When did you start being you?

[GingerAndLemonn]

I feel like I don’t know who I am. I didn’t the first part of my life being what my kartend wanted me to be and now I’m 28, married, mother of 2. But I have no hobbies, no particular interests, I don’t know what style I like to dress in, I don’t know how I want my hair so it’s just mid length and in a ponytail. I don’t know what sort of parent I’m supposed to be so spend a lot of time beating myself up about not being the sort of parent I read about on here.

I kind of just feel like an empty shell of a person who is just drifting though life and I don’t know who I am. I’ve been so wrapped up in who I should be and not who I want to be.

Had anyone else been through this? Any major epiphany’s?

im missing out on so much of my life and my childrens life and my husbands life.

Thanks everyone. I’m 30 next year and want to start my 30’s being the best version of me (or just a version of me!)

I’m always weary of this kind of thing. Sounds like a lot of pressure!
I think maybe try and get away from this idea of ‘who you are’ and forming an identity as such. Just develop some interests - find some enjoyment and don’t focus so much on what that that will say about you as a person. Just have some fun - you deserve to have fun in life! That doesn’t mean having to go out and join some abstract hobby club, you could just enjoy some books or a crafty hobby - I started jigsaw puzzles and cross stitch in lockdown and I’m still going (DH calls them my ‘old lady’ hobbies, I was only 27 when I started these 😂). There was such a sweet and wholesome thread started by a poster who loves lego the other day - that’s a big thing amongst adults, I had no idea! Little hobbies can bring a lot of fun and happiness. But you know, if you want to sign up for a paragliding class, go for it!
In terms of style, there are a lot of great YouTube videos for hair and make up. Maybe they can inspire you? Check out some magazines - sounds basic, but that’s how I get my inspiration. Fashion and make-up is about experimenting and it’s ok to get it wrong! Again, buying and wearing a dress that maybe wasn’t the best choice or using the wrong box dye colour does not define you.
I suppose when you bring all these things together, yes they do form part of who you are. But it happens organically. You don’t wake up one day, decide ‘this is who I’m going to be’ and then find hobbies and clothes to suit. If you do that you are just building a character, not finding your true self.
As above, maybe some therapy would help for additional support.

The year I turned 30 I set myself some goals

1. I would be a healthy weight by my 30 th birthday (lost 2 stone)
2. I'd be able to run 5k
3. I'd be able to drive (almost it took me till 3 months after my birthday)
4. Id start a degree, as never did my 3rd year of my original degree as I was pregnant with Dd

I achieved all of these and hand in my last ever assignment for my degree next week after 6 years. Unfortunately I stopped running and then piled on a ton more weight balancing degree, work and full time parenthood. But it was great and I know I can do it again.

It wasn't really about finding my identity but doing things for me that made a difference because as a parent we spend so much time doing for others that we forget ourselves.

I'm 31, and I've no idea who I am. I've not got any hobbies, I do have friend's but we're more distant. Two children who I again feel distant from. I'm finding it hard to engage in life. So I understand how you feel. I guess I thought it was fairly normal to not know who you are etc but reading this maybe not.

I feel a bit like this. I think it’s often from having the next thing on the go all the time. You find the person you want to marry, get a house together, have children and you’re always just striving for the next thing without ever really stopping to look around and have your own stuff going on. I used to have hobbies that I tell myself I don’t have time for anymore. Technically I could if I made time for them. I watch videos online of these women in their nice outfits etc and just think I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 10 years probably 🙈 it’s so hard! I saw a yoga class on at 7.30pm the other night and hovered over booking it. I thought I could go to that when our baby is in bed but ended up not because it’s just easier not to 🙄

I've honestly never felt like this.

Yes I have sometimes felt unhappy with the way my life is but never that I didn't know who I am inside.

I wonder what it is about one's childhood that sets some people up with a strong sense of self and others not?

I think the process is ongoing. It started for me in my late 20s, I'm mid 40s now, and still sometimes find myself being the person I think others want me to be, rather than the one I am. But it's happening less and less often.