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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do

31 replies

MoH22 · 25/08/2022 12:13

I'm currently organising my childhood best friends hen do. She said from the start she wanted an abroad hen and an at home hen, which due to the locations of most of the party will still involve travel.

I asked her about budget and she said some of the hens have a low income so to try and make it reasonable. She since has sent me a number of "bridal demands" for accessories to wear. One of which I felt was expensive so I told her that maybe something a similar style but these things all add up.

I felt it was getting slightly out of hand so I pulled together a cost breakdown which I thought would cover the abroad hen, some activities, accessories and spending money whilst away.

I sent this to her and she said she felt it was reasonable, I went back and said this is just one of two though and she said to see what the others thought, I suggested it might be better coming from her and she said just ask th about the travel and accommodation but miss out activities etc. This felt manipulative to me and also not productive as it would then mean asking for add ons later so I said I would send the costing I had pulled together. She asked another party member who isn't in the group chat but just told them the cost without add ins.

One of 4 replied, over a week later we went for dinner and I said I thought people hadn't replied as it was a lot and that on top of it people would be paying 100/200 for the second hen and to stay over before the actual wedding plus gift. She got quite defensive and said she deserved this abroad hen and mentioned how I had been cheap about the accessories.

We agreed she would talk to the others and get an idea of a reasonable budget for them and the liklihood of them going to the second but stated she wanted to go away even if it was just with me.

So here is my aibu, I now feel resentful over the whole ask and feel that actually an abroad hen isn't a reasonable ask at all and I want to see what the others say but state I will just attend 1 hen and not 2 and not organise 2 either. I feel I maybe am being unreasonable because it is affordable for me, and said I would do it and now I'm changing my mind.

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 25/08/2022 12:17

This is the problem with abroad hen do's ( I have two up coming and two home hen do's ) The idea is great but the reality is somewhat different when people have different circumstances.

I think you all need to set a budget with what your all comfortable with then find something within that budget, whatever that may be, abroad or at one or one hen do v two.

The bride has to understand that her hen do isn't most peoples priority's in the nicest possible way.

Antarcticant · 25/08/2022 12:20

Two hen dos is unreasonable, full stop. Who does she think she is?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/08/2022 12:21

I think you should tell her that two hens is unreasonable and she needs to pick home or abroad. Bite the bullet and do it even if she does go bridezilla.

lanthanum · 25/08/2022 12:21

Perhaps suggest just having the at-home hen, blowing a little more money on all the extras for that, and the two of you going for a weekend abroad separately (without all the "hen" trimmings). That way nobody (other than you) is under pressure to do both, and she probably gets a more all-singing all-dancing hen and more flexibility on where to go with the weekend abroad.

SaggyBlinders · 25/08/2022 12:23

I think hen dos would be much better if the bride footed the bill.

Set up an anonymous poll (I think you can use survey monkey or something similar), send it on the hen do chat, and give people a week to reply. Have the options as something like I'm happy to spend 100 - 200, 200 - 300, 300 - 400 etc. Then go with majority.

Abroad hen dos costs often increase and increase, they can be done on a budget, but are a pain in the arse to organise. And someone is pretty much always unhappy. Good luck!

Thatswhyimacat · 25/08/2022 12:25

Asking the budget of the potential attendees is the absolute first thing you should do when planning a hen do!

I can't believe that she would rather have a specific hen do even if it means noone would attend? That's madness.

neverbeenskiing · 25/08/2022 12:28

YANBU. This is why Hen do's are a pain in the arse for everyone except the Bride. Asking people to attend two hen do's is OTT and inconsiderate as good friends will feel often obliged even if money is tight. Your friend is being unreasonable to ask you to organise but then try to dictate everything and she is completely out of order for expecting you to hide the true cost from the others. That's just sneaky and shows she knows full well her demands are too expensive, but like a child she wants what she wants regardless.

jackstini · 25/08/2022 12:29

You need a group WhatsApp with all the other hens and a link to surveys on acceptable spend, time available to be away etc.

Once you have all the answers you can go back to her with 'this is what people are able to do!'

chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 12:30

jackstini · 25/08/2022 12:29

You need a group WhatsApp with all the other hens and a link to surveys on acceptable spend, time available to be away etc.

Once you have all the answers you can go back to her with 'this is what people are able to do!'

Yup do this.

Though to be honest with her attitude I'd chuck in the towel and step down.

RaRaRaspoutine · 25/08/2022 12:35

Is your childhood friend JLo? Who has two hens?!

