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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My autistic teen feels he is the opposite sex.

40 replies

UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 16:38

I posted about this probably a couple of years ago. My teen DS (15) still feels he is a girl.

While I support his right to identify anyway he chooses, it has just got me really down. I just want him to be happy (which he does seem at the moment) and with autism making life harder, I just didn't want something else to make life harder. I feel really sad about it.

He is 'out' with his friends I think. They seem to still call him by his given name (but maybe not when alone). He dresses in neutral clothes - black t-shirt and jeans, has long hair but always has. I'm the only one in the family that knows. I just worry about him. I worry this makes him even more vulnerable. I think he thinks I'm not always completely supportive as I'm gender critical. But I hope in general he finds me pretty supportive.

What are the most important things I can do to make him feel loved and understood? He's my precious, beloved, DS and I can't stop crying. I want him to know he is accepted and I will have his back no matter what.

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 27/08/2022 16:40

May I suggest that you contact the baywater support group

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 16:40

Hoardasurass · 27/08/2022 16:40

May I suggest that you contact the baywater support group

Thank you, very much.

OP posts:
ella142 · 27/08/2022 16:45

If your goal is to make them feel loved and understood, the best way is to express your love and to refer to them in the terms they prefer (e.g. try to use "she" if that's what is preferred). Of course if your beliefs do not align with this then it will be difficult and all you can do is continue expressing your love for your child and hope the relationship can endure a gap between what your beliefs are and what gender your child feels they are.

RedHelenB · 27/08/2022 16:49

You support them by following their wishes

Pixiedust1234 · 27/08/2022 16:53

Hes a teen. All teens want to be different. If he feels the same when he's twenty then fair enough. How would you have supported him if he had wanted to be a full-blown punk?

BTW, there seems to be a higher percentage of autistic children who feel this need to transition, there must be an underlying reason for that, so would think that is worth exploring for a start before any commitments.

theknave · 27/08/2022 17:02

Pixiedust1234 · 27/08/2022 16:53

Hes a teen. All teens want to be different. If he feels the same when he's twenty then fair enough. How would you have supported him if he had wanted to be a full-blown punk?

BTW, there seems to be a higher percentage of autistic children who feel this need to transition, there must be an underlying reason for that, so would think that is worth exploring for a start before any commitments.

Re autism - you don't feel like you fit in with your same-sex peers and therefore logic says you must really be the opposite sex (except you wouldn't actually fit in with them either!). Sensory issues with clothing (especially I'd say girls clothing) don't help because a girl could easily prefer boys clothes which are looser or more practical. Sometimes there's a feeling of not wanting to grow up (because its so damn difficult) and the body's changes during puberty emphasise that issue - if you didn't have the bits that are changing then again logically you'd be the other sex.
I wouldn't encourage any trans-thinking to be honest, not at this stage. Be supportive about wearing what feels right, having whatever hair he wants etc. but don't pretend that he's a she because you'll just be adding to his autistic problems. He'll end up down a rabbit hole that he feels unable to get out of. Better to encourage gender-non-specific (or actually sex-non-specific) that way his options are kept open.

ZombieLIfe · 27/08/2022 17:05

If its been two years and he hasn't really made any effort to present as anything other than male, which it doesn't sound like he has, then it doesn't sound like he is doing much which would make him a target?

If he wanted me to call him by a different name I would, but I could not refer to him as she/her as its just not true and I couldn't pretend that it was. If he genuinely had gender dysphoria and part of his management of the symptoms meant he was transitioning to appear as female to others, I would, as I would understand that as part of the management of a distressing condition. But not for the situation you describe with your son and I would worry that referring to him as female could lead to a medical pathway that could lead to regret. I would avoid using sex based pronouns at all in reference to him.

