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Original poster

To tell you that I finally did it..

66 replies

tryingtobestrong2 · 27/08/2022 19:30

Ive left. I've left my violent, angry, toxic ex.

I posted earlier on in the week about my ex partner and domestic violence. I left him about a week ago and he's been hounding me ever since.

Today it came to a head with him sending me a video of him overdosing (which turns out he didn't even swallow) before telling me I had killed him. He was sending slurred voice notes etc leading me to believe he was dying. It was traumatic. He was taken to hospital and the police came round and i finally told them everything.

He's out of hospital now, parked outside my house, and he's blocked on all forms of contact. I feel totally, utterly heartbroken. How can someone you loved and cared for and tried to help do this? I feel scared, I feel alone, I feel so sad, but the worst part is I'm worried about him.

But I've done it, I've left. How does this get any easier?

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobestrong2 · 30/08/2022 19:12

Hi again,

Update for you all, and it's not the nicest. This morning he tried to break into my flat at 5:30am, threatening to kill me. When he couldn't break the door, he took a wine bottle and smashed my car up. He's since been arrested for stalking, harassment, coercive control and threatening behaviour with intent to cause injury.

The worst part is, when I heard he had been arrested, I felt so, so sad. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to reverse the clock and be snuggled up in bed with him watching our favourite film. How can your head and your heart be so different? How can they make you feel this way?

I am so broken right now :-(

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 30/08/2022 19:17

Maybe because you are a nice person it is difficult to accept not everyone is like you.
I was married to an awful man.
Life can and does get better post abusive relationship.
Advice would be to do the Freedom programme and spend some time being you before thinking about finding a decent man op. a
Write a Make You Happy Bucket List and fulfill them all op.
Well done on getting rid!

Moonface123 · 30/08/2022 19:25

Tell your neighbours to keep an eye out for him, do you have an outside light, because if you do, tell your neighbours if they see light on in day to ring police. l had a weird neighbour years ago stalking me, he got remanded in custody and his bail conditions were to stay well away, never had any more trouble after, good luck, well done and heres to a much better future.

Soubriquet · 30/08/2022 19:26

I’m so sorry OP. But please don’t back down and break. He was ready to kill you rather than see you happy elsewhere. He does not deserve your sympathy though I understand it’s hard when it was someone you once loved.

Poppyblush · 30/08/2022 19:44

you want to think the best of him but he’s scum. Remember how you felt when he was trying to break in - shit scared I guess. That’s what he is. Nasty and vile. It will get easier, but don’t take him back. Get a non molestation order pronto.

Darkstar4855 · 30/08/2022 20:11

Oh, OP. How you’re feeling is totally normal. You just have to keep reminding yourself that the person you want to be snuggled up with, the person you fell for does not exist.

The person you are seeing now is the real him.

The hardest bit is done, it (slowly) gets easier but some counselling or taking a look at the Freedom Programme might help.

I met the love of my life just six months after escaping my abusive ex and we now have a beautiful son together. I felt exactly like you in the early days though, I would lie awake at night going over and over things in my mind wondering if it was my fault. Now I can see it wasn’t.

Hang in there xx

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/08/2022 20:20

You're a nice person and you love him but he's a horrible nasty piece of work - would you ever break into his home, threaten to kill him, smash up his car? I would put money on the answer being no.

You deserve so much better than him. You deserve someone to love you and treat you with respect and not treat you the way your ex has been treating you.

Stay strong, it will get better.

When I left my ex I knew it was the right thing to do but I thought I couldn't live without him and it would never get better. It does OP and I really wish you all the best.

Original poster
tryingtobestrong2 · 30/08/2022 20:36

None of you realise how much your words help. My mind is constantly spiralling and I'm sick with anxiety and guilt. I need reminding of how fucked up all of this is x

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 30/08/2022 20:41

Abusers are most likely to attack/kill their victims during the time they try to break it off with them. That's the most dangerous time and he has literally just proved that he is that type.
If you feel yourself likely to reach out to him I suggest you watch some spousal true crime, killed by my boyfriend series is on iplayer I believe.

mimosa1 · 30/08/2022 20:45

I'm so sorry to hear it - how awful and frightening. Do you have some support in RL?

RandomMess · 30/08/2022 20:52

Hang on in there. Co-dependency is so hard to break free from.

