Hen do

[MoH22]

I'm currently organising my childhood best friends hen do. She said from the start she wanted an abroad hen and an at home hen, which due to the locations of most of the party will still involve travel.

I asked her about budget and she said some of the hens have a low income so to try and make it reasonable. She since has sent me a number of "bridal demands" for accessories to wear. One of which I felt was expensive so I told her that maybe something a similar style but these things all add up.

I felt it was getting slightly out of hand so I pulled together a cost breakdown which I thought would cover the abroad hen, some activities, accessories and spending money whilst away.

I sent this to her and she said she felt it was reasonable, I went back and said this is just one of two though and she said to see what the others thought, I suggested it might be better coming from her and she said just ask th about the travel and accommodation but miss out activities etc. This felt manipulative to me and also not productive as it would then mean asking for add ons later so I said I would send the costing I had pulled together. She asked another party member who isn't in the group chat but just told them the cost without add ins.

One of 4 replied, over a week later we went for dinner and I said I thought people hadn't replied as it was a lot and that on top of it people would be paying 100/200 for the second hen and to stay over before the actual wedding plus gift. She got quite defensive and said she deserved this abroad hen and mentioned how I had been cheap about the accessories.

We agreed she would talk to the others and get an idea of a reasonable budget for them and the liklihood of them going to the second but stated she wanted to go away even if it was just with me.

So here is my aibu, I now feel resentful over the whole ask and feel that actually an abroad hen isn't a reasonable ask at all and I want to see what the others say but state I will just attend 1 hen and not 2 and not organise 2 either. I feel I maybe am being unreasonable because it is affordable for me, and said I would do it and now I'm changing my mind.

Thanks for all your responses! Accessories include, a veil to wear in her hair, £25, and printed tshirts. I am hoping that as we are such good friends she will reflect on our conversation and talk to the other bridesmaids and get an idea of feasibility. Then once I have that information I will do what's been suggested above and ask her to consider just one which we can make great rather than 2 half arsed ones, with people dropping out and feeling resentful!

If she brings it up in the meantime I'm not sure what I'll say but I will definitely not be contacting anyone about it until she has got an idea of a reasonable budget.

Send her some links from hen do threads on mumsnet and hopefully she might understand that most people find abroad hen dos a massive imposition - on their bank accounts and on their time.

Maybe manage her expectations and gently suggest that people aren't prepared to commit to something this expensive due to the cost of living just now. And try to explain that if she wants "accessories" she pays for them herself.

She needs to be told that what she wants, and what other people will be prepared to pay for, are not necessarily the same thing.

Her hen do is not as important to everyone else as she thinks it is.

Why does she want printed t shirts? Is this one of those bar crawl type things? That will cost a fortune in alcohol

She's mad to suggest you deceive people about the add ons. Costs absolutely have to be laid out from the start if you're booking with your money otherwise you leave yourself really vulnerable to footing a massive bill when people drop out or refuse to cough up.

As an example, I went to a hen do where the bridesmaids did a poll on whether people could attend for two nights or three. Quite a few (including me) said they could only do two, only for the organisers to come back and say they had booked three nights for the whole party regardless. Obviously at that point several people dropped out as they couldn't afford the money/ annual leave/ childcare so the one who put it on her credit card didn't get back the money she expected to. I still went as the bride is close family but when we were all asked to contribute to covering the cost of those that had dropped out? Not a chance, we were already paying more than we'd signed up for. Most of us were paying our share for three nights and only staying two as still needed to be back for kids or work.
I would put together an approx cost for the entire thing and get agreement to it from those attending before you spend a penny on any of the big things, whether it's one trip or two.

Ah, threads like this remind me to be grateful I don’t like people and therefore don’t have to suffer through this crap.