Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Hosting a BBQ.....no offer to bring anything?

42 replies

ThreeRingCircus · 28/08/2022 12:52

I genuinely don't know where IABU or not so would appreciate some thoughts on the situation.

DH's cousin, her husband and their DD came over for a BBQ at our house yesterday. It had been their idea, they don't have a BBQ and know we do so had suggested that us having a BBQ at our house and letting the DC play would be a nice idea....which it was.

I was expecting them to ask what they could bring, in which case I'd have likely said that we'd buy the meat/buns/sauces and they could bring some side dishes if they wanted them (coleslaw, salad etc.) We didn't get any message from them beforehand apart from when I messaged asking if they were still up for it they said yes (it had been organised for a week or so.)

So in the end I went shopping and we provided all the food and most of the drinks, although they did bring a bottle of wine with them.

I just thought it was cheeky to essentially suggest we host a meal and then not offer to bring anything. If we're ever invited anywhere we always ask what we can bring along but DH disagrees and thinks that if you're hosting at your house you provide everything and guests bring a token gift, which they did.

So.... IABU to be a bit miffed and think they were cheeky? Or am I just a bad hostess?

OP posts:

Oojamaflipp · 28/08/2022 13:36

When we were younger (early 20s) and didn't have much money (like our friends) it was very normal for one person to host, but people tended to bring their own meat/drinks and rhebhost would do rolls, sides etc.

But these days, if I hosted a BBQ, I would expect to provide everything. If guests offer to bring something like a dessert etc, then that's a bonus (they usually do).

However, if someone suggested having a BBQ at our house solely because we have a BBQ and they didn't, but then didn't offer to contribute anything at all, I would be a bit pissed off to be honest!

Shellingbynight · 28/08/2022 13:46

I would normally expect to provide everything, but as they actually asked you to host it then yes I would appreciate them bringing side dishes/desserts as well as a bottle of wine.

But the time to establish that was when they asked you to host - you should have outlined what you expected from them, rather than hoping your expectations were in line with what was going to turn up. Anyway, you'll know next time!

Springdaisy · 28/08/2022 13:53

Firefly86 · 28/08/2022 13:00

If they invited themselves, my first response would have been...

Great idea, I'll do x and you can bring y.

Done

This.

And if you missed that chance you could have said something when you confirmed again via text.
”Hey guys, are you still up for the BBQ?”
“yes of course”
”Great! I was just wondering what you will bring. Is it ok for you if we do meat and you do sides?”

Marvellousmadness · 28/08/2022 13:58

You should have spoke up
They used you as a doormat. And you let them

FinallyHere · 28/08/2022 14:01

I love having visitors and like to think we are practised, generous hosts. I just can't imagine someone asking me to host. If they did, I would be taken aback. I like to think I would ask them upfront about the split of responsibilities: were they asking to use our house and wanting to know what they needed to bring.

Write it off this time and be prepared to have more of a conversation about who would bring what next time.

Have a small, private vet with yourself about whether they will ever invite you back. Put your money on the idea they will not testing the hospitality.

BellePeppa · 28/08/2022 14:16

You should have been clear in your expectations. I have family over at Christmas and I always get each one has to bring certain items. It’s no big deal to request this.

Charlize43 · 28/08/2022 14:20

Very bad hostessing! I have a friend like this who is always calculating the cost of dinner parties (we all take turns) and always complains that the rest of us haven't spent as much or put in as much effort as she has, despite this not being true.

I think if your expectation was that they bring food then you should have communicated that at the time they suggested the arrangement.

It is customary to show up with a token bottle of wine - price & vintage at your own discretion. Personally, I find it extremely annoying when guests unexpectedly bring desert items or cakes they have made themselves, as I will have already planned ahead. I often feel bad later giving them away to neighbours as I don't eat cake. It would be rude and ungracious to suggest they take them back home.