Please ensure that they charge him so you get protection.

Flowers
Leafy3 · 30/08/2022 21:39

The worst part is, when I heard he had been arrested, I felt so, so sad. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to reverse the clock and be snuggled up in bed with him watching our favourite film. How can your head and your heart be so different? How can they make you feel this way

Love, if it were you that had been arrested, he would not be feeling the same way. He'd have a good laugh and be secretly delighted. He would then find some sneaky, manipulative, gaslight-y way to rub in your humiliation and use it to grind you down even more.

lisers · 30/08/2022 21:39

Remember horrible people are not horrible all the time (which is why you feel conflicted).

However, nice people would never treat you as he has done in the last few days.

You have done the hardest part (leaving), just keep remembering that people who genuinely care do not threaten to kill those they love.

Take care

Gymnopedie · 30/08/2022 21:57

The worst part is, when I heard he had been arrested, I felt so, so sad. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to reverse the clock and be snuggled up in bed with him watching our favourite film. How can your head and your heart be so different? How can they make you feel this way

Hi OP, please have a read of this. Your feelings aren't as unusual as you might think. Love is a complex emotion, and not one that's easily switched on and off.

Loving an abusive partner

Original poster
tryingtobestrong2 · 31/08/2022 08:51

I've just woke up feeling so sick with anxiety. They have up until 3pm today to charge him and I feel so so anxious, I just want to hear from them now

OP posts:
sueelleker · 31/08/2022 08:55

I hope the hospital pumped his stomach! It would serve him right.

Sswhinesthebest · 31/08/2022 08:56

You can do this. Get angry. What right does he have to put you through all this!

rainbowstardrops · 31/08/2022 09:39

Blimey, you must have been absolutely terrified!
You've done the hardest part. Stay strong! Flowers

RandomMess · 31/08/2022 20:27

Hang on in there Flowers

Butterlover1 · 31/08/2022 20:41

Stick to your guns OP, this will get easier, you deserve a life with a loving, caring partner who treats you with respect.

Stay strong. You can do this! 💪

Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2022 20:52

How terrifying for you.

please call womens aid for advice and assistance. I know that you are thinking about the happy times but they are over now. All that is left is an angry man who sees you as his property rather than a person with rights and feelings. Right now he is a danger to you.
You need to focus on staying safe. Tell your workplace so that you get support there and also do that no one accidentally gives him sone information about you if he contacts them.

Tell your friends and family for the same reasons. Wishing you well.

Twillow · 31/08/2022 22:25

@Rainbowqueeen excellent advice.
So sorry you're going through this. A human response to feel sad and regret for lost experiences, but he has had the choice about how to respond. Would you dream of doing the same if circumstances were reversed? Stay safe xx

LondonLovie · 31/08/2022 22:59

There is another way, another life free of this man, his threats, his poison. There is a life where he exists only in your past. There is a future without fear. Do not let him slowly ebb away at your your confidence, self worth, like a cancer. You have a meaning, a purpose,

a wonderful life to live. Now you can and will live it and he will slowly fade into another time. Stay strong, better times are in your grasp x Flowers

CornishTiger · 31/08/2022 23:02

Well done @tryingtobestrong2 I hope they charged him. Did they do a dash risk assessment. Are they referring you for an IDVA?
Have they discussed a home office panic alarm.
NCDV.org.uk can support you to get a without notice restraining order.

Original poster
tryingtobestrong2 · 01/09/2022 21:02

I'm sorry, I'm back again. I'm struggling to talk to people in real life about these feelings as I'm not sure they understand why I feel anything other than pure anger and hatred.

I'm back in my house now after staying away for a while and I've done nothing but sob, and sob some more. It feels so quiet and lonely. Sat on the sofa alone when normally I'd be lay on him and he would tickle my back or play with my hair. Constantly offering me a cup of tea and talking over the TV.

I know through his mum that he's sleeping in his car and is rock bottom. I know I shouldn't care and I should block her number too, but I can't help but just want that connection to him in some way. I went through that impossible process of getting the bail conditions for him to not text me, and now I've got them, all I want is a text.

I KNOW what he's done. I know how dangerous it was. How evil he was. But he wasn't always like that and I feel very very broken and lonely.

😢

OP posts:
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