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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it unusual for young children to have strong relationships with grandparents?

66 replies

bluebottle1 · 26/08/2022 10:14

I saw a post last night on Facebook from a parenting/baby group I'm in, not something I engage with but I was interested to read this one. There was a post from a SAHM with a partner with who away and the post said that the in laws had offered to have her 2 year old daughter to allow her to have some time to herself. In the post she said she didn't have children for her to palm them off on other people to look after them and it was her job to look after the child 24/7 no matter if some days are a bit tough. There was hundreds of comments saying that they all agreed with this and that they had also never spent anytime away from their children and they had never stayed with grandparents or spent much time with them. Majority of it was related to children 1-4 rather than young babies. Apparently this is modern parenting and young children only need there mum, dad and a few friends. There was only one comment I read amongst the hundreds that suggested it might be a good idea to get the child looked after in preparation for nursery.

I also have a partner who works away and by Friday I definitely need a break and hand DS over to DP to do the majority of parenting over the weekend. I think I would burn out otherwise. I'm due back to work next week after maternity leave and my almost 11 month old will be spending 2 days a week with my parents or DP's mum when she is off work.M, the other day he will be with a childminder. I don't have the best relationship with MIL but she is a good grandparent. Is this really uncommon now? Do your children spend much time with grandparents? Obviously this question is for those who have reasonable parents/in-laws not those who are totally in-interested in there grandchildren. I was thinking about it last night and I don't know why but seeing the hundreds of comments has now got me feeling guilty almost as if this is totally unusual and that I shouldn't feel like I need a break. I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents growing up so wouldn't prevent my son from having the same. Don't get me wrong DS has never had a night away from us and we don't plan on that anytime soon but for a few hours I didn't think there was an issue.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 26/08/2022 12:05

I spent lots of time at my grans when I was young, my kids were very close to my mother and 4 of my 6 GC are very close to me, spend lots of time here and one lives with me. If circumstances allow I think a GP/GC relationship is a very valuable thing, obviously it isn't always possible and that is OK as well.

StaunchMomma · 26/08/2022 12:16

Unfortunately lots of us have parents who are still working and there's no way I'd allow them to use their only time off to look after grandkids.

I spent most weekends at my Nan & Grandad's as a kid and absolutely loved it but my Nan was a SAHM and didn't work from the time of having her first child. My Mum only gets Sundays off and she needs it to chill and do chores.

My friends' kids who stay with grandparents only do so if they are retired, really.

UWhatNow · 26/08/2022 12:24

We made sure our children had a great bond with their grandparents and I think it’s a bit of an own goal for parents to restrict that. Children bloom and thrive around the love and attention of extended family. Why would you want to stunt that by never letting grandparents spend one-to-one time with your kids? And the bonus is that you get must needed respite even if it’s only an hour to yourself or time to do the big shop in peace? Seems a backward or thick philosophy to me. Or trying to cover up for poor family relationships?

BaileySharp · 26/08/2022 12:30

DD loves going to her grandparents. They do some childcare for me abd she even sleeps over sometimes. I even have had family babysit when she was a very young baby! I think some people get a bit weirdly self sacrificial on this. It's takes a village and I'm happy for my family to help out. She has a wonderful bond with them as a result. How could it be bad?

hummerbird · 26/08/2022 12:50

We all enjoyed that both GP from both sides were willing to have our darlings.
They had a different life. We lived in a large village so nearly always in the car.
My DPs lived in a small city and were taken into town on the bus. Were able to go on buses by themselves when old enough. Shopping was partly a market whereas we went to local sop or Superstore.
These sound small but when 3 or 4 a big green bus is an adventure.
As they say "it takes the village".

Dilbertian · 26/08/2022 12:58

Maybe this attitude reflects peoples relationships with their own parents/grandparents.

My parents emigrated, so we grew up 1000s of miles from our grandparents and extended family. Nonetheless, one set were as involved as possible in our childhoods and my parents did not hesitate to let us stay with them whenever possible. But there was a big difference between the two sets of grandparents, one set being far more hands-on and welcoming than the other. And the child of the more distant grandparents was much closer to their in-laws than to their parents.

Children thrive on having lots of people to love, cherish and safeguard them.

Fe345fleur · 26/08/2022 13:02

I really wish my DD had more GPs and other family to spend time with. Not necessary for help with childcare, more that it would be good for her development. My DSD is a very well rounded kid and I think some of that is from spending time in a big loving family, with GPs, aunts, cousins etc. She is comfortable with and can relate to different types of people.

Dilbertian · 26/08/2022 13:04

So, my parents will have their dgc pretty much any time. I know they'll be spoilt rotten and experience things I may not give them.

My ILs OTOH have babysat twice in over 20y, and the first time a grandchild stayed over night without us was ds when he was at uni.

My dh was confused by my parents' willingness, even eagerness, to help out, just as I am confused by my ILs cool detachment.

Celia24 · 26/08/2022 13:09

I had a very close relationship with my grandparents. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother relied on them while she worked.

I went to their house after school until I was 12.

To be honest when my grandad died it was like losing another father in a way.

mdh2020 · 26/08/2022 13:09

DD stayed with my parents overnight once she slept through at about 6 months. I’m afraid I was always happy to leave them with their grandparents and when they were a little older we did lots of sleepovers. I think children need relationships with other adults. DS and I are extremely close and I have great, strong bonds with GC

Jayne35 · 26/08/2022 13:20

My Mum first had DD overnight when she was 2 weeks old, and she stayed regularly with my parents as a child. Mum is now a widow and she and DD (who is 25) are like best friends, when we go away they share a room and regularly spend time together. I don't feel that it has hurt my relationship with DD in any way.

greenvelvetcouch · 26/08/2022 13:33

To be honest I only know one person who has lots of help from their parents with their child, because they still live in the same village we grew up in and so does her parents. All my friends and family with young children live at least an hour away from their parents/in-laws so don’t have regular childcare. Obviously some see grandparents for visits more than others and I don’t think physical proximity is a barrier to children having close relationships with grandparents (from my own experience.)

I often wonder if it’s a class/education level identifier these days - if you move away from home for uni and never go back because you get graduate jobs in cities and stay there for at least the early child rearing years, you don’t have grandparent support. Most of my friends and peers are in this group and in the same situation as us. I love it though, wouldn’t want to raise my child with our extended families all on the same street.

Mommabear20 · 26/08/2022 13:47

Personally, I think it is mine or DH responsibility to look after DC 24/7, and we cringe when we have to ask for childcare (medical appointments etc) BUT if GP want and ask to have them, fine by me! I love that my DC have a good strong relationship with their GP! There's a big difference between taking responsibility and being controlling IMO.

Lcb123 · 26/08/2022 13:48

Depends totally on the children/parents/grandparents, and other factors like how close grandparents live, but I honestly think it's so nice if care can be shared, if it works well for everyone! Mum having a break will surely benefit the child as they will be rested and energised when the child comes back

Cinnamonandcoal · 26/08/2022 14:10

My daughter is spending this week with my parents in law and my son will be staying with my parents tonight.

What's not to like?!

OnaBegonia · 26/08/2022 14:16

Only on MN have I come across these parents who never slow their kids to stay with family and won't leave a 16yr old alone for an hour.

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