DH started vaping

[KazMa]

Hello,

Bit of background - my DH was a social smoker (although very rarely smoked, maybe few times a year).

Recently he ordered a vape after trying a friends one and said he’ll only use it when he’s had a stressful day at work. Once it arrived though, he started using it every single day, even on weekends (when relaxing/nothing stressful going on). I got annoyed at him and said I’d rather him not do it on weekends/when we go out as a family as I don’t want our child growing up seeing this! Also, why get addicted to nicotine, why couldn’t he get a zero nicotine vape if he likes the flavour! I’ve also asked him not to do it in the house, but I caught him vaping in our bedroom just before I was bringing baby up to sleep there 🙄

AIBU to be annoyed with him and want him to compromise a bit by vaping a zero nicotine vape outside and not on weekends/family days out?

@KazMa I can can see why it would be annoying, if it’s any reassurance the negative health impact of vapes, even with nicotine, appears to be relatively small from the initial evidence. It’s nowhere near as bad as smoking. Nicotine is addictive but not all that harmful itself, it is potentially protective against Parkinson’s disease and may have an antidepressant effect (nicotine, without tobacco).

From what you’ve said, it sounds like a classic case of self medicating see this study which shows vapers have higher odds of having a history of depression Vapers and depression , tempting as it is to shame him for it, there’s a chance it’s a less stigmatised way of treating an underlying mood disorder, so maybe be gentle. It’s not your job to figure this out of course, but just be aware that something, maybe depression, maybe hormonal changes if he’s around middle age, maybe situational anxiety if there are money concerns sickness in the family etc. could be triggering the dependence.

Well, he left both his vapes at home and even showed me he’s leaving them. But whilst away (uk break) he went out in the evening to fill the car with petrol and he bought one and used it (I only found out when we came home from holiday). He tells me he’s not addicted but he couldn’t even go 3 days without it

He bought it to relieve work stress and says it’ll help with anxiety. But I don’t understand why he needs to do it when relaxing on holiday…

The self righteous controlling mob are out I see.

The man is an adult, vaping is legal, it is not tobacco, the NHS uses it as a smoking cessation tool, it is not the worst thing anyone can do.

Just use it outside or when away from you and the family. Do you supervise everything he does? He will probably go anyway if nagged to death. Then he can vape to his heart's content.

It’s a ridiculous thing to take up as an adult.
I’d be asking him to grow up, he’s not Year 11!

I know it’s not the worst thing he could do, and I don’t see it as controlling. I’m not saying he cannot vape at all - I just want him to opt for the zero nicotine vapes and do it outside.

I assume you smoke or vape..

I vape, and bloody love it. I dont vape the sweet ones, or the elf bars, i have a small electronic vape with mentol liquid, it doesnt smell at all but i know the sweet ones really do.

Anyways, hes an adult and im afraid clamping down will just mean he does it in secret. My DH doesnt vape, but he drinks socially, i dont.....does that mean i should impose restrictions like dont come home drunk when we have children in the house etc etc.

Do you know the strength of the vape liquid? If he’s using higher strength liquid he won’t be doing himself any favours. Also, a watched kettle never boils - if you keep mentioning it, he’ll probably do it more.

Agree with this.
I couldn’t give less of a shit if a partner smoked, vaped or drank. As long as it wasn’t using my money. Children see worse things, and we live in polluted air. So much judgmental posting on here. More tolerance would be a good example for children…and the rest of us.

Why is it so funny? I don't want to be with someone who is addicted to a drug that they weren't addicted to when I met them. A drug that my children would see him using, and would probably copy in time. And expensive drug too. And as I said, anyone who takes up vaping as an adult, when they weren't already a smoker, is a total idiot. And I don't want to spend my life with an idiot.
People's personalities change - they become alcoholics, religious fanatics, conspiracy theorists - and they don't necessarily start compatible with the person they married.

@KazMa yeah I see what you mean, but one of the classic signs of generalised anxiety or depression is that you feel it even when there’s no trigger or when you would usually be relaxed.

Nicotine is addictive, which means he’s building a tolerance so he needs more and more to get the original effect. It’s a bit like the way people don’t tend to start off drinking 8 cups of coffee a day but some people end up there, and they may be jittery but they are not bouncing off the walls the way someone new to coffee would be on that dose.

I see you mentioned up thread that another poster is probably a smoker or vaper, so just to clarify I don’t smoke, or vape, I do spend a fair amount of time looking at the evidence around these sorts of things and how they intersect with physical and mental health outcomes. I can see how it’s frustrating, and it’s definitely not without some negative health consequences, but I would encourage you not to see this as a wholly voluntary behaviour and not to think of it as on the same level of harm as smoking. Because of that, you may be repeatedly pleading with him to do something he feels incapable of doing, with the strict limits you want to put on the behaviour it might feel like a punishment to him. Do you otherwise have a good relationship beyond this issue?

