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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to babysitting in a different town

48 replies

HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 18:53

One of my sisters-in-law has a big birthday coming up and her husband is trying to organise a surprise party for her, which involves arranging somewhere for their two primary-age children to stay the night.

My husband (SIL's brother) and I are obviously invited to the party, but since we also have 2 primary-age children and all the people we would normally be able to ask to babysit our children overnight are going to this party (I'm an immigrant and my family live in a different country), I'm not going to be able to go. Of course my husband is going to the party because it's his sister's birthday.

Since I can't go anyway, I offered to have my kids' 2 cousins over to stay the night. We live in a different town about 30 minutes away so I know this isn't the dream solution but of course I want to help.

My husband's other sister is also helping with organising everything and suggested to BIL (birthday sister's husband) that I would go with my kids and look after all 4 children at FIL's house instead, because he lives in the same town as the birthday sister.

I don't want to. I don't particularly like staying over there. It's not that clean, especially the bathrooms. The bedding is ancient. I'd just really prefer to be comfortable and relaxed in my own home. I don't want to have to hang around in FIL's house for my husband to be ready to go the morning after a party I didn't go to.

I said I wasn't really up for that. I'm happy to have the kids at mine but not at FIL's house. My husband's other sister I think is annoyed at me. She is making comments like people have to take one for the team to make things work. I understand it's important for the siblings to make this party a possibility, but I have offered the help I'm willing to give. She's making me feel guilty because I love my husband's sisters and I don't want to be difficult for no good reason, but I did think I'd already made a helpful offer. AIBU?

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 25/08/2022 22:31

You keep that resolve stiffened. You are more than taking one for the team by not going and doing the babysitting. Least it can be is in the comfort of your own home.

Shelby2010 · 25/08/2022 22:40

Perhaps SIL is thinking that if you stayed more locally, then the kids (and you) could spend an hour or two at the party first?

Original poster

HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 22:49

pumpkinpie01 · 25/08/2022 22:23

Really don't know why she is so bothered when they aren't her kids ! Is it because everyone is staying at FIL's the night and she thinks it will be nice if everyone is there in the morning ?

I think because it will be a bit of a pain in the arse ferrying them to me and collecting them the next day. The plan is that the family should do something fun in the day time and then when they arrive home, everyone is there to surprise her. So someone will have to then miss an hour or so of the party in order to deliver the children to me. Which sure is not ideal. So it's that balanced against the fact that it is not ideal from my perspective to babysit in FIL's house.

OP posts:

Chohlin654 · 25/08/2022 22:53

I'd set the cast amongst the pigeons and withdraw your offer as you've had an offer for a babysitter. They can call off the night before ...😈

Original poster

HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 22:57

Shelby2010 · 25/08/2022 22:40

Perhaps SIL is thinking that if you stayed more locally, then the kids (and you) could spend an hour or two at the party first?

That is true, I could do that and actually that is what my husband suggested. I have thought about it and it still wouldn't be something I'd want to do, though. I'd rather just order a pizza and watch a film and have a chill evening in my house than take 4 hyped up kids by myself to put them to bed in a house I don't really enjoy staying in.

OP posts:

chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 22:58

Shelby2010 · 25/08/2022 22:40

Perhaps SIL is thinking that if you stayed more locally, then the kids (and you) could spend an hour or two at the party first?

Doesn't matter. There's no need for her to be rude about OP's offer.

Original poster

HorseInTheHouse · 25/08/2022 22:59

Chohlin654 · 25/08/2022 22:53

I'd set the cast amongst the pigeons and withdraw your offer as you've had an offer for a babysitter. They can call off the night before ...😈

I'd really be fucking over my husband's whole family if I did that and in particular ruining his sister's birthday party, which she knows nothing about. Why would I want to do that? I love them.

OP posts:

startfresh · 26/08/2022 05:22

Chohlin654 · 25/08/2022 22:53

I'd set the cast amongst the pigeons and withdraw your offer as you've had an offer for a babysitter. They can call off the night before ...😈

Found my (almost) person.

I would just say "ok, I won't babysit as my terms aren't good enough. I'll have a lovely night with my dc" then I would refuse to change my mind for a bit to make them work and realise I wasn't unreasonable 😅

SuperCamp · 26/08/2022 05:46

Why can’t all the kids just be at the party?

When I was a kid we would all be upstairs while the adults partied downstairs. Yes, we were awake very late, but never mind.

Charley50 · 26/08/2022 05:52

SuperCamp · 26/08/2022 05:46

Why can’t all the kids just be at the party?

