AIBU to be upset by this (birthday related)

[sainzgirly]

I need advice on if I’m being a bit precious or not here, as DH is planning on bringing this up and I’m not sure if it’s a bit silly to.

DH has 3 siblings. My SIL & her husband always buy me a card and present. My younger BIL and his partner always used to, but they split up this year and I’ve had nothing from BIL. No card or anything, and he also forgot to send my DH a card for his birthday this year. It just irritates me as it’s clear he sees family admin a woman’s job and now he’s split up from his gf he’s not bothering (although she did still send a card!). Older BIL has never sent a card or anything which I’ve always excused as he’s just not that type (although he does for his siblings birthdays), but this year was his 30th and we spent big money on him, so it feels a bit sad he couldn’t even be bothered to send a card.

DH is really upset and wants to say something. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I’m not upset about presents but I do feel a bit sad neither have bothered to send a card. There’s no family backstory - we’re all close and get on well.

It's an incredibly minor thing to be bothered by.

I wouldn’t be upset by it. But I’d return the favour of no longer buying him anything for his birthdays

I think get over it. You can let one off but not the other one either

I could have written this entire post. My partner's brother never gets us (especially me) anything at all for my birthday or my partner's birthday, or just something insignificant even though we spend absolutely LOADS on him for both birthdays and Christmas. We can spend hundreds of pounds and he gets us chocolate back, that's the level of disproportion. YADNBU.

Tbh, I think you are being a bit precious.

You are a grown up now, and you can choose whether or not to send cards/gifts and vice versa. It's a nice gesture, but can be a bit of an empty one.
DH can bring it up, but what does he hope to achieve out of that?

I don't expect cards from relatives, I often put a post on social media and get some Happy Birthday messages...that's nice. Sometimes I'll see them in the week and they might get me a coffee because it was my birthday recently. All good.

Happy Birthday by the way. Hope you had some time to relax, cake and something fizzy to drink!

My SIL didn't even bother to send me a text saying happy birthday this year, just completely ignored it.
Not bothered by it just means I'll do the same when her birthday comes around. 🤷🏻‍♀️ suggest you do the same.

Birthdays are a big deal for some people and less so for others. It sounds as if you and your DP are in the former group and your BIL’s in the latter.
Myself and my daughter are in the former, my now ex and one of my sons in the latter.
Is it a big enough deal to YOU, to make a major family drama over it? Only you and your DP can answer that.

You are being a bit precious. Cards are really on their way out. Our house used to be covered with Christmas and birthday cards, now it's barely a handful.

You are in control of how big a fuss you make of their birthdays, but have no influence on how much they make of yours. If the chasm between bothers you, scale yours back.

I wish cards would hurry up and be consigned to history, they're so expensive and it's such a waste of money.
Does he really want to get one next year and know it's only because he made a fuss? Sorry but that is ridiculous.

DH is really upset and wants to say something. I don’t know if it’s worth it. DH needs to have a good look at why he is really upset. A bit miffed sure, but really upset sounds a bit extreme.

I bought my SIL an expensive present for her big birthday....I got nothing for mine. That is her right even though I felt annoyed! My DH does not buy or send cards to anyone...I'm sure he doesn't know or care when their birthdays are and probably don't know when the children's are either. Birthdays mean nothing to him And he doesn't care if he gets nothing. Some people are just that way!

I’d get with the vibe and stop buying stuff for them. Foot off the pedal.

I couldn't even begin to care who sends me a card. Let it go.

I send cards to those that send them to me. I learnt years ago that it doesn't matter how much care & thought you put into someone's birthday or Xmas presents if they don't care then they won't bother to reciprocate. But the flip side to this is that some people are actually trying to tell you that they don't prioritise these things very highly which is why they don't bother to return the gesture.

I wouldn't make this the hill I want to die on. I send cards if I want to, but absolutely don't expect any in return.

Used to be terrible at remembering, til I found Moonpig.com. Now they have addresses for everyone I want to send cards to. They send me a reminder and 'sending' a card takes a few clicks.

The PP's advice to take your foot off the gas, don't continue to send a card to anyone who doesn't reciprocate, unless you actually enjoy sending the card. Let go your expectations of reciprocation and your life will be happier, I can guarantee.

I'd leave it. It's so small I couldn't get worked up .

Ive never sent cards to my in laws. I've never got cards from them. I think you might send cards if they are little kids but adults? Unless I'm going to see them on the day or at a birthday celebration then it's a bit unnecessary.

Why on earth do you keep spending hundreds of pounds on him then?

You return the favour that's all. He's obviously not arsed.

I don't even acknowledge my own siblings birthdays and visa versa. It's not worth bringing up.

I think people have different ideas of what’s important to them. I don’t care about cards or gifts but I do like to not lift a finger on my birthday. one birthday I went nuclear because of this, so I understand that it may be very important to you. But I think the only person you can really hold to it is your DH.

I think I would take from that they don’t care about birthday cards and gifts so you don’t need to do it for them. Don’t take it personally, a lot of people don’t do cards these days. We only do them for kids in our family.

I really couldn't get fussed about this.

I thought most people have ditched cards in favour of texts/social media messages?

I've just had a big birthday. Some friends/family sent a cards (and some sent gifts too), some messaged or posted on FB and some did nothing. It had no impact whatsoever on my enjoyment of my birthday. I have learned not to be bothered by external stuff I cannot control and just to enjoy the stuff I want to do and can control. Birthday cards are not even on my list of things to be upset about.

Me too.

leave it OP, a strange thing to get so worked up about.

Omg, I get nothing from my siblings in law and neither would I expect to, similarly for my husband..
Some people don't do birthdays, some do but I really don't think your in laws need to do anything for your birthday, that's asking a bit much..

Just after DS was born BIL announced they (he and his wife) weren't going to give gifts to the kids anymore on birthdays or Christmas. This was because their kids, nieces and nephews on her side of the family were all teens and they were basically just sending money backwards and forwards between them all. DH was really upset that DS, and by extension him, had basically been overlooked in this decision, as if our family didn't matter, right when we had just had a child. We respected their decision though.
Weird or changed behaviour around gifts and cards can and does hurt people, however trivial it may seems from an outside perspective