BloodyCamping · 27/08/2022 17:10

Can you help him understand his autism and how it can lead to black and white thinking around male/female roles/presentation, also feeling out of step with peers. Another thing to consider is that he might be Gay.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 17:16

ella142 · 27/08/2022 16:45

If your goal is to make them feel loved and understood, the best way is to express your love and to refer to them in the terms they prefer (e.g. try to use "she" if that's what is preferred). Of course if your beliefs do not align with this then it will be difficult and all you can do is continue expressing your love for your child and hope the relationship can endure a gap between what your beliefs are and what gender your child feels they are.

He hasn't expressed a preference for me to call him 'she', but I'll check. He hasn't asked me to call him by the female name he chose either so I call him by his given name in front of others but sometimes I'll use his female name in texts just so he knows I'm comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 17:17

RedHelenB · 27/08/2022 16:49

You support them by following their wishes

So, I suppose I'm doing that already.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 17:21

Pixiedust1234 · 27/08/2022 16:53

Hes a teen. All teens want to be different. If he feels the same when he's twenty then fair enough. How would you have supported him if he had wanted to be a full-blown punk?

BTW, there seems to be a higher percentage of autistic children who feel this need to transition, there must be an underlying reason for that, so would think that is worth exploring for a start before any commitments.

Well, I would have let him express himself!

And yes, the link with autism does worry me. If anyone has found any good resources please let me know.

He hasn't expressed any desire to do anything to 'physically' transition at this stage, which I'm grateful for. Just because I would want him to be very sure before making a decision like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 17:24

theknave · 27/08/2022 17:02

Re autism - you don't feel like you fit in with your same-sex peers and therefore logic says you must really be the opposite sex (except you wouldn't actually fit in with them either!). Sensory issues with clothing (especially I'd say girls clothing) don't help because a girl could easily prefer boys clothes which are looser or more practical. Sometimes there's a feeling of not wanting to grow up (because its so damn difficult) and the body's changes during puberty emphasise that issue - if you didn't have the bits that are changing then again logically you'd be the other sex.
I wouldn't encourage any trans-thinking to be honest, not at this stage. Be supportive about wearing what feels right, having whatever hair he wants etc. but don't pretend that he's a she because you'll just be adding to his autistic problems. He'll end up down a rabbit hole that he feels unable to get out of. Better to encourage gender-non-specific (or actually sex-non-specific) that way his options are kept open.

Show quote history

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I have told him biologically no matter what he will always be a male and he understands that. I'll talk to him about 'gender/sex-non specific', thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 17:27

ZombieLIfe · 27/08/2022 17:05

If its been two years and he hasn't really made any effort to present as anything other than male, which it doesn't sound like he has, then it doesn't sound like he is doing much which would make him a target?

If he wanted me to call him by a different name I would, but I could not refer to him as she/her as its just not true and I couldn't pretend that it was. If he genuinely had gender dysphoria and part of his management of the symptoms meant he was transitioning to appear as female to others, I would, as I would understand that as part of the management of a distressing condition. But not for the situation you describe with your son and I would worry that referring to him as female could lead to a medical pathway that could lead to regret. I would avoid using sex based pronouns at all in reference to him.

Thanks for the advice. It's not so much him being bullied or anything that worries me. It is just the inner turmoil. It's bad enough struggling with being autistic and a teen and then trans is thrown in too! I do also worry about him being influenced by some trans ideology.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 17:28

BloodyCamping · 27/08/2022 17:10

Can you help him understand his autism and how it can lead to black and white thinking around male/female roles/presentation, also feeling out of step with peers. Another thing to consider is that he might be Gay.

Those are both very good points, thank you.

OP posts:
annabell22 · 27/08/2022 17:41

There's a book called something like Can I tell you about gender diversity which gives young people's perspectives. It might help you understand how he feels a bit more.

TheHouseElf · 27/08/2022 17:42

Just tell him that its OK to be different from others, you don't have to conform to any stereotypes. I've autistic teens - girl and boy - neither conform to what you could say are societal 'norms', and that is OK and they very much need to know that too.