Next, I would tell the Cousins that it seemed that the children had a lot of fun playing together / how much you all enjoyed it and then suggest a play date / dinner at their house and see how they respond.

Then report back.

TheEggChair · 28/08/2022 14:25

I voted YABU because you should have requested they contribute as it was their idea. They wanted the bbq so they need to foot 50% of the food & drinks. This is what we do in our family, bil has the larger house so always hosts. He does ask us to bring certain dishes and drinks which we're happy to do.

Celticstranger · 28/08/2022 14:26

You gave up control. As soon as the suggestion was made you should have responded with "as we are supplying the venue, you supply the food."

Hubs456 · 28/08/2022 14:27

If you had a nice time, I don’t think I would be that bothered about a bit of colslaw and some potato salad?
I think you should have either asked them to bring something or said you weren’t up for it.
they did bring a bottle of wine.

justfiveminutes · 28/08/2022 14:30

I've never hosted or attended a barbecue where guests didn't all bring something. To me, it's that sort of event. The hosts do the hard work in prepping, cooking and clearing away. The hosts provide most of the food, certainly enough to hold the event even if nobody else brought anything at all. Guests bring extra stuff - side dishes, deserts. I'd be surprised by just a bottle of wine, especially in this situation as they invited themselves. Did they host last time?

AbleCable · 28/08/2022 14:53

I have been to three BBQs in the last two weeks.
First one, the host said to bring a bottle, they would supply all food.
Second said they would provide the meat and veggies for the BBQ and to bring a salad or dessert.
Third said to bring whatever you want to grill and they would supply bread and salads.
All options are fine, but its up to you as host to let people know what you want them to do. A text a few days before confirming the time and saying what to bring, works well!

itsgettingweird · 28/08/2022 14:55

Firefly86 · 28/08/2022 13:00

If they invited themselves, my first response would have been...

Great idea, I'll do x and you can bring y.

Done

This.

When they suggested it you should have set the expectations at that time.

Because if you invite someone then a bottle of wine etc is fine.

But when it's a family arrangement like that where they invite themselves it's different.

AbleCable · 28/08/2022 14:58

I often feel bad later giving them away to neighbours as I don't eat cake. It would be rude and ungracious to suggest they take them back home.
Any BBQ I've been to, everyone brings tupperware to divvy up the leftovers as there is always loads!! 😂😂

MattDillonsEyebrows · 28/08/2022 15:03

If I was a guest, I'd offer to make a pudding or potato salad or something, take a token bottle of wine and our own drinks and I think that's usual isn't it?

However, for hosting, it depends on the dynamics of the friendship doesn't it?
If it was close friends/family, I'd just ask then to bring either pudding or salad. If not, I'd just suck it up.

Although, have they often hosted you at other things at their house OP?

Just a thought, I know you say they don't have a bbq but if they have had you over for dinners, brunches, parties, playdates etc.? or if you usually end up at theirs after a night out or something, maybe they felt they had hosted enough not to have to bring anything?

Original poster

ThreeRingCircus · 28/08/2022 21:39

MattDillonsEyebrows · 28/08/2022 15:03

If I was a guest, I'd offer to make a pudding or potato salad or something, take a token bottle of wine and our own drinks and I think that's usual isn't it?

However, for hosting, it depends on the dynamics of the friendship doesn't it?
If it was close friends/family, I'd just ask then to bring either pudding or salad. If not, I'd just suck it up.

Although, have they often hosted you at other things at their house OP?

We don't see them very regularly but they did host for us last time, about a year ago. In that case we asked what we could bring and they suggested dessert, which we did.

OP posts:

Kite22 · 28/08/2022 22:40

Etiquette is mixed on whether people muck in or prefer that the hosts provide everything, but the key point with this is that they asked you to do a BBQ.

So yes, they should have offered, and as they didn't, you and dh should have said (when they asked) "how do you want to do it - are you getting the meat and buns and we'll sort out all the accessories or what?"

Flip

1 2