AverageJoan · 25/08/2022 12:46

My friend is having two hen dos (I'm a bridesmaid so can't really get out of them), one abroad over a bank holiday weekend and one at home only a week prior. It's doing my head in, so much expense and I'll have a 6 month old baby at home which she seems to care very little about. I just think the whole narrative around hen parties has gotten out of hand and I don't know why. No one cares about it as much as the bride will.

Original poster
MoH22 · 25/08/2022 12:52

This is what is getting to me, at first I thought cool a girls holiday and a night out but I think it's the reality of having to force others to go and how she is being about the accessories is making it feel less fun and more just work!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/08/2022 13:09

I hate abroad hens but realise they are becoming the norm.
However- usually the UK hen is for those that cant attend the abroad hen- I wouldnt demand 2 celebrations.
I would make it clear that all costs have to be laid out from the start, otherwise it will come back to bite you (not the bride)- when people blame you/ drop out etc.

StClare101 · 25/08/2022 13:14

Wait, she wants to mislead people on costs? Fuck that… you would be her fall person for sure when people get upset. Just say you are only comfortable organising if upfront about costs and that you don’t have time to organise both.

What is with some of these brides? I know absolutely no one like this!

BritInAus · 25/08/2022 13:16

Just me who wants to know what 'the accessories' are?!
Whatever happened to a night out with dinner and a few drinks?

Sandinmyknickers · 25/08/2022 13:25

Who wants a hen do with miserable guests though? I don't understand why you wouldn't want to ensure your friends are comfortable with it as either they won't go, or go and be resentful and that's no fun at all!!

Paintsplat · 25/08/2022 13:32

Hen do's abroad only work if you're one of the first in a group of childhood friends to settle down, meaning you've got a group of people traveling from roughly the same place who know each other and are happy to have a girls holiday fairly cheaply.
Anything beyond that point and they're just not realistic. Honestly if it were me I'd be stepping down from the duties and saying that I was sorry but can't deliver what they're asking for.

Kitkatcatflap · 25/08/2022 13:40

Abroad hen dos ARE a big ask. I agree with the above poster. Hen dos should be paid for by the bride - especially when she wants TWO.

I would step down - no one is replying, she is hiding the cost and moaning about the the choice of accessories. Tell her as she 'deserves a hen do abroad'. Maybe she deserves someone more invested to arrange it.

Keep us posted OP

badbaduncle · 25/08/2022 13:45

Accessories?

BusyMum47 · 25/08/2022 13:48

lanthanum · 25/08/2022 12:21

Perhaps suggest just having the at-home hen, blowing a little more money on all the extras for that, and the two of you going for a weekend abroad separately (without all the "hen" trimmings). That way nobody (other than you) is under pressure to do both, and she probably gets a more all-singing all-dancing hen and more flexibility on where to go with the weekend abroad.

I'd be torn between saying this ⬆️ as it's a fair & sensible compromise and just backing out entirely!

She's being VERY Bridezilla & it's not gonna end well - you're gonna get kicked from both sides - you'll be the one with all the organisational hassle, stress & angry hens who've been misled re. money etc. & the bride will somehow make it your fault if numbers drop & one or both of the events end up a disaster or not even happening.

Merryoldgoat · 25/08/2022 13:54

Honestly? I’d tell her that you’re obviously not performing in your duties and leave her to it.

I’ve got no interest in bridezilla and hen bollocks. It’s utterly pathetic and YADNBU

AlexTheBird · 25/08/2022 13:56

You're very close friends with the bride and she should respect your opinion - can you gently suggest that everyone is facing financial uncertainty and worried about the future, so perhaps people are reluctant to commit. I went on a hen do abroad earlier this year, but that meant that I couldn't go on another nice holiday with my own family which fostered a bit of resentment. It was fun, and nice to have a girls weekend away but other things had to be sacrificed in return. I do think it's a little selfish to have a hen do abroad but that's my own opinion (ducks head under the parapet).

For the budget, could you look at breaking it down into manageable chunks of payments for everyone? (I'm sure you've already thought of that).

Good luck! I hope she appreciates all the effort you're clearly making for her.

AlexTheBird · 25/08/2022 13:59

Meant to add - how long do you have until the hen/wedding happens?

ChimChimeny · 25/08/2022 14:31

I definitely wouldn't be planning to go abroad just you & her, sounds like a nightmare!

I agree with the survey, and push for one UK weekend. If she keeps being a bridezilla about it I'd graciously bow out.

ChimChimeny · 25/08/2022 14:33

I bet no one wants to commit because they (along with most people) are shitting themselves at the thought of the energy price rises and food cost rises. No way would I be committing to spending hundreds of pounds on someone's vanity project.