Is it unusual for young children to have strong relationships with grandparents?

[bluebottle1]

I saw a post last night on Facebook from a parenting/baby group I'm in, not something I engage with but I was interested to read this one. There was a post from a SAHM with a partner with who away and the post said that the in laws had offered to have her 2 year old daughter to allow her to have some time to herself. In the post she said she didn't have children for her to palm them off on other people to look after them and it was her job to look after the child 24/7 no matter if some days are a bit tough. There was hundreds of comments saying that they all agreed with this and that they had also never spent anytime away from their children and they had never stayed with grandparents or spent much time with them. Majority of it was related to children 1-4 rather than young babies. Apparently this is modern parenting and young children only need there mum, dad and a few friends. There was only one comment I read amongst the hundreds that suggested it might be a good idea to get the child looked after in preparation for nursery.

I also have a partner who works away and by Friday I definitely need a break and hand DS over to DP to do the majority of parenting over the weekend. I think I would burn out otherwise. I'm due back to work next week after maternity leave and my almost 11 month old will be spending 2 days a week with my parents or DP's mum when she is off work.M, the other day he will be with a childminder. I don't have the best relationship with MIL but she is a good grandparent. Is this really uncommon now? Do your children spend much time with grandparents? Obviously this question is for those who have reasonable parents/in-laws not those who are totally in-interested in there grandchildren. I was thinking about it last night and I don't know why but seeing the hundreds of comments has now got me feeling guilty almost as if this is totally unusual and that I shouldn't feel like I need a break. I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents growing up so wouldn't prevent my son from having the same. Don't get me wrong DS has never had a night away from us and we don't plan on that anytime soon but for a few hours I didn't think there was an issue.

Don't forget peoples views change to make themselves feel better

It's seen on here too

Posters with no support saying they don't want their kids looked after by anyone else, makes them feel better about not having that option for a wide variety of reasons.

My kids spend a lot of time with their grand parents, and it's benefitted them greatly, benefitted me having a strong bond with my grandparents growing up too.

Mine have stayed overnight with my mum since they were 5/6 weeks old, weeks away with them from 10 months. Now our eldest is in school she will be spend 2 weeks at a time with various grand parents during the summer holidays too.

Do not feel guilty! The people on the Facebook page are bat shit. I am lucky to have my parents, my iLs are no longer with us. My dc have a fantastic relationship with their gp. It is beneficial to all of us.

My kids grandparents were very hands on and very involved from day 1. Our kids have stayed with them, and have a very close relationship with them. I think it’s wonderfully that they have such good relationships with an older generation and the kids really have brought joy to their grandparents.
can’t wait til I’m a grandparent! It looks waaayyy more fun than being a parent.

In the post she said she didn't have children for her to palm them off on other people to look after them and it was her job to look after the child 24/7 no matter if some days are a bit tough.

What a silly woman. But I guess if she wants to cut her nose of to spite her face that's her business.

Sorry for the typos! I really should of read it back before posting.

It’s each to their own. Grandparents are about childcare (not all the time anyway). Mine love spending time with their grandparents and my god I welcome the break! Why struggle on when there is an offer of help?
don’t feel guilty OP - half of them will be talking nonsense

It takes a village, and all that. I can easily see how lack of support would lead to an increased risk of parents struggling. No reason why we shouldn't lean on others for support.

Not an issue at all if it works for you - I think it is mainly/only the problemmatic arrangements that get posted about on here.
I have a close relationship with all my grandchildren and have supported with regular childcare/after school pick ups, baby sitting and sleepovers, including regular activities/short stays with my disabled GD. I think the key is good communication and not pushing boundaries - I have always offered but never 'demanded' to have them and never feel obliged to say yes if I am asked, though I am happy to help when I can. Grandchildren bring so much pleasure.