When I was a kid we would all be upstairs while the adults partied downstairs. Yes, we were awake very late, but never mind.

Yes I was just thinking, why can't the kids be at the party?

TabithaTittlemouse · 26/08/2022 06:00

It’s only 30 minutes away! She can get them easily in the morning.

You are kind for offering to look after her dc.

ittakes2 · 26/08/2022 06:08

If you want to smooth things over you could offer to collect them the day of the party which avoids one of them missing that hour from the group - they can collect them the next morning.

Classicblunder · 26/08/2022 06:21

ittakes2 · 26/08/2022 06:08

If you want to smooth things over you could offer to collect them the day of the party which avoids one of them missing that hour from the group - they can collect them the next morning.

Unless she has a mini van or the kids are older, she probably can't fit 4 kids with car seats

Classicblunder · 26/08/2022 06:24

I would probably deliberately misunderstand the shocked emoji - "it's ok, I really don't mind staying at home and helping out, I will miss seeing you all but it's honestly fine and I am very happy to help with babysitting, I will make sure the kids have a blast"

Heyisforhorses · 26/08/2022 07:09

I do understand your No to a degree but I do agree too that sometimes yoh have to do things you arent too pushed on to help people.

If the party SIL is your go to for babysitting and helps you out, you say you owe her, I'd do it for her and your DH. You're very fond of them all and if it were me I'd do it. You want the kids dropped 30 mins away so part of party is missed by someone and then how do they get home the next day? Most likely they'll be hungover and not want/be fit to drive. Your DH has suggested bringing all kids to the party for a few hours, this would be what I would do too.

When the party is over and all chat goes on about the huge surprise, it will come out that you wouldn't travel so there could be a fallout from that with future babysitting.

Travis1 · 26/08/2022 07:18

Charley50 · 26/08/2022 05:52

Yes I was just thinking, why can't the kids be at the party?

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Same, especially the birthday girls kids being papped out? Seems a bit shitty

Tollystar · 26/08/2022 07:31

I expect its a mixture of other SIL having a 'vision' of how the party will pan out, all staying at FILs, leisurely breakfast in the morning etc, and the practicalities of getting the kids to yours, when as she sees it, there is a better solution. Can you or your DH be the one ferrying the kids to and from yours? That way at least the practicality objection is removed.

Original poster

HorseInTheHouse · 26/08/2022 09:52

Birthday SIL doesn't want a party with the children there. That's the reason she didn't organise her own party, because she wants a child-free party but all their go-to babysitters are people they'd want to have at the party. This is what she has said. So she thinks it's not possible, which is why BIL is trying to organise this surprise. They don't have an upstairs. They are spending the day doing something special with the children and I don't see how it's a shitty thing to want a child-free birthday party in the evening.

I don't for one second think that Birthday SIL will be annoyed at me for looking after her kids at my house. BIL is definitely not annoyed about it. It's just other SIL who can get a bit over involved trying to manage details. As I said, I think it will blow over.

OP posts:

pippinsleftleg · 26/08/2022 11:15

Ignore the other SIL. Your BIL knows you'll look after the kids at your house so he can take you up on the offer if he wants to.

Vikinga · 26/08/2022 11:25

Every party I hosted when my kids were younger included the children and everyone had a brilliant time. I don't see how having 4 kids in one of the rooms with pizza and a film would cramp their style and it would solve all the issues.

Even when friends had adults only parties, they had their own kids in the house and a few times if people struggled with babysitters they said they'd rather they bring the children than not attend.

But the other alternative is to go to the party, get a babysitter and drive home after the party. I don't see why it has to be overnight when it's only 30 mins away.

SuperCamp · 26/08/2022 11:32

Classicblunder · 26/08/2022 06:24

This.

sillysmiles · 26/08/2022 11:36

Charley50 · 26/08/2022 05:52

Yes I was just thinking, why can't the kids be at the party?

Show quote history

This was my thought too.

Original poster

HorseInTheHouse · 26/08/2022 12:16

It will be a child-free party, as the person whose birthday it is has specifically said that's what she wants. It's not my party. We have one car so if we would do the leaving early thing we would both have to leave. It's just better and easier if my husband can go to his sister's birthday party, have a nice time without thinking about getting back and come home the next day. Sometimes we're able to go out together, sometimes just one of us goes out and the other is happy to facilitate that. Thanks for all the suggestions but I don't have a problem with this and it's not an issue I'm aiming to 'solve'.

Thanks everyone who responded!

OP posts:

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