When did you start being you?

GingerAndLemonn · 2022-08-27T19:59:23+00:00

I feel like I don’t know who I am. I didn’t the first part of my life being what my kartend wanted me to be and now I’m 28, married, mother of 2. But I have no hobbies, no particular interests, I don’t know what style I like to dress in, I don’t know how I want my hair so it’s just mid length and in a ponytail. I don’t know what sort of parent I’m supposed to be so spend a lot of time beating myself up about not being the sort of parent I read about on here. I kind of just feel like an empty shell of a person who is just drifting though life and I don’t know who I am. I’ve been so wrapped up in who I should be and not who I want to be. Had anyone else been through this? Any major epiphany’s? im missing out on so much of my life and my childrens life and my husbands life.

LovelyQuiche · 27/08/2022 21:03

Being me was not about how I looked or what I wore, but more about how I thought, my values, my character
I’d say I got there about about mid 20s

SilverGlassHare · 27/08/2022 21:05

Ah, I thought this was going to be about when you first became a sentient being/your first memory of thinking like yourself - in which case, I was around three years old. I’ve always been who I want to be.

it sounds like you might be a bit depressed to be honest - the bit about being an empty shell - this sounds to me like you have ‘shallow affect’, you’re feeling numb emotionally. Maybe you have low self-esteem so you feel like you’re not allowed to have preferences or desires of your own? Have you even spoken to a therapist? Could you afford to see one?

SilverGlassHare · 27/08/2022 21:06

Have you ever spoken to a therapist, I mean. Not have you ‘even’ spoken to one.

Original poster

GingerAndLemonn · 27/08/2022 21:07

Oh yeah definitely depressed! Very much so. Unmedicated bipolar. Just trying to figure myself out so I have a vague hope of being happy with my pretty great life!

OP posts:

Annieisalright · 27/08/2022 21:12

About 16

I've always known who I am and been very confident, but I'd say at 16 I mellowed a bit and became the me I am today

Cottagegarden11 · 27/08/2022 21:12

I have spent alot of time focusing on becoming my 'authentic self'. The older I become the less I care about what people think which definitely helps. Social media used to be an issue for me as I'd think I had to have/act a certain way. I'm much happier without it.

factfile · 27/08/2022 21:14

Therapy would help you

Are you autistic?

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/08/2022 21:16

About aged 24 although I finally stood up for myself in early 30s.

Original poster

GingerAndLemonn · 27/08/2022 21:16

factfile · 27/08/2022 21:14

Therapy would help you

Are you autistic?

Not that I’m aware of.

OP posts:

diamon · 27/08/2022 21:21

Mid to late 30s I'd say. I think that's when I decided to not care about what others think as much and found my voice and confidence. I started to feel more comfortable in my skin so to speak. I remember feeling lost and confused for many years. Like I just didn't fit in. I sort of wondered through life in a bit of a chaotic daze thinking how this just didn't feel right. Now I just know this is me. I accept that I am changing continuously and that's fine.

ArtOfTheImpossible · 27/08/2022 21:24

I'm 40 and due to years of what I now believe was complex ptsd, would probably say I'm still not quite there. But closer now than any other time in my life because at least I'm starting to get a sense of what it might mean. I wish you luck figuring it out.

housemaus · 27/08/2022 21:24

About the time I turned 30, I think. My ideas of what I wanted for my life crystallised a bit more and I became more set in what I wanted, and I stopped caring as much about what other people thought. That was the key - once I just did things for me and if they made me happy (most of the time - obviously still care about other people) I just feel like I fell into place as a person.

whatatanker · 27/08/2022 21:25

diamon · 27/08/2022 21:21

Mid to late 30s I'd say. I think that's when I decided to not care about what others think as much and found my voice and confidence. I started to feel more comfortable in my skin so to speak. I remember feeling lost and confused for many years. Like I just didn't fit in. I sort of wondered through life in a bit of a chaotic daze thinking how this just didn't feel right. Now I just know this is me. I accept that I am changing continuously and that's fine.

Really like this post. I reckon I’m the same.

I think the acceptance of change also helps.

TheLittleRedDragon · 27/08/2022 21:59

Perhaps it's time to have a bit of a think about your values and future you.
Spend a bit of time imagining future you. What is she like? How does she dress? Play with the different ideas/daydreams about it. Sit down and write out a list of 20 hobbies. Then pick 3 to investigate/try out, see if you like them. (If not try another 3) Try on different styles, see what suits you or what you enjoy. A good life coach could help if you can afford one.

It's ok to try things out and you dont have to feel bad about still being in decision stage. Dont compare yourself with other people who you think are completely together, everyone feels like this in some ways. Life is a journey, there is an end to you feeling lost - just start doing something and then work it out from there (you win or you learn!)

Hope this helps, had a few beers so may be a little rambley...

sevencontinents · 27/08/2022 22:10

5 years ago I would have said age 30. Now, at 40, I would say age 40! It has been gradual for me and there is still more growing to do.
I find myself rediscovering things I loved as a youngster, such as sports and music and I realise that I got distracted by partying, careers and child rearing for the best part of a decade. My advice would be to pursue the things you love and you will realise in time who you are. I also think 28 is really young still. I don't think what you are experiencing is necessarily out of the ordinary for your age. Don't overthink it, it will come 😊

Original poster

GingerAndLemonn · 27/08/2022 22:12

Thanks everyone. I’m 30 next year and want to start my 30’s being the best version of me (or just a version of me!)

