Worried about having a child as I'm too sensitive to many things

[Franksidebottom12]

I'd like a child perhaps, but I like a very quiet, calm and tidy life and I'm worried I'd have too little patience. I'm ok with bodily functions as I've worked in elderly care (I'm not saying I enjoy it, just grin and bear it)
However having worked a lot around children and teens there are many things which just put me off completely.
The list is endless: nose picking, talking with their mouth full of food, eating with their mouth open, not brushing teeth hence bad breath, poor hygiene, dirty, filthy smelling bedrooms (i had a teenage brother!!)
Farting, putting empty packets back in the cupboard, leaving the cupboard open, whining constantly, very loud voice, screeching for no reason, being very clumsy and banging into you constantly, spilling drinks etc. Constantly, eating everything in the house, rudeness, passive aggressiveness, screaming for no reason.

These are just things I've observed mainly from working with children and teens. I'm not saying I was a perfect child, definitely not. But the above things just make me feel ill, and I feel like I have very little tolerance.
I can't expect a child to be perfectly behaved in every way but not sure I could deal with the above things on a regular basis. I know some of it would be down to my parenting and if they behave, but sometimes kids are just kids. Maybe I'm just very impatient and expect too much?

I dislike most children - the noise, the mess, the snot. But it's different when they are your own, you become kind of immune to a lot of behaviours (although leaving the milk out of the fridge and cupboards open is still driving me up the walls)

This
It's completely different when the child is your own.
It's like caring for an elderly parent. I could never imagine doing it but when my dm was ill and needed lots of personal care l did it no bother because of my relationship with her.
Your love for the child means you may not be bothered by here things

Well, you are the one who's in charge of a small child's hygiene...

But yes. Frankly if you've got "they might put a packet back in the cupboard the wrong way" on your list of 'reasons not to have kids' , it's probably not for you.

"The list is endless: [list of annoying behaviours follow] ... But the above things just make me feel ill, and I feel like I have very little tolerance.
Are you being serious that this would make you fell ill? Or are you using it as just a turn of speech?

"I'd like a child perhaps, but I like a very quiet, calm and tidy life and I'm worried I'd have too little patience."
"Perhaps." Why do you think you'd like a child? Serious question, as I was frankly indifferent to the idea of having a child myself.

That list made me LOL. What a brilliant description of childhood. But it's not like that all the time and a parent's job is to make sure none of those things become permanent habits; but if you can't put up with any of it at all, probably not for you.

It helps a lot when it's your child that you love and you have some influence on modelling them; I say some, they are are an independent person with their own agenda. It's fine to not have children if you think it's too much of a gamble/ compromise on your comfort level.

I had no idea how much I'd find the sensory/ on demand side of parenting. I've got no regrets about my two and I knew the baby/ toddler years were draining, but I didn't expect that to continue indefinitely although one of mine is neurodiverse which has some effect.

Of course quiet introverted people should have children. In fact please do - for diversity and all that

The op doesn't just sound introverted

Sounds like there is an actual problem there

I’m the same, OP. I couldn’t/wouldn’t want to deal with 99% of it, hence the reason I’ve never gone down the parent route.

A pp said some people aren’t “cut out” for it and I agree. I could be a parent if I wanted but I don’t; it’s just not for me and I’m not suited to a life with kids.

People keep saying I’ll regret it but surprisingly can’t give me a single real reason to actually have a kid! Get a dog like me- she’s the light of my life and I honestly can’t imaging feeing the same about a human!

I'd stop thinking about it now
You sound totally unsuitable for children
Some people just aren't cut out for it

'People keep saying I’ll regret it but surprisingly can’t give me a single real reason to actually have a kid!'

Exactly! Some people just like to churn out cliches. Having a child is still absolutely seen as the 'normal' thing to do and some parents just cannot get their heads around not doing it

What you are describing is "other people's children", it is not the same when you have your own because you love them unconditionally.

There is nothing in your post to suggest you would not be a good parent. Only that you consider things carefully and have doubts. Excellent traits for being a lovely parent.

I had thoughts like this throughout pregnancy. What if I don't love them and I am a bad mum was my main thing. Well it's hands down the best thing I have ever done. And other people's children still irritate the heck out of me.

Children are like a lucky dip...... in your position I wouldn't have one.

I'm much the same, OP - I realised a lot of the things that are just normal childhood things I find deeply annoying, and that I'd make an intolerant, frustrated parent a lot of the time as a result.

There are other reasons why I don't want kids too, but that was the main one - stuff that is absolutely part and parcel of parenting, even raising a well-behaved child, is stuff I would find utterly intolerable in my life.

Given that you're even thinking about this, it suggests these aren't things you're willing (or able - a lot of it for me is sensory-based and it's not something I can just turn off) to compromise on, so don't do it - you'll make yourself miserable!

I'm very noise/chaos/transition sensitive (diagnosed with aspergers when I was younger) and I decided not to have children.

