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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting???

40 replies

RRDex · 26/08/2022 13:09

My friend has been through it lately - husband cheated. she moved back down south and was living with her brother and his family with her 3 kids for the last month.
I went on holiday with my family and offered for her to stay in our house while we were away. Give them some time alone ,some space etc.

We got home last night and although she said she cleaned the bathrooms and hoovered i am having to go through and reclean everything and there is piss on the seats. Dirt on the carpets etc.
Finding rubbish under the beds and sofas.
Games left all over the floor. Toys in the wrong rooms.
One of my daughters didnt want anyone in her room but am sure someone was in there.
She has eaten and drunk so much of our food and only left £50 to cover it.
There are at least 7 big decent loo rolls missing - they were only here 5 days/nights.
Tumble dryer has been used loads.
There are chips on the recently painted staircase hand rail.
Toys left out in the garden shed.
We have two large fish tanks and i asked her to feed the fish which she did but the behaviour of the fish would suggest they have been stressed and scared - we did tell her no banging on the glass etc.

We left at 3.30am but before we left i stripped all the beds and left sheets and new towels out for them.
We returned home at 11pm and although she had stripped the beds nothing was remade so had to remake the beds for kids to be able to go to bed.

She knows my home is my safe place - she knows all the shit and terrible life i have had and how much time and money i have put into this house to make it just right for us.
I feel a totally taken advantage of and disrespected.
I dunno where this leaves our friendship.

Am i being over the top?

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 13:12

How do you know how much the tumble dryer has been used?

MayISuggestSomeThickCutSteakChipsToGoWithThat · 26/08/2022 13:13

No she's a CF who's pretty much just chucked your kindness back in your face. I wonder if she's treat her Brothers house the same!

Original poster
RRDex · 26/08/2022 13:14

Because there is loads of fluff in the drawer collector thingy - i clean it out loads and cleaned it before i went.
To get that much fluff you have to use it many times

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2022 13:14

I'd be telling her exactly what a shit she is.

Mamamia7962 · 26/08/2022 13:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable. People have different standards though when it comes to house cleaning. Just learn from it and don't let anyone stay in your house whilst you are away again. At least she left you £50, so that's something.

Backtobacknow · 26/08/2022 13:16

What a complete let down your friend was! What is her own home like, clean, messy?

GreenManalishi · 26/08/2022 13:20

It depends how much you value your friendship. If you've been good until now then you can just chalk it up to experience and not lend her your house, or car, or dress in future as you know she won't look after it like you expect her to. The £50 will go towards the loo roll and power for the dryer, and if you hadn't discussed payment beforehand you can't really blow into her for more now.

Re putting toys back in the right places, with the best will in the world that's going to be hard if you don't know where they came from. Re the clean bathroom, she might have done it then someones' peed on the seat as they were about to leave, give her the benefit of the doubt and save your friendship if it's important to you. Three kids and mid divorce with no home of your own doesn't leave you with much brain space for finding duvet covers. It was a kind gesture, and I'm sure she appreciates your offer.

Chdjdn · 26/08/2022 13:23

I think that would be a friendship over for me; it would take a lot for me to trust someone in my home and if that trust was broken through disrespecting my home then I wouldn’t want them to be my friend any more

GoneWithTheWine1 · 26/08/2022 13:25

I wouldn't be friends with her anymore, surely she could afford more than £50 if she has no bills/rent to pay? What a user.

Original poster
RRDex · 26/08/2022 13:40

It was all 3 loos not just 1.

I myself have been through a nasty divorce while also being disowned by my mother and rest of my family and i have 3 children.

But i cant imagine i would ever leave such a mess.

OP posts:
Orangello · 26/08/2022 13:49

What does her own house look like? I have a good friend who dogsits for us and I already know I need to book a cleaner before we get back home. But he is definitely not intentionally taking the piss, just different standards.

Peashoots · 26/08/2022 13:57

I think some of the things you’re being nit picky (the fish behaviour?? And tumble drier) but in fairness that’s probably due to the shitty state she’s left your home in. Totally not in. I’d send her a message, nothing confrontational but along the lines of “I feel really let down. I would never disrespect your home like that”

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 13:59

RRDex · 26/08/2022 13:14

Because there is loads of fluff in the drawer collector thingy - i clean it out loads and cleaned it before i went.
To get that much fluff you have to use it many times

I see thanks. I don't have one so didn't know about the fluff collector.

