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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really allowed out…

48 replies

Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 18:36

Sorry this a long one…

My DH and I broke up in October 21, we had been going through some issues since lockdown one such as lack of communication, him just passing out on the sofa most nights, no kissing or real affection and him being particularly hard on my eldest son who is not his.

My eldest son has had some significant behavioural issues through early childhood trauma as his father and I were very very young and extremely toxic. I take full responsibility for this and have tried my best to iron out the issues through reparative counselling.

Son started getting involved in crime such as stealing, cannabis etc as he hit his teens and got quite violent. This led to voluntary foster care at our request as it was getting dangerous and son wouldn’t engage with agencies.

Me and DH did get back together 6 months later however he makes it so so hard for me to have contact, for example we have children so I’m not allowed to go visit my eldest unless they’re fed, house is tidy and they’re asleep.

Then he makes angry digs at me for not being at home of an evening as I’m spending time with my son.

aibu to still go on evening contact

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 26/08/2022 19:20

Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 19:02

There is nowhere to go. I wouldn’t afford a private rental as I have no means of a deposit and the housing list is 2 years long. I’m on the waiting list secretly, but it’s dire.

You can apply to your council for homelessness support on the grounds of domestic abuse. Your options are emergency housing, temporary accommodation if you’re a council tenant or move to a refuge.

Please contact Women’s Aid for advice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2022 19:21

I agree with what everyone else is saying to get out.

What did you do or where did you go when you split up last time. Is that an option?

Kanaloa · 26/08/2022 19:21

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 18:41

Have you posted about this situation before? I vaguely remember something similar.

You need to leave your DH.

Not vaguely similar, the exact same. OP has already posted and has already had all the wonderful advice and honest truths but presumably she’s still in the same situation and posting again.

I would probably stop blaming his difficulties on ‘early childhood trauma.’ He’s still suffering trauma. His mother prioritises her new man and his kids over him and won’t visit him in foster care without her new boyfriend’s permission. Posting this again won’t change any of that.

Cavvies · 26/08/2022 19:24

Well - you’ve totally messed up your sons life and even now you can’t put him vice your own toxic condependency

sounds like you have had lots of opportunities to sort yourself out and you have chosen to go back to your toxic relationship

you need to put your son and your other children before your own dysfunctional priorities

but i very much doubt you will

TheWeeDonkey · 26/08/2022 19:27

I am sick and tired of women who put the vaginas before their kids needs.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you created the situation that your son is in and your answer is to create more children who will also end up being traumatised by the men you choose to live with.

You know what you need to do. Either be a mother or be his doormat, you can't do both.

Hotandbothereds · 26/08/2022 19:38

Have you spoken to your family about what your partner is really like? Or do they just see the side he wants to show them?

If you confided in them would they support you? Where did you go when you left before?

Original poster
Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 19:38

I don’t know where the assumption that I’ve posted before is because I haven’t. My situation is probably not unique…

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 26/08/2022 19:53

Please prioritise your son over your abusive DH. He sounds awful and shouldn’t be around your children. Get some support from Women’s Aid and get out. Put you and your children first.

Burgoo · 26/08/2022 20:01

Firstly guilt tripping you into staying indoors isn't okay. He needs to be able to communicate what he wants from you in an adult way.

And at the same time something is driving it. I am curious what he is thinking/feeling and what prompts him to get angry about it. Is he feeling neglected? Does he feel you are being taken advantage of by your son? There could be any number of genuine reasons for the behaviour but he needs to communicate it more effectively with you and not in this way.

What I want to know is...

What is it he actually wants?
What are his thoughts when you are out?
What stops him communicating it in a way that's helpful?

There is ALWAYS multiple perspectives in all interactions/relationships. The only way to get him to cut it out is to either 1. leave or 2. find out what the actual issue is.

I also don't appreciate the "just leave him" comments. MUCH easier said than done and unless you have been through the guilt, trauma and terrible sadness of ending a relationship like that you have really no idea.

