To realise im bloody gay at 42 even though im married?

[OhDearLordWTF]

I can’t believe this
Surely you can’t just be gay this late in life

Yes, you won't find many gay people who were 100% at a young age. I too am a gay woman and had boyfriends, was in love with men, and slept with men til I was 25. Welcome to the other side ;)

If you were separated from your husband and living with your boss/girlfriend, then surely your children and family know you are at least bi-sexual?

I wish my parents had divorced earlier than they did. Mom stayed “for the kids”.

don’t do that to your family

Sleeping with your boss sounds very complicated, whether male or female...

I think it’s more common than you think, for people to realise later in life. Back in the 80s and early 90s, being gay wasn’t so open. People followed the default route of school, relationship, marriage, kids. Being gay wasn’t an option people considered - you just followed the conventional route like everyone else.

Today people are recognising their sexual preferences, whether at 18 or 48.

( I know being gay isn’t an option, but many opted for the straight route, not realising you can take other paths).

Yes, though I'd say that if the OP is 42, she turned 20 in the year 2000, not the 80s.

OP, there's no easy answer. I wish you luck.

Ok so "coming out" IE realising that you're not completely heterosexual, later in life is completely normal and has become increasingly common in the last decade or so as it becomes much more accepted.
So this in itself is not an issue and as @NeedToLeaveNow says, there's no need for labels you're free to fall in love with anybody.

So, the real issue is that you are unhappy and dissatisfied in your relationship. This is what you need to work on. Only you can decide whether you decide to leave and build a new life on your own or try to repair your relationship. What I would say though is don't rush to form a new relationship before you have amicably resolved and moved on from this one. If you do you'll end up hurting more people (and yourself) along the way.
Good luck.

If your husband came out as gay would you want to stay with him? If it was your best friend, what advice would you give them?

I don’t think I would want to be someone’s second choice or feel like someone had settled for me. But this is incredibly personal to you and not an easy one. I hope you can talk to your partner op.

I held one of my very best friend’s hands through two very horrible marriage breakups to two very horrible men. She has a DS from each marriage and they were miserable too. She had one short relationship with a woman a few years later and is now with someone who supports and adores her. All of her friends love her and she is more “herself” (unguarded, honest, open) than she ever was. She has been with her partner for 11 years now, and she’s 55. I would say it’s not too late. Oh, and her partner is a MUCH better support with the kids than either of the blokes were, even though they’re (flaky, but) still around.

When Philip Schofield came out as gay and left his wife he was absolutely castigated on Mumsnet. People said that he should have realised earlier, that he had effectively lied to his wife throughout their marriage and it was wrong for him to break up the family.

It's interesting the reaction is so different in this situation.

My ex DH came out at 42. I beg you to come out, end your marriage, and work out a strategy to coparent well and with love. Let your DH go so he can find someone who loves him the way he deserves. Yes, there will be fallout and devastation, but it will pass, and at least then you’ll both be living more authentic lives. You will be unhappy if you stay in the marriage, and you’ll likely make your DH and DS unhappy too.m

If you had an affair (when you were on a "break") but still living with your husband surely he knows anyway? I wouldn't want my husband back if he had a 6 month relationship with a man. Surely your marriage was over at this point anyway? My friend did the same, was with her husband for 12 years (married only 1 year) and decided to date women but still married. I told her your marriage is over if you want to date other people (women). Thankfully they had no children, but their marriage ended about 2 years later and she later married a woman. I found it bizarre that she saw nothing wrong dating women still married, I said at the time to her if you are needing to date women you should end the marriage first, it isnt fair to your husband.

Check in with your husband and see if he agrees. Otherwise you are robbing him of agency in his life.

Sexuality is difficult. I'm a sex repulsed asexual yet I married twice and had a child. In the end the asexual won and I decided I just could not bear to touch another person sexually and left. I couldn't stay. Not even for one more second.

@CherryBlossomAutumn A lot of people dont get to 'explore themselves', especially as it was not something people used to talk about in the past as much.

Absolutely this.

It's not fair on your DH to stay and a bad example to your DC

We have a society which believes you must indulge your own urges, irrespective of whether you ruin your own family, kids, loved ones, etc, that your love of self comes before love of others and sacrifice is anathema. I would personally urge you for the sake of your loved ones to make a sacrifice of your own desires. Bless you!

We have a society which believes you must indulge your own urges, irrespective of whether you ruin your own family, kids, loved ones, etc, that your love of self comes before love of others and sacrifice is anathema. I would personally urge you for the sake of your loved ones to make a sacrifice of your own desires. Bless you!

wtf? Do you say this to all the approximately 50% of couples with kids who split up and move on or just people who are same-sex attracted? So OP should basically be miserable forever, for what? Her DH will move on eventually and her kid will be fine. This is just a normal family break up situation, regardless of whether one person is gay.

I think you can fall in love with a person regardless of their sex

Not easy though

Men who come out after marriage are always ripped to shreds on here @EdgeOfACoin , Mumsnet is not an impartial site. Truth is though that both men and women can come to realise they are actually gay, not straight or bi, later in life.

I don't think it's at all unusual to realise in ones 40s. Looking back to what it was like being 20-something at the turn of the millennium, we are the generation that grew up with section 28, heteronormativity still everywhere, it was easy to get railroaded into accepting that marriage and kids was just the expected path. Yanbu op.

I think it would be better to try to build something authentic than to pretend to be who you aren't. Could you find a way to live with honesty without leaving eg having separate bedrooms from dh, abd living as "housemates" and coparenting colleagues.

Of course you can! Congratulations.

So the 6 month affair with a woman didn't make you think you might be gay, it was a counsellor who had to point it out to you?!

Either way, if you're not going to be happy with your husband, there's no point staying with him. It's counter productive, and it won't make your son happier growing up in a household like that.

If it's a case or "I love my husband, and we're happy enough, but I can't help feeling I might be happier with someone else" then that's much harder.

Troll senses tingling but will see if the op elaborates further.