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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really allowed out…

48 replies

Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 18:36

Sorry this a long one…

My DH and I broke up in October 21, we had been going through some issues since lockdown one such as lack of communication, him just passing out on the sofa most nights, no kissing or real affection and him being particularly hard on my eldest son who is not his.

My eldest son has had some significant behavioural issues through early childhood trauma as his father and I were very very young and extremely toxic. I take full responsibility for this and have tried my best to iron out the issues through reparative counselling.

Son started getting involved in crime such as stealing, cannabis etc as he hit his teens and got quite violent. This led to voluntary foster care at our request as it was getting dangerous and son wouldn’t engage with agencies.

Me and DH did get back together 6 months later however he makes it so so hard for me to have contact, for example we have children so I’m not allowed to go visit my eldest unless they’re fed, house is tidy and they’re asleep.

Then he makes angry digs at me for not being at home of an evening as I’m spending time with my son.

aibu to still go on evening contact

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 18:38

You need to leave this abusive situation as soon as you can

You've gone from one terrible abusive relationship to another, please be kind to yourself and know you deserve so much more than this Flowers

Badgirlriri · 26/08/2022 18:38

I’d never allow this. He’s your son. Don’t let this man erase your son from your life.

Dotcheck · 26/08/2022 18:39

You want people to vote on whether or not your should be able to see your child without ‘doing your chores first’ and without being punished?

The answer seems screamingly obvious

Seeline · 26/08/2022 18:40

Can't your DH feed his children and tidy the house?
Of course you need contact with your son and your husband has no right to stop that.

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 18:41

Have you posted about this situation before? I vaguely remember something similar.

You need to leave your DH.

Coachwork · 26/08/2022 18:42

How old is your son? If he's 14 the answer would be very different to if he's 19.

FreezyFreezy · 26/08/2022 18:43

Please stay in touch with your eldest son, regardless of what your husband says. Your son will remember that you were there for him, or not, and whether you put him above your, frankly abusive, husband's wants.

AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 18:43

Coachwork · 26/08/2022 18:42

How old is your son? If he's 14 the answer would be very different to if he's 19.

Why would the answer be different?

At 19 he would still be her son

DashboardConfessional · 26/08/2022 18:47

You don't have to be "allowed" to do anything. He's not your dad and you're not 13.

Branleuse · 26/08/2022 18:56

Is he the boss of you? Are you a child? Why does he get to say what you are and arent allowed to do.
Jesus christ woman. Is this what you think is normal?

AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 18:57

Branleuse · 26/08/2022 18:56

Is he the boss of you? Are you a child? Why does he get to say what you are and arent allowed to do.
Jesus christ woman. Is this what you think is normal?

Unfortunately for some women they do think this is normal

Your tone here is really not ok considering the fact this is a woman in an abusive situation asking for support

Original poster
Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 18:59

I just obey so I don’t run the risk of him throwing me out and not letting me see the children. He says if my son wasn’t my son I wouldn’t have anything to do with him because he’s been bad so he’s not allowed near our home, to have dinner with us or anything. If I was to go behind his back and let son visit me and the children when he’s at work he would be furious.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 26/08/2022 18:59

You are once again prioritising a shitty relationship over your son. Your own SON. Prioritise your child for fucks sake! Before it’s too late.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/08/2022 19:01

Why do you think you can't leave with the kids?

Original poster
Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 19:02

There is nowhere to go. I wouldn’t afford a private rental as I have no means of a deposit and the housing list is 2 years long. I’m on the waiting list secretly, but it’s dire.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 26/08/2022 19:02

Yabu to stay with this nasty scrote. Call women's aid for help getting you and your children away from him

StopStartStop · 26/08/2022 19:03

The man in your life is ruling you. That's not right. He should be your partner, you should be working together. I know that's an ideal that not many people achieve (certainly not me, I live alone!) and I don't mention it to make you feel bad, but to remind you that this situation isn't right.

You need yourself and your children away from him. Do you have any family support?

Furrydogmum · 26/08/2022 19:04

You've posted this situation at least once before! You need to leave this man, he's abusive and none of your children are benefitting from living like this.

Original poster
Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 19:04

I’ve just had enough I really have. Yes things were bad with my son but I love him so much and I feel so torn away from him. He’s a teenager so some weeks he wants more contact than others but when I go more my DH says ‘you’re obsessed with your kid it’s weird’. My family all think my DH is an angel, I’ve got no one to turn to.

OP posts:
Furrydogmum · 26/08/2022 19:06

Please please contact womens aid for advice and support in getting away from him 💐

MichelleScarn · 26/08/2022 19:07

Horrifically reaching but I could only under your DH not wanting to have him in the house if the violence was directed at you/your children/him?

itsgettingweird · 26/08/2022 19:11

It's not weird to be "obsessed" with your kid.

In actual fact you aren't even that.

You are a mum who has had to make tough decisions for the sake of that child, you and his siblings. But you're still his mum and you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Your Dh however is an abusive prick who you NEED to leave asap. Agree with ringing woman's aid.

AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 19:13

Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 19:04

I’ve just had enough I really have. Yes things were bad with my son but I love him so much and I feel so torn away from him. He’s a teenager so some weeks he wants more contact than others but when I go more my DH says ‘you’re obsessed with your kid it’s weird’. My family all think my DH is an angel, I’ve got no one to turn to.

Your family are wrong

Please contact womens aid or the police for support leaving this terrible situation for you and your DC

AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 19:14

Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 19:02

There is nowhere to go. I wouldn’t afford a private rental as I have no means of a deposit and the housing list is 2 years long. I’m on the waiting list secretly, but it’s dire.

Who is on your current tenancy or mortgage

If it's joint or in your name contact the police and they will help get him out. You don't need to leave

theonlygirl · 26/08/2022 19:18

Please continue the evening visits. Clearly your son has pushed everyone to the brink with his behaviors but he is already in foster care. He needs to see that you still love him. How was his relationship with your DH before he started getting into trouble? I've no idea how you deal with your DH. I get that he has probably put up with a lot, but your eldest is already removed from the home, does he need to be removed from your life altogether? 😥

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