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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son to lose weight

42 replies

Coffeep · 27/08/2022 10:12

My son is 8 years old and he is very, very overweight. The bmi charts have him at the 99 percentile and he looks much, much older than he his actual age. People have started commenting that he looks much older than his actual age. He wears clothes for 12 year old boy.
my wife doesn’t think this is a problem and she has repeatedly dismissed my concerns. The problem is she feeds him adult sized portions, Big Mac meals when they go out, adult sandwiches from pret, adult menu from Pizza Hut. When I try to bring this up with her she accuses me of upsetting hiM and tells me the weight will sort itself out.
i don’t know what I can do other than speak to him and ask him to control his diet but I will be accused of upsetting him.

OP posts:
maybein2022 · 27/08/2022 10:14

Please don’t ask your son to lose weight. But, equally, this sounds very worrying. What are meals like at home? Do you take your son out for lots of walks/exercise etc? Does your wife have a weight issue? Can she explain why she is feeding him so much rubbish?

SharpLily · 27/08/2022 10:18

This was my nephew. To no-one's surprise he ended up getting bullied at school, he even got quite badly beaten up. Ask your wife if this is what she wants for your son.

Catch21 · 27/08/2022 10:19

Honestly OP, asking an 8yo to control his diet when he's being given free access to so much unhealthy food is unrealistic and won't achieve anything. It may be different in a few years time, but he simply isn't mature enough to make those decisions.

You mention lots of eating out - what about meals at home? Could you take on more of the cooking to make sure the meals are healthy?

J0y · 27/08/2022 10:20

Do you live together in the same house?
It sounds like you don't live with them and haven't experienced the pressure of your son wanting to eat what he wants to eat. Does your wife/x really want to spend the money on adult portions when children's portions are cheaper? Is that a choice she would happily make if there weren't pressure put on her?

I think you should approach it from the angle of supporting HER because if you criticise her for being the one who is there with him and faced with the pressure and blamed for giving in and being weak, then she won't see you as an ally. She's not blind. She probably sees her child is overweight.

My children weren't overweight (teens now) but their father held me responsible for everything about them that displeased him/disappointed him. And although I would have liked my son to have worked harder, we could never be a united unit in working to see how that could be achieved because my x's position was to stand in judgement of me, blaming me.

If he'd said to me, is there anything I can do. Can I offer to back you up if xxxx reacts aggressively to your discipline, that would have been so helpful
With his SUPPORT I could have imposed internet restrictions and a number of other things that would have helped my son, but I was always on my own with any plan I had.

hope that perspective helps.

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2022 10:20

Children should not lose weight, nor should they be made ultra aware of their weight. If you’re worried I’d suggest you get a professional opinion.

Sparklfairy · 27/08/2022 10:20

I'm not sure what you think asking your son to lose weight will do. He's 8 ffs, he won't know the first thing about nutrition.

Youre his parents, its up to both of you to fix this.

Starship951 · 27/08/2022 10:22

He's 8. The adults in his life have to help him with this. If his other parent isn't willing to help him get healthy and fit then its going to be very difficult to achieve this.

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2022 10:25

How often do you see and feed him?

Quincythequince · 27/08/2022 10:25

You as parents are the problem, not an 8 year old child.

Her for setting him up for issues now and later down the line (there is a 95% trajectory for being an obese adult if a obese when reaching puberty) and you for not being firmer.

You need to intervene, firmly now.

With his mother.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/08/2022 10:26

An 8 year olds weight is entirely the responsibility of the adults feeding him and making sure he is active. You can work together change these things but it is not a question asking the child to lose weight.

CecilyP · 27/08/2022 10:26

He’s only 8, so I don’t think you can expect him to take responsibility for what the adults in his life should be doing. Would it be possible to get professional help?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 27/08/2022 10:27

you are the adults/parents. you control what he eats. so you have a partner problem

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:28

So you live with your wife?