I think she's been a bit cheeky but maybe she was unwell hence the loo roll and dryer usage.

Original poster
RRDex · 26/08/2022 14:02

Peashoots - with elec prices as they are do you not think using someone elses tumble dryer loads in a 5 day period is a bit off?

Do you not think stressing the fish is off?

OP posts:
Original poster
RRDex · 26/08/2022 14:02

Chillipenguin - she wasnt unwell. we were in contact by text while i was away.

OP posts:
pictish · 26/08/2022 14:05

Just don’t offer for anyone to use your house in future.

GreenManalishi · 26/08/2022 14:05

It depends on what you want out of the situation. Do you want an apology, will that fix it so you can continue your friendship as before? Or is this not something you can forgive, because if not then just leave it be. You've learned something about her, hoover the floor and move on with that in mind.

PurpleMarie · 26/08/2022 14:06

You are extremely picky (which is fine I guess) and so clearly aren’t made to allow people to stay in your house. If you’re counting your loo roll, and monitoring your dryer, do yourself and your remaining friends a favor and just don’t offer invites like this again in the future.

PurpleMarie · 26/08/2022 14:07

RRDex · 26/08/2022 14:02

Chillipenguin - she wasnt unwell. we were in contact by text while i was away.

She probably wouldn’t have told you via text while you’re on holiday if she had the shits

Peashoots · 26/08/2022 14:10

I just don’t believe that the fish are obviously traumatised, I think you’re reading too much into fish behaviour.
the tumble dried, again, you can’t be sure how much she’s used it. Ask her for some money for electric if you’re bothered.
the other stuff I agree with; she should have left the house in the condition she found it or better.

Redsharks · 26/08/2022 14:11

I don't personally think you're being OTT, I would be so annoyed, but because I wouldn't leave someone's home like that. Hell i strip the beds of a hotel room/ always clear away rubbish after myself. I once had a friend stay with me for 6 months as her mum had thrown her out and she was still home saving for mortgage (we were mid 20s at the time). In that time she stayed we didn't eve discuss money however as her moving out approached her sister said in front of us both- "sister, how much are you paying RedSharks for the stay" and so friend said, "oh, I hadn't thought of it, how much do you want RedSharks". I said, "just leave an envelope with whatever you think is fair (I was on holiday her last week at mine). On my return I saw an envelope on my table and so checked it; it was empty. Additionally my house was a trash and she'd scratched my front door dragging out cases in the move. I confronted her, she disagreed entirely with my annoyance and we agreed to disagree; to the day I eventually un-friended her (huge argument about our friendship) she swore blind i was being precious and OTT.

My point is, I think we've both learned the hard way. I don't regret confronting my friend; I do regret continuing our friendship for an extra 2 years of her continuing to take the actual piss granted out of me.

mamabear715 · 26/08/2022 14:12

@PurpleMarie PICKY? OP's house sounds like a TIP, I'd be distraught, although I'm not as kind a person & wouldn't have offered in the first place.. I'm SO sorry, @RRDex , coming home & not even the beds made up.. I don't know, tbh, whether I could bring myself to speak to her again.
(Home is defo my safe place too.)
Huge hugs to you & your kids, as I'm damn sure even if they are young, they will defo have noticed. :-(

Katsufatsu · 26/08/2022 14:13

It was a very kind gesture but I do think you need to be more realistic about what to expect from guests. When I used to flat share, I always did the bulk of the housework because my standards were much higher than most peoples (not their fault). I would be a bit more forgiving about the situation and just count it as a lesson learnt. Maybe you can't host when you're not there (I don't unless I've lived with the person before and know what to expect).

Original poster
RRDex · 26/08/2022 14:15

Wow Redsharks sorry you went through that!

Purplemarie - yeah maybe i am picky but my home is my one safe place after a life of trauma.
I thought i could trust her to treat my home with respect.
I am not someone who invites many people to my home at all but i thought that as she was such a good friend and she was going through a tough time i would do a good, kind thing and help her out.
I guess once again i read a person wrong

OP posts:
Thornethorn · 26/08/2022 14:17

You don't sound very realistic. I think you made a mistake making the offer and she probably thinks she has done her bit, not realizing how ott you are.