Everyone has the right to drink excessively, smoke, vape, smoke weed, gamble, inject heroin, whatever. I have the right to not be involved with those people. And I have a moral right to keep my kids away from things that I deem harmful.
Anyone defending the use of cigarettes or vapes near children is clearly a smoker/vaper themselves, who isn't fussed if their kids do the same.
It sounds as if OP is fussed.

Why is it so funny? I don't want to be with someone who is addicted to a drug that they weren't addicted to when I met them

As I said later on, if you'd split up with someone for vaping the relationship was already fucked. The OP isn't insinuating she'd do this anyway.

Would he consider a CBD vape instead? Relieves anxiety in the sane way but non-addictive.

So my take is, that he was more than a social smoker, especially if you've been finding packets of cigs tucked away. He has just transferred over to vaping, this is instead of the cigarettes he used to smoke I reckon. He feels it's the lesser of two evils, while you feel it's the original sin!

That's just not true.
It's about having standards and boundaries. Sadly many people don't have them, which is why we constantly read on MN about people living in abusive dangerous situations.
A good relationship can be turned into a bad relationship but one thing - be it an affair, an addiction, an act of violence. It's wrong to say that if you walk away after the first bad thing, then the relationship was already doomed . It just means you have a line and they crossed it.

BY one thing, not BUT one thing

Fair enough, avoid it so. Keep your kids away from the traffic while you are at it, , they might breathe in exhaust fumes, there's absolutely no escaping from that while getting from A to B. I do realise that cars etc. are often a necessity and vaping is not. But the big difference is that one can avoid vaping fumes, whereas unless you are on top of a mountain, you cannot escape greenhouse gases etc. Just saying.

And for those interested I do not smoke, vape or drink alcohol and I polish my halo diligently every day also for being so perfect.

I vape, definitely more than I should. I was a smoker but I vape more than I smoked. It's more accessible. And smells better.

I have a son, I do not vape in front of him because I don't want to normalise it. DH has switched from smoking to vaping and he follows the same decisions I made. So that part would annoy me. However it's not the worst thing in the world to vape and if you can have some discussions around what's appropriate in front of the little ones that you're both ok with that would probably save any upset.

@Sarahcoggles it is pretty funny, there’s scarcely a relationship misstep in existence that someone one on MN won’t tell you to leave the bastard for eventually.

Sure there are all sorts of things that probably should lead to a split asap, but nicotine dependency (outside of smoking, which I do understand why people get very upset by) is possibly not on its own a good enough reason to break your wedding vows. They might not actually be a total idiot, they may just be someone who made a mistake or someone who has found an unhelpful way to cope with a bigger problem.

My husband did the same. Was a smoker but only a smoked a few a day and rarely in front of me, now he vapes and he never puts the thing down! It’s the first thing he does in the morning. He doesn’t do it in the house anymore.

He is Correct
You are controlling .

Many of you are though if the replies to this are anything to go by .
First you drove smokers from pubs etc (though I was a smoker I didn't think it a bad thing personally) and now you want to stop them Vaping too ? In the open air ??
No pleasing some is there

As for the PO who hates walking through vape "smoke". Least its not regular smoke, Precious .

I’d split from DH and he would split from me if we started smoking. We’ve both never smoked but both hate the idea of it. I’m not sure if I’d leave DH for vaping but I don’t see the harm in asking him to compromise and smoke a lower percentage and not around the children

For everyone saying it’s controlling everyone has boundaries and different turn ons and offs. I’m sure there’s things I do or look like that people wouldn’t want to date me for and that’s fine and doesn’t make them controlling!

I am sure the man is clever enough to buy a bottle of 0% vape juice and refill it surreptitiously with a higher %. Not fkn rocket science. But as an adult, to have to creep around like that would make ME leave and to hell with the holier than thou folk deciding what I should or shouldn't do.

I had someone around the other day who was aghast at me eating a (wait for it), Full Fat Greek yogurt. Aghast I tell you, should be low fat blah blah blah. I opened a second one and put a Cadbury flake on top while this harridan was there. I am an adult you see and it was NOT impacting on her whatsoever. Same with the vapers outdoors.

I don’t see how it’s controlling? I’m letting him vape - I haven’t given him an ultimatum and said he cannot vape at all. But when you are married sometimes you have to compromise, right?

I just requested zero nicotine so he doesn’t get addicted and increase the amount he vapes, and not to do it around us when we go out.