As if she doesn't understand about healthy food habits I'd genuinely think about separating so you could at least control his food 50% of the time

She is abusing your son and asking him to lose weight won't fix it as he isn't in control of his food

Snoozer11 · 27/08/2022 10:28

Allowing or enabling him to be so big is child abuse.

You need to do something.

Can you be active with him? Kick a ball every night or ride a bike together?

NovaDeltas · 27/08/2022 10:30

You can't tell an abused child it's his job to not be abused.

This is a problem with the mother. Ultimately if she wants to kill him with lard and refuses to stop you need to consider more nuclear options to keep the child away from her at least half the time.

If she thinks filling him with Big Macs is appropriate parenting them, I dunno. I'd be out of there, personally, because clearly that person doesn't share your parenting values. Or appear to possess any.

NippyWoowoo · 27/08/2022 10:33

You and your wife are the problem here OP, sorry. Have a word with yourselves.

StClare101 · 27/08/2022 10:35

I’d be insisting on a medical appointment that you all attend. After the GP has seen your son ask him to wait in the waiting room and ask the GP straight out with your wife there what you should be doing differently.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/08/2022 10:38

As if she doesn't understand about healthy food habits I'd genuinely think about separating so you could at least control his food 50% of the time

Or slightly less dramatically, you could just pick up a saucepan and cook dinner yourself and put out the servings for everyone. And stop buying snacks/meals out. If you go out for the day make sandwiches at home first. And no fizzy drinks. The sugary ones affect your tastebuds so you only want bland beige food and the “diet” ones make you crave carbs.

Your wife doesn’t sound like she has time to cook or maybe doesn’t know how, and is falling back on rubbish.
So you need to take some of the load. Walk more. Walk to the park at least once a day. Get off the bus one stop early. Put phones down more and spend more time with the child playing outside.
The child doesn’t need to know the changes are anything to do with his weight.

CatSeany · 27/08/2022 10:40

You can't put the onus on an 8 year old to lose weight. Just start changing what you serve him for meals and snacks. Explain that you've decided as a family to choose healthier options that are better for all of your bodies so he isn't being singled out. Do walks and bike rides etc. At no point should you mention that he's overweight in my opinion.

threecupsofteaminimum · 27/08/2022 10:41

Are you and his mother overweight?

Sorry but you don't sound particularly bright, either that or this is a fake AIBU.

Surely you must know an 8 year old child isn't accountable for their own diet and weight.

Do you cook with fresh vegetables and understand basic nutrition?

georgarina · 27/08/2022 10:42

An 8 year old doesn't know how to lose weight. Talk to your wife..?

Original poster
Coffeep · 27/08/2022 10:44

Yes, I take him out everyday for long walks, bike rides, swimming etc. he is active.

OP posts:
Mariokartedoff · 27/08/2022 10:48

Is there a particular reason why your wife is doing all of the feeding and you are not involved? My DH does most of the cooking for our DC due to my work hours but I still have an input into what our kids are eating. Such as buying healthy food choices.

To be fair, my 9YO is on the 50th centile and eats like an adult. He eats more than I do. So I don't necessarily think food is all of the problem. What exercise does your child do?

Kay00 · 27/08/2022 10:48

Your son is learning the habits that will last him a life time. If he regularly eats McDonald's or Pizza hut he will see these as normal meals, rather than the occasional treat. If all his portions are large then this will be normal to him, and those portion sizes will likely grow as he does.

Its great you are keeping active together, but exercise alone doesn't loose weight, reducing calories does.

Does he snack a lot? Eat much fruit and veg? These are other areas you and your wife could work on together.

Quincythequince · 27/08/2022 10:52

Coffeep · 27/08/2022 10:44

Yes, I take him out everyday for long walks, bike rides, swimming etc. he is active.

Won’t make any difference if he’s so much.
It clearly doesn’t as you’re concerned about his weight.

He needs for you to help him make better food choices, and grow into his weight (not lose, but not gain significantly as he grows).

This is how dietitians approach weight loss in kids unless it’s very very serious.