I'm not particularly squeamish, I work FT, have a husband and a mortgage etc. So I'm high functioning.

But I've often found myself in situations with other peoples kids/in public flinching from loud sudden noises from children or feeling stressed over disorder or changes of plans around friends with kids.

So I decided it wasn't a good idea to have my own. I just don't think I'd cope or be a good parent.

I like quiet, calm and I have low patience. My 3 DC were fine.

My parenting was quite strict but less so as they got older. Although I was never ‘strict’ about tidiness or rooms etc - just behaviour. They were impeccably behaved, even as small children, never problematic as teens and now accomplished young people who are great company. They still choose to hang out with us with boyfriends/girlfriends so it can’t have been that bad!

If you want calm, quiet, well behaved children that’s what you set as a parental expectation.

Can I ask what does your partner think? Or are you thinking of lone parenting by choice? which can be very hard and lonely in addition to the other issues you have raised.
Dogs and kids? Not just for Christmas.....keep that in mind too you are their mother forever

Do t forget there is a stage between a child learning what’s acceptable and “bad parenting”. Kids dont automatically know this stuff - you need to teach them. So you’ll go through a degree of most of this stuff on the way.

If you want kids this all goes with territory.

There are many things that bother you in relation to other people but not when it’s your own child. I absolutely hate other peoples snot but I happily picked my child’s nose when she was bunged up and was too little to do it herself. I won’t let anyone eat from my plate or drink from my glass but I let my child do it. Noise and mess and smell from my own child isn’t a problem.

I suppose I see my child as an extension of me. She came out of my body. I fed her with my own milk. We clung together, skin to skin, for months. Her snot doesn’t bother me any more than my own does. It’s not something you really understand until you have a child yourself.

I am similar to you in some ways, OP. I’m very squeamish, I like peace, quiet, tidiness & order. I need my own space and I need my downtime. If I don’t get it, I can be grumpy. I am extremely impatient, and I can be quite selfish, particularly in terms of how I spend my valuable free time. For all of these reasons and more, I decided that being a parent was definitely not for me. I’m now middle aged & childfree by choice with absolutely no regrets.

Having children is a valid lifestyle choice, but it isn’t for everyone, and it sounds like it may not be for you.

It may be different when its your own child but you won’t know until it’s too late so why risk it?

I grew up with a mum who hated every part of us being kids and it was miserable, it still is miserable, and I ended up with a hell of a lot of issues that have stemmed from her ridiculous expectations. My partner, who on face value gets on very well with my mum, told me recently he had a dream where he unleashed on her and told her we was all sick of walking on eggshells with her and we laughed about how accurate it was but now I just feel sadness that her hatred of us being very normal but just not good enough for her was so obvious that someone I didn’t even meet until I was in my 20s and no longer a child could still sense how awful she was as a parent.

I’m not saying you’ll be a bad parent or that your children will definitely be miserable btw op, you may be an amazing mother, but when it comes to children who will then grow up to be adults independent from you why would you go into it knowing you may not be able to tolerate some of the (fairly standard for most kids) things they do? It seems better to not risk raising a new generation of traumatised children.

And as the saying goes, it’s better to regret not having children than it is to regret having them.

Having a child involves making an enormous amount of sacrifices.

If you can't sacrifice these mundane things you've listed I would strongly suggest not having a child.

Sarky comments or not, they're right. It wouldn't be fair to the child.

Look children come with their own needs and personalities. You can shape some of it. But I have one child who is calm and shy and super clumsy and forgetful and a very messy eater. And then I have louder child who is full of energy who is full of life and gives big sloppy kisses but can also be louder and occasionally screechy. Now I do tell them off sometimes and I am quite a strict parent but they are also who they are. The reason PPs have said your child would be miserable is if that list does make you genuinely ill then this poor child will spend their life trying to suppress who they are to please you. Children are loud, chaotic and joyful. And even the introverted ones (I have one of those) will sometimes eat crisps loudly, shout for no reason, whine. That’s human life.

It depends how much this stuff is going to stress you out. If it’s OCD or something else diagnosable or is a significant problem for you, it’s definitely worth serious consideration but I still wouldn’t rule it out.
If you have insight (which you seem to because you’re considering this before you make a decision), good support and, importantly, motivation.
Do you want to change these things about yourself? It’s not enough to acknowledge that these things would be difficult/ unpleasant for you to deal with, you have to be committed to making every effort to put the needs of your child first and accept that a big part of your role will be dealing with these things (and more which you won’t be able to anticipate). You would have to learn to be flexible.
Kids get sick a lot. They develop control over their bodily functions slowly. And they need you to care for them in a patient, loving way. There’s obviously a lot to being a parent besides nappies and cleaning up vomit etc but I’m not going to lie, it’s a big part of it especially at the beginning.
Also, I hesitate to say it, but what you’ve described is the tip of the iceberg. Mucus bulbs, taking temperatures rectally, suppositories, dressing wounds/ burns, head lice, threadworms…the list goes on and that’s the every day stuff.