Keep safe.

Intothewoodland · 26/08/2022 20:07

This is very similar (basically exactly the same) as what someone else has posted. Your husband is abusive. This situation is awful for your poor son. You need to leave your husband, see your son as often as he needs/you can practically.

DottyLittleRainbow · 26/08/2022 20:29

Call women’s aid.

You need to do the freedom programme.

RedHelenB · 26/08/2022 20:31

Midnightspinkcollar · 26/08/2022 18:36

Sorry this a long one…

My DH and I broke up in October 21, we had been going through some issues since lockdown one such as lack of communication, him just passing out on the sofa most nights, no kissing or real affection and him being particularly hard on my eldest son who is not his.

My eldest son has had some significant behavioural issues through early childhood trauma as his father and I were very very young and extremely toxic. I take full responsibility for this and have tried my best to iron out the issues through reparative counselling.

Son started getting involved in crime such as stealing, cannabis etc as he hit his teens and got quite violent. This led to voluntary foster care at our request as it was getting dangerous and son wouldn’t engage with agencies.

Me and DH did get back together 6 months later however he makes it so so hard for me to have contact, for example we have children so I’m not allowed to go visit my eldest unless they’re fed, house is tidy and they’re asleep.

Then he makes angry digs at me for not being at home of an evening as I’m spending time with my son.

aibu to still go on evening contact

This has been posted before.

ManateeFair · 26/08/2022 20:33

YANBU to see your son. YABU to stay in a relationship with your abusive husband.

KyaClark · 26/08/2022 20:34

Definitely been posted before.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2022 20:36

Call Women's Aid, and tell the social worker handling your son's case what's going on.

You need help leaving this abusive man.

When you get away, do a lot of counseling before settling down again with a man.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2022 20:37

0808 2000 247 is WA number.

Merryoldgoat · 26/08/2022 20:38

You’ve damaged your son with your poor choices and continue to do so.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/08/2022 21:03

Your husband is abusive

He can’t ‘not allow’ you to do things.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/08/2022 21:07

TheWeeDonkey · 26/08/2022 19:27

I am sick and tired of women who put the vaginas before their kids needs.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you created the situation that your son is in and your answer is to create more children who will also end up being traumatised by the men you choose to live with.

You know what you need to do. Either be a mother or be his doormat, you can't do both.

@TheWeeDonkey

I think everyone including the OP could do without the misogynistic insults. She is in an abusive relationship. Yes she needs to leave. But is she staying because her husband has a pull on her nether regions? No, she’s staying because he has a pull on her mind. It doesn’t take a genius to understand this.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 26/08/2022 21:10

Ime your troubled dc needs you so very much.
That prick of a dp needs kicking to the kerb op.

Bintymcbintface · 26/08/2022 21:13

Why are you putting an arsehole over your son... You don't need his permission to go and see him. tbh I'm slightly aghast that you just handed him over to the social care system

TheWeeDonkey · 26/08/2022 21:15

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/08/2022 21:07

@TheWeeDonkey

I think everyone including the OP could do without the misogynistic insults. She is in an abusive relationship. Yes she needs to leave. But is she staying because her husband has a pull on her nether regions? No, she’s staying because he has a pull on her mind. It doesn’t take a genius to understand this.

Show quote history

The thing is I know people who've had to grow up in a home where their needs came far below everything else that was going on and they really don't have a good outcome. In fact some of them didn't last long at all. So excuse me for being tired of OP making the same mistakes time and again while it's her children who suffer the consequences.

Cavvies · 26/08/2022 22:10

Yep - there’s a point about women need to accept that they are also playing a role in perpetuating a toxic relationship that is damanging their kids

the op left and went back - she has the opportunity to address the issues that were causing her to be in a toxic relationship and didn’t do it

I very quickly lose sympathy who are too weak to face their own issues and protect their children

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