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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to babysitting in a different town

48 replies

HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 18:53

One of my sisters-in-law has a big birthday coming up and her husband is trying to organise a surprise party for her, which involves arranging somewhere for their two primary-age children to stay the night.

My husband (SIL's brother) and I are obviously invited to the party, but since we also have 2 primary-age children and all the people we would normally be able to ask to babysit our children overnight are going to this party (I'm an immigrant and my family live in a different country), I'm not going to be able to go. Of course my husband is going to the party because it's his sister's birthday.

Since I can't go anyway, I offered to have my kids' 2 cousins over to stay the night. We live in a different town about 30 minutes away so I know this isn't the dream solution but of course I want to help.

My husband's other sister is also helping with organising everything and suggested to BIL (birthday sister's husband) that I would go with my kids and look after all 4 children at FIL's house instead, because he lives in the same town as the birthday sister.

I don't want to. I don't particularly like staying over there. It's not that clean, especially the bathrooms. The bedding is ancient. I'd just really prefer to be comfortable and relaxed in my own home. I don't want to have to hang around in FIL's house for my husband to be ready to go the morning after a party I didn't go to.

I said I wasn't really up for that. I'm happy to have the kids at mine but not at FIL's house. My husband's other sister I think is annoyed at me. She is making comments like people have to take one for the team to make things work. I understand it's important for the siblings to make this party a possibility, but I have offered the help I'm willing to give. She's making me feel guilty because I love my husband's sisters and I don't want to be difficult for no good reason, but I did think I'd already made a helpful offer. AIBU?

OP posts:
HannahSternDefoe · 25/08/2022 19:07

I don't want to

Tell them it's either what you've kindly offered or nothing.

pippinsleftleg · 25/08/2022 19:09

HannahSternDefoe · 25/08/2022 19:07

I don't want to

Tell them it's either what you've kindly offered or nothing.

I agree with this. Your doing your bit for the team by not going to the party and babysitting the kids. Do it in the comfort of your own home.

pippinsleftleg · 25/08/2022 19:09

*You’re… oh for an edit button..

whiteroseredrose · 25/08/2022 19:12

You are looking after your DC at home. Your SIL is welcome to drop hers with you, or make alternative arrangements. Simple.

forrestgreen · 25/08/2022 19:16

'Sorry you've misunderstood, I'm staying here as I can't go to the party so I've offered to have x & y stay here too. Hope that helps clear it up!'

Leeds2 · 25/08/2022 19:16

If SIL doesn't like your offer to look after all the DC in your home, she can find another babysitter to look after her children.

Brigante9 · 25/08/2022 19:18

You’re already taking one for the team by not going! Cheeky cow!

Swannning · 25/08/2022 19:19

You are taking one for the team by staying home and looking after your own children and offering to have hers.

Original poster
HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 19:20

Birthday SIL, mother of the cousins, has no idea about any of it, the plan is to surprise her. BIL, father of the cousins, hasn't said anything about it other than to thank me for my offer and he said he was investigating various options.

Other SIL does babysit for us every now and then and we reciprocate much more infrequently because her children are older and they have her husband's family as support as well. Other SIL is really the main person we can ask for babysitting, so I can see in a way that we do owe her, to be completely fair to her.

OP posts:
JasmineJJ · 25/08/2022 19:25

Ignore her, she's being ridiculous. You've made a very kind offer to look after four children on your own so that your husband and his family can celebrate. It's a 30 min drive ffs. Stand your ground.

FinallyHere · 25/08/2022 19:36

I don't want to

A full and complete answer.

Anyone who wants you to do more is being very, very reasonable.

Making an offer and sticking to it, is to me the very essence of good mental health. It's a very generous offer and it's entirely up to the people to decide whether to take you up on it ... or not

Pushing for more is not cool.

FinallyHere · 25/08/2022 19:37

being very, very reasonable.

Very, very unreasonable. unreasonable

Sorry about that, makes no sense otherwise.

Goldbar · 25/08/2022 19:51

YANBU.

If you want to be tactful and try to smooth things over (as you say you somewhat "owe" other SIL), just say it will be much more fun for all the cousins at your house which is child-friendly with toys and where you can plan things for them than at FIL's house where you're guests and have to be careful.

Original poster
HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 20:17

She's put a shocked react on the bit in the group chat where I said I was happy to babysit at mine but not elsewhere so she's definitely annoyed at me.

I feel bad but I'm just not going to respond. I don't want to get into an argument about it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2022 20:24

Ignore stupid hinting. You’re taking one for the team by not going. And this pushy SIL isn’t the parent or any of the kids being babysat? Fuck all to do with her. Just ignore.

Stopthebusplease · 25/08/2022 20:49

Agree with previous poster, it's nothing to do with her, so either ignore or tell her to keep her nose out, yet another CF!

UniquelyBoring · 25/08/2022 20:53

She's a classic CF. Hold your boundaries.

Original poster
HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 21:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2022 20:24

Ignore stupid hinting. You’re taking one for the team by not going. And this pushy SIL isn’t the parent or any of the kids being babysat? Fuck all to do with her. Just ignore.

I also wondered why she was so invested in trying to sort out this babysitting for children that aren't hers, but I think the thing is she just really wants to make the night a success for her sister, so it comes from a good place. I don't appreciate the guilt tripping but I think probably she will calm down about it if I just leave it to cool off.

I have to say it has stiffened my resolve to see that MN is 100% behind me.😮

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 21:51

You're already doing a favour for them. She can fuck right off.

Angelinflipflops · 25/08/2022 22:00

Why not get baby sitters so every one can go

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/08/2022 22:06

Get a babysitter either via agency or ask on local Fb town group if any nannies there

sounds like you don’t want to go to sil party

Original poster
HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 22:16

It would be overnight babysitting from 5 pm to probably at least 10 am the next day. To me that's a massive favour to ask of a friend and I'm not going to do it. I don't have any family here to ask. We usually ask a member of my husband's family if we need/want babysitting but they're all going to the party. I'm not comfortable paying someone that neither I nor my children know well to spend the night in our house with them, that is not going to happen.

I would love to go to the party but unfortunately it won't be possible. I'm just trying to make the best of the situation so that at least I can help out my BIL with organising this surprise.

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 25/08/2022 22:19

You’ve already done enough by saying you won’t go to the party and offering to look after the kids. Could your husband go and get the kids to help out if he’s getting to go to the party?

phishy · 25/08/2022 22:22

I think you need to do less for this pushy SIL. Silly twat.

pumpkinpie01 · 25/08/2022 22:23

Really don't know why she is so bothered when they aren't her kids ! Is it because everyone is staying at FIL's the night and she thinks it will be nice if everyone is there in the morning ?

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