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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting a BBQ.....no offer to bring anything?

42 replies

ThreeRingCircus · 28/08/2022 12:52

I genuinely don't know where IABU or not so would appreciate some thoughts on the situation.

DH's cousin, her husband and their DD came over for a BBQ at our house yesterday. It had been their idea, they don't have a BBQ and know we do so had suggested that us having a BBQ at our house and letting the DC play would be a nice idea....which it was.

I was expecting them to ask what they could bring, in which case I'd have likely said that we'd buy the meat/buns/sauces and they could bring some side dishes if they wanted them (coleslaw, salad etc.) We didn't get any message from them beforehand apart from when I messaged asking if they were still up for it they said yes (it had been organised for a week or so.)

So in the end I went shopping and we provided all the food and most of the drinks, although they did bring a bottle of wine with them.

I just thought it was cheeky to essentially suggest we host a meal and then not offer to bring anything. If we're ever invited anywhere we always ask what we can bring along but DH disagrees and thinks that if you're hosting at your house you provide everything and guests bring a token gift, which they did.

So.... IABU to be a bit miffed and think they were cheeky? Or am I just a bad hostess?

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 28/08/2022 12:55

Hmm. Cheeky given they asked I think. If you'd invited them then I think a bottle of wine is fine.

SavoirFlair · 28/08/2022 12:56

You’re not a bad hostess but you’re holding expectations of guests that is based on variables (what they perceive is right vs your perception).

if I host, I buy everything. If someone chooses to bring something, that’s a bonus. But I always resource to 100% and then let the guests bring a particular thing they think might make the event “pop”.

From my perspective YABU to host, then procure to 70% in the expectation someone will offer to do the rest. But I guess I will be shot down in flames for this as it’s probably another unwritten convention of British middle class life that I’ve missed

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 28/08/2022 12:57

Annoying, but why on earth didn't you just text and say 'we've bought all the meat etc, if you could bring some sides that would be great'?

Flutterbybudget · 28/08/2022 12:59

I’d be a bit put out as well, if I’d been ASKED to host. Next time, be clear about your expectations would be, in advance.

Firefly86 · 28/08/2022 13:00

If they invited themselves, my first response would have been...

Great idea, I'll do x and you can bring y.

Done

Purpleforthewin · 28/08/2022 13:01

A bit cheeky maybe but at the same time I normally fine for BBQs the hosts say to front what they are planning so I think it is a conversation that should have happened when first planning it.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2022 13:02

Usually the host provides everything but most folk do bring something. But since they actually invited themselves somebody should have said shall we decide on what food we are having and not left it till the day.

mrsbitaly · 28/08/2022 13:03

I'm going to my sisters bbq I asked if there is anything she would like me to bring. I do think it's polite to ask but if I was hosting a bbq I wouldn't expect people to bring anything but in your case a bit cheeky to suggest the idea and not offer to help with the cost

EkinWho · 28/08/2022 13:05

You should have made it clear at the time. Maybe suggest you eat with them at a later date to balance it out. It's always BBQs that people seem to think guests should bring food, it's weird.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 28/08/2022 13:06

Any bbq I'm invited to I ask what I can bring, although if I host one I just make everything. I would have expected the conversation about who would do what to happen when the plans were made by them, with them saying we'll bring xyz

WaltzingWaters · 28/08/2022 13:08

Yeah I think seeing as they suggested it/invited themselves it’s really cheeky. If you’d invited them then it’s okay just bringing wine. Invite yourselves round their place next time.

gamerchick · 28/08/2022 13:10

Why didn't you say at their suggestion to host 'great, what are you bringing?'. Can see why they asked you now if you provide a freebie without grumble

Original poster
ThreeRingCircus · 28/08/2022 13:10

EkinWho · 28/08/2022 13:05

You should have made it clear at the time. Maybe suggest you eat with them at a later date to balance it out. It's always BBQs that people seem to think guests should bring food, it's weird.

Yes, I agree that I should have asked up front for them to bring something. I think it was that they'd asked us to host, if we'd offered I would feel differently. I just can't imagine asking someone to host us then not asking what I could bring.