My two eldest (10 and 8) are on holiday with their beloved (and super amazing, generous) grandparents right now for a whole week in Devon. The kids love it, the grandparents offered ( and honestly seem to want to take them) and everyone’s happy with the situation. I wouldn’t have been completely comfortable with them taking the 18 month old atm, as I think she’s a bit young for a whole week ( and a lot of extra work for them, still night waking and nappies and she might miss me) but a day/ night here for her too when they’re home is very appreciated! They have a lovely relationship with their grand kids and I know how lucky we all are. I’m not palming them off on them- I’m sharing the love! (And I’m not a martyr, I want a break sometimes too!)

My 3 year old has a great relationship with both grandparents. My MIL is amazing and frequently looks after my little terror angel, travelling 3 hours in the car to come and stay, and it's a blessed relief😅So YABU, don't feel guilty at all - all kids are different, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with finding it exhausting and needing a break.

It’s going to absolutely depend on the grandparents.

We don’t have any help, so it’s not something I think about often; they don’t like meeting up with him there and wouldn’t consider childcare. They’ve never fed him or changed a nappy or anything, not that I’d expect them to, but they’ve never had an interest.

Anecdotally from my baby group, of the 8 of us, one spends two days a week with granny, one has occasional childcare for weddings etc, the rest don’t have regular childcare. About half meet up with grandparents every few weeks but don’t leave the children.

I think it’s more unusual for grandparents to provide childcare these days because they tend to stick to how they did things, which can be drastically different to current childcare advice, but that’s probably a reflection on the fairly affluent area we live in. If you had no choice for childcare, I guess you’d have to cope with it - although I grew up in a working class area and grandparents still worked, so couldn’t do childcare then either.

I'm guessing the people posting in that group were into 'attachment parenting', where the idea is that the mother (because it pretty is always the mother and not the father) is pretty much always close to the child. The man (because of course it was a man) who coined the term admits that can be incredibly difficult and exhausting for mothers because they never get a break but that they should stick to it at all costs and 'see a psychotherapist' if necessary.

Everyone is different, and if people just aren't comfortable with spending time away from their children when they're little, that is absolutely fine - I think there are lots of mums who don't like the idea of babies/toddlers staying away overnight, and that's fine, it's a totally personal thing. But equally it's totally normal for small children to stay with grandparents sometimes and have a really close relationship with them and it's very normal for parents to want a break from their kids.

Basically, do what feels right for you and don't listen to people who just like making other mums feel shit for doing it differently to them.

I don't have kids but I have an acquaintance who would absolutely post the kind of thing you describe on Facebook - she constantly shares stuff about how the way she chose to parent her child is the best way and that anything else is harmful. Baby-wearing, co-sleeping, never being apart, not having anyone else look after the baby, no telling off a toddler for misbehaving, always responding immediately to any cry/whinge, breastfeeding until the child wants to stop even if that means breastfeeding an eight-year-old, etc. All that is fine, if that's what works for her, great - but she has lost A LOT of friends by constantly telling them that her way is best and their way is bad for their children.

People move around more for work etc now so it’s less common to live close to grandparents. I suppose if you or your child is inclined to be a bit anxious you might be resistant to being separated.

My DD is cared for by MIL three days per week and FIL often works from home or comes home at lunch time to see her. Don’t feel guilty! If your child wasn’t with their grandparents they would be at group childcare. A loving grandparent provides much more individual attention than paid childcare.

My kids spend a lot of time with their grandparents and I am so glad I made sure they were used to staying with them from a very young age (10 months or so). Being able to leave my kids with someone they love spending time with and who genuinely loves them makes parenting so much easier. My children don't go on holiday with their grandparents or have sleepovers because I feel it would be too much for them (the grandparents), but being able to hand them over for an afternoon is fantastic.
I spent a lot of time with my paternal grandmother and was very close to her. I am glad I was allowed to develop a close relationship with her that didn't include my parents.

Not normal in my family, no. We have a history of grandparents almost co-parenting. It's worked well for us over 3 generations. That's maternal grandparenting though. I'm not expecting the same with DSs children as obviously their mother will have her views. The support will be offered, but no offence taken if declined and a relationship built that hopefully everyone is happy with.

