To ask my son to lose weight

[Coffeep]

My son is 8 years old and he is very, very overweight. The bmi charts have him at the 99 percentile and he looks much, much older than he his actual age. People have started commenting that he looks much older than his actual age. He wears clothes for 12 year old boy.
my wife doesn’t think this is a problem and she has repeatedly dismissed my concerns. The problem is she feeds him adult sized portions, Big Mac meals when they go out, adult sandwiches from pret, adult menu from Pizza Hut. When I try to bring this up with her she accuses me of upsetting hiM and tells me the weight will sort itself out.
i don’t know what I can do other than speak to him and ask him to control his diet but I will be accused of upsetting him.

Is he actually overweight according to the doctor?

Mr son is obese according to BMI but he’s very tall and in 11yo clothes at 9yo but as tall as most 11 year olds.

GP has told me to ignore BMI for him owing to his height and build.

Check the real situation first and then decide on further action.

Your wife is abusing him.

Is she overweight herself? Sometimes overweight parents will actively encourage their child to be overweight so they'll not be the only big one in the family, or so they can say it's clearly genetic and therefore not their fault. It's a really complex situation, and very difficult to treat.

Can you get a GP appointment, and ask for a dietitian referral? Having someone who's not emotionally invested state that something needs to change can help parents in denial.

Food is mostly what drives gaining or losing weight

You need to find a way to get through to your wife, if that doesn't work take over as much of the cooking and food prep as you can, if that doesn't work or isn't possible you need to consider what the best option is for your child.

As he is being abused by his mother and you might need to make hard choices

Do you live together?

If so - you need to take control of mealtimes. If you don't live with him, then it's really difficult. You can't control what she feeds him - but you can talk to her about your concerns. And you can show him another way of living when he's with you so that he has more experience of healthy food when he's older and able to make his own food choices.

Hmm this is all a bit fishy.

OP I presumably male and takes his son out on long walks every day but doesn’t see what his son eats as his responsibility or within his control. That’s the decided wife’s job.

How much does child actually weigh OP? 99th centimetres on a child who is average height on age 8 is about 7.5 stone. Would that be about right?

*centile

My 9 year old son is 94th percentile for weight but similarly 96th percentile for height. He doesn't look overweight at all and paediatrician said he was healthy. What is your son's height because that makes a big difference?

If it's just puppy fat it will probably sort itself out. If not then don't ask him to lose weight but just keep up the exercise and start giving him healthier food.

Of course you can’t ask your son to manage loosing weight, he’s eight.

Is there a reason your wife does all the cooking and feeding him? If you could take over some of this it would help.

If there really is no way to reason with her I would arrange a phone call with your GP and explain the problem and the family dynamics, and explain you are going to need a referral to a dietitian.

I’d then take him in for a health check to trigger the referral. If he’s as overweight as you say the GP will be concerned, and with a referral you will then be able to tell your wife things have to change and help your son act on the help he gets from the dietician.

I wouldn’t normally suggest you act behind your partners back, but your son’s health takes priority.

What sort of weight is your wife (and you)?

He’s learning his eating habits and forming the neural pathways around the behaviours from his parents.

He is very tall for his age, he is the tallest in his class. He is in the 98 percentile for his height but going on his bmi he is overweight. Maybe I shouldn’t be focusing on his bmi

If he’s 99 for weight and 98 for height then he is balanced but large for his age?

I think you should go to the gp for a chat though.

Is he 99 for weight and 98 for height, or is he 99 on the BMI calculator that allows for both height and weight in one number?

I go by looks. Of you cant see outline of ribs they are carrying too much weight. Iv a 9 yr old who wear age 11 clothes for height but he has slim waist. He could also eat for England. So we steer him towards fruit for snacks or carrot or veg sticks and lots of very diluted juice (as he wont consume lots of water). Also have cur electronics and sent outside to play. Plus swimming and sports 2 to 3 times a week

He isn’t responsible for his diet; you and your wife are.
Check his bmi and don’t think about losing weight, simply slow its rise until a growth spurt takes him out of excess bmi

@Coffeep

How much of the family cooking do you do currently?

If you want to control what your son eats, you need to do 90% of the meal planning and cooking, otherwise, you're just another cheeky fucker trying to force your opinions onto someone else but making no real effort to help change their habits.

Lots of boys grow like Christmas trees. Puppy fat then shoot upwards. Mine have all done this and the two oldest are 6ft plus skinny adults. Second son was overweight from about 9yrs to 15 then he shot up in height.

If you think your son is definitely obese then book an appointment to see the GP and ask them for advice.

@Coffeep

if he’s that tall I doubt he’s actually as big as you think. My son is ‘very obese’ according to BMI and the doctor just told me to ignore. I’m not delusional - he could definitely be slimmer but he’s not the tank the charts would have you believe.

Yes, your son may need to have healthier food and you and your wife can make better choices but my hunch is he’s not as big as you think.

This is a problem with your wife, not your son. Don't ask him to lose weight. He's 8. You and your wife need to ensure you give him plenty of fruit and veg, get him.exercising, and reduce portion sizes. He doesn't need to know.