We did provide everything, and had a lovely time so I fully appreciate that it was my fault for not stating at the outset.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeRingCircus · 28/08/2022 13:13

gamerchick · 28/08/2022 13:10

Why didn't you say at their suggestion to host 'great, what are you bringing?'. Can see why they asked you now if you provide a freebie without grumble

I'm not sure why I didn't ask to be honest, I just assumed they'd offer to bring something and by the time I realised no offer was forthcoming I'd have felt awkward asking plus genuinely didn't know whether my expectations were totally off.

But I do accept I've been a bit of a plonker not just saying something and then feeling a bit put out instead.

OP posts:
alwaysfactor50 · 28/08/2022 13:13

On mumsnet lots believe you host then you buy however in our circles we all contribute, catering for 20+ is a lot!

BecauseICan22 · 28/08/2022 13:15

ThreeRingCircus · 28/08/2022 12:52

I genuinely don't know where IABU or not so would appreciate some thoughts on the situation.

DH's cousin, her husband and their DD came over for a BBQ at our house yesterday. It had been their idea, they don't have a BBQ and know we do so had suggested that us having a BBQ at our house and letting the DC play would be a nice idea....which it was.

I was expecting them to ask what they could bring, in which case I'd have likely said that we'd buy the meat/buns/sauces and they could bring some side dishes if they wanted them (coleslaw, salad etc.) We didn't get any message from them beforehand apart from when I messaged asking if they were still up for it they said yes (it had been organised for a week or so.)

So in the end I went shopping and we provided all the food and most of the drinks, although they did bring a bottle of wine with them.

I just thought it was cheeky to essentially suggest we host a meal and then not offer to bring anything. If we're ever invited anywhere we always ask what we can bring along but DH disagrees and thinks that if you're hosting at your house you provide everything and guests bring a token gift, which they did.

So.... IABU to be a bit miffed and think they were cheeky? Or am I just a bad hostess?

I would have just delegated.

'We'll arrange for all the meat and buns etc. You can bring some pasta and salad, perhaps even a quiche? Also could you get some beers etc. Thanks, can't wait to have you all over, we'll get everything else organised'.

I'm very upfront and openly ask for what I need. Beyond that, if I haven't clarified what I want from my guests than I do not moan about it. If I'm not asking for anything because I'm cool with doing it all, it comes from my heart with zero expectations.

YABU for not actually talking to your guests beforehand.

ShirleyPhallus · 28/08/2022 13:16

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 28/08/2022 12:57

Annoying, but why on earth didn't you just text and say 'we've bought all the meat etc, if you could bring some sides that would be great'?

Yea this!

Sally99 · 28/08/2022 13:22

YANBU

Nekomata · 28/08/2022 13:25

It's a bit weird to suggest someone organise a BBQ for you.

I'd take it on the chin this time, but next time they try something like this definitely text beforehand and tell them what to bring.

WoodlandMummy · 28/08/2022 13:26

It’s simply good manners / social graces to offer to provide something when invited to a bbq. Whether the host accepts your offer is another matter. I usually wouldn’t as I prefer to host and for my guests to feel looked after.

I went to a pool party bbq at an extremely wealthy colleague’s house a few weeks ago. His wife asked the guests to each bring a dish. I did think this was a bit odd seeing as these people are UHNWIs but of course obliged their request.

Rodedooda · 28/08/2022 13:29

Once invited to a bbq at a friends to celebrate her birthday where it was expected that guests brought their own meat, only found out when we were there.

I had asked in advance what we could bring - drink snacks etc (of which I brought loads plus flowers). No mention of bring you're entire dinner, we'll provide the actual physical bbq only! Some kind soul offered us one of their sausages.

BBQs are indeed a minefield in this county 🤣

MintJulia · 28/08/2022 13:29

be blunt next time, 'we'll do meat and sauces, you bring side dishes and a bottle of wine.

Don't leave any doubt.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 28/08/2022 13:30

Suggest they make Sunday lunch next week.. And turn up empty handed..

EdithStourton · 28/08/2022 13:31

I think they were being a bit cheeky. IME people who do this sort of thing don't just do it once, they make a habit of it. They are tight-fisted, and yet make you feel tight-fisted after feeding and watering them.

FriendOfDorothyGale · 28/08/2022 13:31

Firstly, I would never ask someone to do a bbq at their home on my behalf.

Secondly, it's just polite to say 'shall I bring something/doyou need to to bring anything'

I think they have been really cheeky to be honest.

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