I don't have grandchildren yet but all my friends who are have their GC overnight on a regular basis. I'd be very hurt as a GP if my children wouldn't let me have the GC on occasion.

Those who say it is wrong are either determined to be martyrs or as PP suggested are trying to make themselves feel better about not having this option.

I know someone who would never use a baby sitter and said you shouldn't have children if you can't wait until they are teenagers to have a night out as a couple . I kid you not. But I think that was a way of masking that her DH never wanted to go anywhere with her, and still doesn't now her children are grown up.

I find that really sad. I have several grandkids and have 1, 2 more or all of them most weekends. I also take them to various clubs every Saturday and I see them several times a week. I also take them all away for a week in the summer for a bucket and spade, caravan, seaside holiday.

Both sets also have v close relationships with their other grandparents too. As a result, I have a really close bond with mine and I wouldn't have it any other way. Luckily their parents are more than happy to hand them over!

In the post she said she didn't have children for her to palm them off on other people to look after them and it was her job to look after the child 24/7 no matter if some days are a bit tough. that sounds fairly judgemental to me the "palm them off". She should have more awareness that her way isn't the only way.

Anyway yes my little one loves seeing their grandparents.

I will happily throw my DC at anyone who will have them for a bit - grandparents, our neighbours' older girls who have a soft spot for DC, a very nice dad we met at soft play who offered to keep an eye on DC when heavily pregnant me almost got stuck in the rollers! So maybe not the best person to comment.

Children are all different and I certainly wouldn't force a shy or unconfident child to spend time away from me just because I wanted a break or anything like that. But I do see part of my role as a parent being to help my child learn to make new connections and navigate new situations, and that includes them spending appropriate time away from me. And the reality of life of course is that many parents have to work and so a large proportion of children will have to spend time away from their parents in appropriate childcare - whether schools, nursery, grandparents and other family, afterschool clubs or holiday camps. Having children who are content, if not happy, in these situations because they are used to some time away from their parents, makes life a lot easier.

We are in the same group.

I commented to say she's not a bad mum but other mums who do have help (either while they work or as a break) aren't bad mums either and everyone should live and let live

We had fuck all support from family when DC were little, I had 4 under 6, all who were later diagnosed with SN. Yes they went to nursery at 18 months - I needed 7 hours a day once a week without a child screaming at me. I remember the GP commenting on it but she wasn't up all night with ADHD toddlers and then dealing the the foilbles of ASD toddlers during the day. Put me off seeing her ever again. Anyone who had actually met the DC thought it was a grand idea

I believe children gain massively from a wider group of people in their lives. It's really good for them to experience different households where they can be loved and cared for. My MIL does not (grand)parent in the way I do, but that doesn't mean it will be harmful if on the occasions she looks after them that things are slightly different than at home. Adapting is a great life skill to learn. My kids know that at one family members house the parameters around treats, behaviour and expectations may be a bit different but that each of these people love them and want to take care of them. And of course, I enjoy the break now and then. I don't think that makes me a bad parent.
It's a shame when people don't have family close enough to help out now and then. It is modern life and often can't be helped.

I'd say it's more unusual to be like the women in that post.. I don't have kids but when I was a kid I spent loads of time with my grandparents, and I loved it!! There's that cartoon called grandpa about the little girl spending days with her grandpa, so cute. Besides, nowadays more mums work than they used to so grandparents probably have a more active role than ever

There’s not one ‘normal’, just different family circumstances. I’m not sure why people feel they have to be so defensive of their own choices or situation.. unless they feel insecure?

My son has an amazing relationship with his Nan.
his other grandparents not so much because he sees them maybe once a month.
he’s happy to be with her for a day and if we go a few days without seeing her he asks for her. He’s 2.
i had a brilliant relationship with my nan and still call her nanny 😂 I used to stop over regularly on weekends when mom was at work and sometimes because I wanted to.