Ever since they were small (and we had no clue back then they even were autistic) we have told them that there are all kinds of girls, and all kinds of boys in the world, and whether they are straight, gay, whatever, we would love them totally and completely. We just want them to be safe and happy.

Both mine tell me that there are kids at their schools who are identifying as all kinds of things. They don't believe these kids really think they are something different but rather that its become somewhat of a trend.

All I can tell you, is to tell your lovely boy how wonderful he is, just exactly how he is already. That he is loved and accepted unconditionally by you and always will be.

ChagSameachDoreen · 27/08/2022 17:44

Tell him that he's male and always will be, but he can like and do stereotypically "female" stuff if he wishes.

BlankTimes · 27/08/2022 17:58

To add to the excllent post by @theknave on feling like you don't want to grow up,

Rough rule of thumb, neurodiverse kids tend to be emotionally in age around two thirds of their chronological age which often people don't realise or allow for. Emotionally they are so different to their age peers.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 20:35

annabell22 · 27/08/2022 17:41

There's a book called something like Can I tell you about gender diversity which gives young people's perspectives. It might help you understand how he feels a bit more.

Oh, brilliant, I'll have a look for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 20:39

TheHouseElf · 27/08/2022 17:42

Just tell him that its OK to be different from others, you don't have to conform to any stereotypes. I've autistic teens - girl and boy - neither conform to what you could say are societal 'norms', and that is OK and they very much need to know that too.

Ever since they were small (and we had no clue back then they even were autistic) we have told them that there are all kinds of girls, and all kinds of boys in the world, and whether they are straight, gay, whatever, we would love them totally and completely. We just want them to be safe and happy.

Both mine tell me that there are kids at their schools who are identifying as all kinds of things. They don't believe these kids really think they are something different but rather that its become somewhat of a trend.

All I can tell you, is to tell your lovely boy how wonderful he is, just exactly how he is already. That he is loved and accepted unconditionally by you and always will be.

This is very much how I have brought my 2 up so that's reassuring. And my boy has never confirmed either! And I agree about it being very common. He has quite a few friends who identify as the opposite gender. His best friend has already been through a few different identities.

And he really is a lovely boy and perfect just as himself however that presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 20:40

ChagSameachDoreen · 27/08/2022 17:44

Tell him that he's male and always will be, but he can like and do stereotypically "female" stuff if he wishes.

I have but it doesn't seem to quite cut it.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 20:41

BlankTimes · 27/08/2022 17:58

To add to the excllent post by @theknave on feling like you don't want to grow up,

Rough rule of thumb, neurodiverse kids tend to be emotionally in age around two thirds of their chronological age which often people don't realise or allow for. Emotionally they are so different to their age peers.

Oh, really? I had no idea. Thank you for that.

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 27/08/2022 20:41

I found this on twitter the other day. From the perspective of someone who thought they might be female to male. Their first thought process being 'because I'm trans' and then their second, more thought about response.

twitter.com/somenuancepls/status/1562904932184772608?s=21&t=mgQ9UrvPnI9P-52rh7Mglw

Porcupineintherough · 27/08/2022 21:11

RedHelenB · 27/08/2022 16:49

You support them by following their wishes

Really? Should the parents of anorexic teenagers support them to lose weight?

He can't change sex so whilst you can empathize with his desire, the truth is he is wishing for the impossible. As an adult he can present as female if he wishes but I'd not try and hasten that as he may yet come to accept his body as it is.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2022 21:37

minisoksmakehardwork · 27/08/2022 20:41

I found this on twitter the other day. From the perspective of someone who thought they might be female to male. Their first thought process being 'because I'm trans' and then their second, more thought about response.

twitter.com/somenuancepls/status/1562904932184772608?s=21&t=mgQ9UrvPnI9P-52rh7Mglw

That's very interesting, thank you xx

OP posts: