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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men just aren't worth it?

34 replies

Culldesack · 28/08/2022 14:57

They play it cool by being psychologically wired Differently to women. They can shag you then not be interested until the next time. We shave our bits for them, cook them a romantic meal etc, but they still play poker face. Meanwhile, women analyse every bit of the conduct. I just think now, at middle age, I'm happy to forego a relationship and live alone.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 28/08/2022 15:07

The right men are worth it. Tbh sounds like you've just been picking the wrong ones over and over if what you've written is all you've experienced with men.

Flutterbybudget · 28/08/2022 15:09

I’m with you on the whole “it’s just too much bother” 😂

Not sure that men are more detached though. I’m just happy being single

Skelligsfeathers · 28/08/2022 15:11

Mine is definitely worth it and has been for the past 30 years!

Original poster
Culldesack · 28/08/2022 15:12

Skelligsfeathers · 28/08/2022 15:11

Mine is definitely worth it and has been for the past 30 years!

Good for you, I mean that 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Culldesack · 28/08/2022 15:12

Think its the way

OP posts:
Original poster
Culldesack · 28/08/2022 15:14

...they can appear nonchalant while women try to second guess everything? When I think about this latest one the fact that I am doing that tells me it's just not worth it.

OP posts:
Lulibee · 28/08/2022 15:14

Sounds like you should rethink the kind of man you’d like to have a relationship with. Just don’t allow yourself to become their little servant, start as you mean to go on.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 28/08/2022 15:16

Lulibee · 28/08/2022 15:14

Sounds like you should rethink the kind of man you’d like to have a relationship with. Just don’t allow yourself to become their little servant, start as you mean to go on.

Yeah I think they lose respect for you if it’s too easy. They’re like cats - once you roll over it’s no fun for them anymore! NAMALT etc but enough of them are to make it a crappy game to play with low odds of winning.

Original poster
Culldesack · 28/08/2022 15:16

Lulibee · 28/08/2022 15:14

Sounds like you should rethink the kind of man you’d like to have a relationship with. Just don’t allow yourself to become their little servant, start as you mean to go on.

Not sure this guy expects that but don't we, as women, often feel we fit directly into the subservient role? I'm also saying that as a woman who normally takes no shit. I find men really really hard to work out.

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 28/08/2022 15:17

That's not my experience of men. I suppose I was lucky enough to find a good one, who's been wonderful to me for over thirty years. I think my adult sons are good men too - I really hope so.

I have to say though, that if anything happened to my marriage I wouldn't go looking for another man, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of trying to find a decent one. I could live alone quite happily.

MushMonster · 28/08/2022 15:20

You do not cook for them, they take you out IF thay are good enough to entice you.
You do not analyse them, you ask meaningful questions like what their plans for future are, if they are considering marriage, long relationship and so on... if they make a fuss or cannot answer, you do not waste any time with them.

Original poster
Culldesack · 28/08/2022 15:21

DramaAlpaca · 28/08/2022 15:17

That's not my experience of men. I suppose I was lucky enough to find a good one, who's been wonderful to me for over thirty years. I think my adult sons are good men too - I really hope so.

I have to say though, that if anything happened to my marriage I wouldn't go looking for another man, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of trying to find a decent one. I could live alone quite happily.

Yes, that's how I'm feeling. Serenity is better than overthinking.

OP posts:
DancingBudgie · 28/08/2022 15:26

The same could be said for some women.
To be fair, if you shave your bits ' for a man ' then that's on you, not men.

TedMullins · 28/08/2022 15:39

Culldesack · 28/08/2022 15:16

Not sure this guy expects that but don't we, as women, often feel we fit directly into the subservient role? I'm also saying that as a woman who normally takes no shit. I find men really really hard to work out.

Show quote history

No, I don’t find I have ever been subservient to men. I’ve dated some horrid ones and let myself be treated badly for sure, but I’ve never run around after them cooking their meals or shaving/wearing makeup etc just for them.

Most men do have an ingrained degree of misogyny. Some are better than others. There is absolutely no need to conduct your life based on whether men might want to date you, though. Live your life for you, and if you meet someone who genuinely enhances your life, great.

It also seems you’ve done a lot of generalising here in terms of how men and women think and behave - subscribing to those stereotypes probably doesn’t do you any favours either.

Suetwo · 28/08/2022 15:46

VeridicalVagabond · 28/08/2022 15:07

The right men are worth it. Tbh sounds like you've just been picking the wrong ones over and over if what you've written is all you've experienced with men.

Agreed. A good man is worth the effort, but it definitely isn't worth settling. Too many women settle for assholes because they don't want to be alone. In reality, of course, nothing is lonelier than a bad marriage. Sadly, a lot of women also put up with abuse and misery because they feel like a failure if they end up single. That's why so many men get away with behaving like total shits.

AnyFucker · 28/08/2022 15:48

Worth what ?

Pandering to ? I have never done that, never will.

Stop putting their “needs” before your own and the shit ones will fall away.

Drivebye · 28/08/2022 15:50

Mmmmm sounds like a lot of it's on you. Choose your appearance and what your bits look like for what you want, not a man. Have casual sex if you want but not to please a man but because it's what you want with no strings/no need for a text.

You sound like you think you'll grab a good man by just being everything you perceive THEY want. Doesn't work like that, maybe you need to be a little less keen to please.

Raquelos · 28/08/2022 15:51

I think the trick is not to compromise yourself for a man (or anyone else really). If they are decent and right for you they won't expect it anyway and if they do, fuck em, life too short to waste on someone who doesn't appreciate the real you.

Overthinking things is on you though, you have control over whether you do that or not. Try just taking things as they come and not overinvesting early.

Or y'know give up on men altogether, that's okay too if it makes you happier in life. There are no rules that say you have to pair off in life. All the best.

Definitelymabel · 28/08/2022 15:53

If all the relationships you've had are like that maybe you should take a look at the common element hmm?

I don't recognise the men you describe at all.

BigFatLiar · 28/08/2022 15:56

I don't think it's men isuspect it's relationships. If you find the right person it's great but it sounds as if its getting harder to find a decent partner. Talking to our daughters friends there are a couple of young men (early 30s) who've basically given up on finding a partner and are just getting on with living their lives. One tried OLD and thought it was depressing so stopped.

Moonface123 · 28/08/2022 16:03

Many women waste far too much time and effort looking for Mr Right. Build your own way of life, focus on yourself, and along the way the people who are meant to be in your life will appear.

WilsonMilson · 28/08/2022 16:03

My DH is absolutely worth it. He’s the best person I know. In fact, I don’t recognise any of my ex partners in the way you have described men. They’ve all been decent, and even though our relationships didn’t work out for various reasons (young, not long term compatible goals etc) each one was a decent chap whom I’d happily recommend to others.

God knows, I snogged some total dicks back in the day, but I didn’t have relationships with them as it became quickly obvious they were not good guys whom I’d want to invite into my bed or life. Maybe you’re not weeding out the dross quickly enough?

There are really great guys out there in my experience.

InsertPunHere · 28/08/2022 16:06

My DH is worth it but if something happened to him I'd never bother again. But I'd invest in rechargeable batteries≥

Marvellousmadness · 28/08/2022 16:07

Certain women... attract certain men
Its a pattern

Its not the men. Its the woman that needs to re-evaluate

...

houseonthehill · 28/08/2022 16:37

We shave our bits for them, cook them a romantic meal etc, but they still play poker face. Meanwhile, women analyse every bit of the conduct.

You could just... not do any of that.