Some great ideas here I’m going to have a go at!

OP posts:

SickOfTheSpiders · 27/08/2022 22:19

diamon · 27/08/2022 21:21

Mid to late 30s I'd say. I think that's when I decided to not care about what others think as much and found my voice and confidence. I started to feel more comfortable in my skin so to speak. I remember feeling lost and confused for many years. Like I just didn't fit in. I sort of wondered through life in a bit of a chaotic daze thinking how this just didn't feel right. Now I just know this is me. I accept that I am changing continuously and that's fine.

I totally know what you mean - and the OP too. I used to feel exactly the same.

For me, I have very recently (at 31) realised that I finally feel like "me", and I have found my identity. This coincided with becoming a mother and also going on medication for my anxiety! I'm not sure how much either of those influenced it. I have never been interested in clothes shopping, as I didn't know what I liked... I've recently bought a lot of new clothes and feel really good in them. I was never confident enough to chat to new people, but now I feel like I can strike up a conversation. I don't know what's changed but I'm really happy about it!

grafittiartist · 27/08/2022 22:41

I felt completely settled at that age. Knew myself and had confidence .

Singleandproud · 27/08/2022 22:49

For somethings it's just as important (and easier) to workout what you don't like.

I don't like having short hair (had it as a teen), I don't like really long hair that gets stuck when you move your head, I like my hair to be easy and quick to maintain, so I also have hair just below my shoulders sometimes with layers sometimes one length.
DD on the other hand hates feeling her hair on the back of her neck so always has short hair.

I know I hate noisy nightclub type places or being on the spot, so no karaoke for me. I do like eating out and I love theatre.

ofwarren · 27/08/2022 22:50

Mid 30s, once I got my autism diagnosis. I'd never known who I was or what I liked and even now I have to try really hard to unmask and be my authentic self but I've come an extremely long way.

Iceballoons · 27/08/2022 23:08

Theres nothing wrong with who you are right now….you are a mum who wears her hair in the way you describe, doesn’t have much time to herself by the sounds of things and there’s likely nothing wrong with your parenting….you are the parent you need to be.

It sounds like you fancy changing your hair and choosing some nice clothes so why not carve out some time for yourself to go for a consultation at a hairdressers and wander around the shops trying on clothes to see what you like and looks good on you? Maybe go for a coffee and get your nails done? Buy a random book to read, join an exercise class or a local group of some sort.

Basically take some positive action to get out of your head and maybe self limiting beliefs like you need to change your parenting style because it’s somehow not good enough?!

It sounds like you just need to give yourself a bit of a boost and focus on a some self care. You’ll ‘find yourself’ when you start spending more time on just yourself and not the kids etc.

Glitterbomber · 27/08/2022 23:09

I’m 34 and honestly still don’t know who I am or what I’m doing with my life.

professionally I’m very successful but I’m not even sure if I’m on the right path 😢

homarrre · 28/08/2022 09:20

I could've written this post.

I thought I knew exactly who I was when I was about 20. I was basically quite a giggly, flirtatious person always going out and getting drunk. I suddenly had a realisation that that wasn't who I actually am. It was a way of getting attention and feeling like I mattered.

I'm 32 now and ever since, I have felt like I'm not sure who I am. Particularly since having my 2 Daughters (aged 2 & 5), I've really lost every part of who I am.

Same as you, I don't know what I like to wear any more, I don't know how I want my hair. I don't know what interests me. I'm not entirely sure what my opinion is on certain things and find myself agreeing with everyone.

I have changed a lot in the last few years and have definitely become a more confident person and speak more whereas I used to be quite mute.

So I'm hoping in the next few years that I may figure out who I am!

mdh2020 · 28/08/2022 09:38

I became me at 16. Until then I was very quiet ‘a good pupil’. DC laugh when they read my school reports. Something inside my brain must have shifted because I went back to school to the sixth form after working for the summer and I was a different person. Actually, writing that, I think I reverted to being the person I was in Primary school who had somehow been repressed in Grammar School. I remember telling my Primary school teacher off for being racist but somehow once I went to Grammar School I felt overwhelmed and became much quieter for a few years.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 10:20

Iceballoons · 27/08/2022 23:08

Theres nothing wrong with who you are right now….you are a mum who wears her hair in the way you describe, doesn’t have much time to herself by the sounds of things and there’s likely nothing wrong with your parenting….you are the parent you need to be.

It sounds like you fancy changing your hair and choosing some nice clothes so why not carve out some time for yourself to go for a consultation at a hairdressers and wander around the shops trying on clothes to see what you like and looks good on you? Maybe go for a coffee and get your nails done? Buy a random book to read, join an exercise class or a local group of some sort.

Basically take some positive action to get out of your head and maybe self limiting beliefs like you need to change your parenting style because it’s somehow not good enough?!

It sounds like you just need to give yourself a bit of a boost and focus on a some self care. You’ll ‘find yourself’ when you start spending more time on just yourself and not the kids etc.

@Iceballoons I think the OP is talking about deeper things than style, although a good haircut never hurts.

OP I think it’s normal to be a bit lost in your 20s, 30s is when people tend to get a clearer sense of themselves.

Because you have gone into to marriage and motherhood early, you are going to have to carve out time for yourself.

I think the most useful thing would be a therapist. Although I would also see your GP to see if some medication for your bi polar might be a good idea - it doesn’t have to be for ever.