To realise im bloody gay at 42 even though im married?

[OhDearLordWTF]

I can’t believe this
Surely you can’t just be gay this late in life

I’m getting quite annoyed reading people saying “it took counselling to realise you were gay after a 6month relationship with a woman”

Guess what, bisexuality exists independent of lesbianism. Maybe OP needed
to work out whether she was bisexual, just
curious and needing excitement and change or indeed gay. These kind of realisations don’t come out of thin air in middle age, sometimes the complexities need worked through to understand yourself.

I think too many people here are being unfair to OP. When did a man’s need to keep face and not be hurt trump a woman’s need to get out of a marriage she doesn’t want to be in to be honest with themselves about their orientation?

The affair is almost irrelevant here other than as a confirmatory example of OP knowing what she wants now.

fwiw OP I knew a guy in his mid 60s who came out as gay after his wife of 35 years died. His son is also gay but has repressed it and married a woman and had a child with her too. Sometimes families normalise repressing this kind of thing, even today.

@alpenguin I think too many people here are being unfair to OP. When did a man’s need to keep face and not be hurt trump a woman’s need to get out of a marriage she doesn’t want to be in to be honest with themselves about their orientation?

Who has said this though? That OP should stay so the DH isn't hurt? I think the magority are saying leave, be what you want, and let him find happiness.

No edit on this thing. Should read ‘of course I don’t shut my ears’

Freudian slip there I think…
you can’t force feelings. It would be nice if you loved your spouse forever. If you don’t, you can’t force it and the lack of love will be picked up on by the children.

@capedavenger She’s not expendingvjer energy on figuring out her label. She has said in her title and her posts she is gay. It’s other people who are questioning that, asking how she didn’t realise before, or telling her that she doesn’t need a label.

Maybe OP’s label will change at some point, that’s fine, but right now she has identified as gay and it’s not for anybody else to question if it’s the right label or if she needs one at all. In fact it’s taking away from the issue at hand which is about her marriage and her kids.

*expending her

Plus historically speaking, many of these 'wonderful' life-long happy marriages involved the man out doing what he pleased while the women were stuck at home raising the children, trapped by the social stigma of shame to 'break up a marriage for your own happiness', be a divorced mother, or indeed an unmarried mother.

Plus historically speaking, many of these 'wonderful' life-long happy marriages involved the man out doing what he pleased while the women were stuck at home raising the children, trapped by the social stigma of shame to 'break up a marriage for your own happiness', be a divorced mother, or indeed an unmarried mother.

yep yep, many women were utterly miserable in their marriages. The idea that it causes kids irreparable harm is used to try to force women to stay unhappy. Seeing as at least half of all children will have separated parents these days (and seeing as divorce has been commonplace since the 80s), the idea that it screws you up is laughable. The majority of people turn out just fine and there are also plenty of kids with issues whose parents are still together.
if a couple has a happy solid marriage, that is great. But that is in no way the same as a couple who are not happy together and force themselves to put on a show. I know so many people who say they wish their parents had split or split earlier. Life is too short for misery.

Had suspicions that I was Bisexual when I was in my early 20s, was already married so never found myself exploring it until later (with husband's consent). Not uncommon to not be able to identify fully without any actual experience of other same sex partners. OP you need to be happy, if that is with you husband that's great, but if it isn't that's absolutely wonderful too. Life is too short to be unhappy.

You had a relationship with your boss and decided you were gay ?

Those are two big things to happen. The relationship with your boss..not really equal status is it ? I think you are in a vulnerable state.

Can’t tell you how many out, gay women I know who were in your situation! The oldest was in her 50s. And is now very happy with her girlfriend.

'The idea that it causes kids irreparable harm is used to try to force women to stay unhappy. Seeing as at least half of all children will have separated parents these days (and seeing as divorce has been commonplace since the 80s), the idea that it screws you up is laughable'

I think this is a bit dismissive. My parents divorced when I was a child and it certainly did cause me a lot of hurt and I felt a lot of loneliness, guilt and shame (different times back then.) Then my mother found a new partner who was violent which didn't help. I don't blame them for ending their marriage and I don't wish they had stayed together. But children do feel the impact of their parents separating and very often blame themselves.

I think I'd have some more counselling focused on this particular realisation. It's important to think and talk it through thoroughly before making any permanent decisions that impact your child.

I don't want to make light of this too much but is it possible that you are simply feeling trapped and wanting the polar opposite of your DH? You have gone decades thinking you are straight so although it is possible to suddenly realise you're gay, it is worth considering where this feeling originated.

God knows I've had relationships where I've seriously thought about whether life would be easier if I liked women but that was a reflection of my unhappiness in that relationship, not necessarily my sexual orientation iyswim.

In addition to the counselling, if I were you I would separate from your DH. I'd ride out the waves, let the dust settle and spend a year just being single.

No relationships, no dating, no hook ups, just concentrate on your son and find out who you are. Your son doesn't need you together. He needs stability but stability doesn't have to mean cohabitation and from the sounds of it, you need space.

Pity you have to quote the poor old guy who earned his crust by analysing Viennese neurotics. If you could be bothered to read you would see I corrected the slip immediately below. The problem is that you have the pathetic modern view of love (based on the movies and Mills & Boon) that it’s based upon feelings which satisfy yourself. Actually love is a decision we make to put the other person first. Of course, for happiness it should be mutual but when I see someone caring for a disabled child or a spouse withdimentia I know that’s love.

I hate drip feeding so want to make a few things clear
I felt very confused about feelings I was having towards my boss and a family death tore us apart further.
I ended the relationship but he insisted we live together for the sake of DS and I couldn’t say I didn’t love him - I definitely do in a way but it’s just not the same.
The guilt seeing what I was doing to him and in turn our DS is what caused me to end the relationship with her and refocus on our marriage.

You can't opt out of your sexuality. It is what it is.
The key here is to accept that you are as you are.
Will it hurt others around you? Sure, it's likely.
Though you don't HAVE to just leave the family.
I believe sexuality is somewhat flexible
You feel the way you do. There isn't much to analyse.

I am unsure why I have written this like a blood poem (non rhyming obv!)

This is so sad you feel trapped