My autistic teen feels he is the opposite sex.

[UndertheCedartree]

I posted about this probably a couple of years ago. My teen DS (15) still feels he is a girl.

While I support his right to identify anyway he chooses, it has just got me really down. I just want him to be happy (which he does seem at the moment) and with autism making life harder, I just didn't want something else to make life harder. I feel really sad about it.

He is 'out' with his friends I think. They seem to still call him by his given name (but maybe not when alone). He dresses in neutral clothes - black t-shirt and jeans, has long hair but always has. I'm the only one in the family that knows. I just worry about him. I worry this makes him even more vulnerable. I think he thinks I'm not always completely supportive as I'm gender critical. But I hope in general he finds me pretty supportive.

What are the most important things I can do to make him feel loved and understood? He's my precious, beloved, DS and I can't stop crying. I want him to know he is accepted and I will have his back no matter what.

I would suggest involvement in anything that uses his body (hillwalking, swimming & indoor climbing would be my first suggestions in order of easiest to access) as I think it helps to connect our bodies to/appreciably them for how we use them/what they do rather than an idea of how we think they should look.

Also it's a kind of self care/love.

Really?
How has that been worked out?

But he's felt like this for over 2 years. And the law says he can present as a female. Opposing this could ruin OPs relationship with him.

But at the moment he seems content w presenting as gender neutral. So why would the OP push him to change that? He's not saying he wants to present as female, he's saying he wants to be female. Which is both distressing and impossible.

Thank you for the idea.

It's interesting because I was asking what benefit does being 'trans' have to him, like what does he hope to achieve. He says he wants people to think he's a girl. I asked what being a girl meant to him but he couldn't say.

Placemarking so I can come back to this tomorrow.

@Butterbean9

The earliest references I can find for emotional age being around 2/3 of the chronological age is as follows.

www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/12901-emotional-age/

First, a book review from the Autism Society of Wisconsin:
"Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage, and Meltdowns by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick, Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 1999. Previously published as Asperger Syndrome and Rage: Practical Solutions for a Difficult Moment.
The book begins by giving an overview of the characteristics of Asperger Syndrome and how they impact behavior. I would like to quote one that I find very meaningful, from the section entitled "Maturity," "A rule of thumb: The child with neurological difficulties has an emotional maturity level that is significantly below his/her chronological age. Particularly between ages 9 and 19, children with Asperger Syndrome may appear to have the emotional maturity of someone two-thirds their age."

Second, from Asperger Syndrome Information:
"Individuals with Asperger Syndrome also have difficulty applying information and skills when placed in different situations, that is, they have great difficulty generalizing information. Their difficulties with social situations lead to difficulties understanding social cues such as frowns, smiles, boredom, and other ranges of emotions. These symptoms intensify between the ages of 9 and 19 when these children often appear to have the emotional maturity of someone two-thirds their age. (Myles & Southwick, 1999)"

And thirdly from Perner's 'The Big Picture of Autism' (about 4/5 the way down the page):"In part because of physiological limitations, we often have great difficulty picking up on what comes effortlessly to many. Many children, for example, readily discover different teachers? styles and expectations even though those are never actually verbalized. In contrast, people on the spectrum may lack the neural wiring to effectively pick up on the cues help others adjust. To make matters worse, those of us challenged by physiological limitations must devote more attention to compensating for sensory problems. This less attention available for maturation and growth. Some estimate that individuals on the spectrum may have maturity level comparable to that of a person with two thirds of his or her chronological age. Thus, there are some things that some of us learn with age?but just more slowly than others. There are other areas where maturation doesn?t seem to help as much. Many of us just don?t learn to tell when someone is angry or sad, let alone what to do about this."

More recently
www.additudemag.com/grow-up-already-why-it-takes-so-long-to-mature/
www.additudemag.com/real-age-adhd-emotional-maturity-executive-functioning/

For me it was lived experience as a parent, plus so many other parents in person or online groups for ASD/ADHD and other co-morbids mentioning the same topic of emotional immaturity sometimes with advanced intellectual abilities over and over again, that it seems to be far more prevalent than not in kids with neurodiversity.

In a different context, this is helping me to come to terms with the fact I am ageing. It helps me to focus on and appreciate my body for what it does for me, instead of what it looks like to me or others. It would be interesting if it helped in this situation too!

@theknave that's v helpful and makes a lot of sense

That's great.

I'd actually agree with the thinking that autistic people have a lower emotional age - I certainly don't 'feel' my age at all and never have. I know I'm an adult, I run my life as an adult (as in house, job, etc.) but I don't feel at all grown up. And I know that's not only applicable to autistic folk but NTs too, but I forget that I'm so much older than teenagers or people in their 20s. They must look at me and think 'middle aged odd person' while I'm thinking 'similar but less odd contemporary'. I don't know - part of this might be having never felt accepted by my parents, part might be having needed help when I was a teenager and not getting it.... Who knows. But I don't feel my age (well, physically I feel in my 80s but...).

Yes, it's interesting. I'm autistic too and I don't feel my age either. But I'm not good at any of the adult daily living stuff either!

The Health visitor did say he was very intelligent but emotionally immature at his 3 year check up. We didn't know he was autistic then, though.

If he’s the extremely logical and rational HFA, then maybe explore with him what he thinks “felling like a girl” is.

Is it that he doesn’t fit what he thinks is the masculine stereotype? Could you offer him other types of men as role models? Could you explain gender non-conformity.

If he’s same-sex attracted, maybe he thinks that means he’s “a girl” given some of the nasty homophobia around with teens.

If he’s a scientific type, then can you talk to him about the fact that our biological sex informs every single cell in our bodies. And help him learn to live in his male body.

The really dangerous thing at the moment - for his health (and potentially for the girls and women around him) is that the kind of social presentation you mention is far far too quickly “affirmed” and converted to medical , and even surgical , transition.

It’s experimental medicine, and has not been peer reviewed (the ethics would be a nightmare ). And there’s emerging evidence that, for example, the huge doses of cross-sex hormones such as oestrogen, cause young men to develop osteoporosis shockingly early.

I would say support him by listening and not rushing him into anything. It’s important to take time to understand yourself as a teen and to recognise who you are slowly over time. In the meantime a simple “ok, it’s your life and your wishes” and a reassuring hug is all you need to give