To want to stab my sister with the depo injection? (Please read)

[helplessister]

I’m half joking by the way… obviously I’m not actually going to do it.

My sister is in an abusive relationship. We’ve all tried to help her leave but she always goes back to him. Anyone who’s been through this knows how difficult it is to help someone in that situation. We’re trying the best to support her in any way we can.

She’s 21, he’s 30. Together for 2/3 years? They live together in a flat. I have been over once, the door was full of holes. At least he’s punching the door instead of my sister? She claims he’s never hit her but I’m not sure. He has banned the family from coming over and doesn’t like her speaking to us. He stays at home all day smoking weed and expects her to fund his lifestyle. We are seeing less and less of her as he takes more control. I think the weed makes him very paranoid and jealous.

Last year, she got pregnant and had an abortion. He didn’t know about any of it. She said she never wanted kids. We encouraged her to go on contraception, she said she wants to but he won’t let her because it “will make her fat.” 6 months later, she’s pregnant again and he wants to keep it. Did I mention he has at least 2 other kids which he has no contact with? She said she doesn’t want the baby but she wants to make him happy. They have a massive argument and he breaks her phone so she moves in with me. She decided to get an abortion again but told him she miscarried. A few weeks later they’re back together again.

He is not a nice man at all, he tried to intimidate me once and got in my face. She got pregnant again but this time did miscarry. He has accused her of not looking after herself and “purposely killing his babies.” I don’t know how this man has any sperm left from all the crap that he smokes?! My sister said she is secretly relieved but knows that she will have to give him a baby one day.

My mother is heartbroken, my brother and his wife have just had a very late miscarriage so they are really struggling with the whole situation. I feel like I’m the only one who can help her.

It’s all just so frustrating, I feel so helpless.

Oh soo sorry op. You really can't help her other than be there for her when she's ready. I've had friends in abusive relationships and for the sake of my sanity had to step away. I imagine having a sister in this scenario is much worse.

The best thing you can do if you actually want to help is to try and get in. The worst thing your family can do is to keep airing your (understandable) judgements against him as you will just alienate her further from help, support and reason.

Also stop blaming weed, there are loads of people who have very successful careers and healthy, loving relationships that smoke it every day for years on end. I know quite a few. He's just a wanker and a loser, no excuses.

Have you offered to try to help her arrange a trip to get a long acting contraceptive put in? Jab, implant, coil? Because if that can be managed it definitely sounds like a net good.

Thank you for your replies. I am sorry for the comment about the weed. I don’t know a lot about it to be honest. I’ve heard it can make people paranoid and he is a very paranoid person so I presumed it was that.

I will try talk to her again about contraception but I’m worried what he will be like if he was to find out, I don’t want to make things worse for her.

I think whilst contraception is wise you need to speak to your sister and let her know that what he is doing is abuse. He is isolating her from her friends and family, he is taking her money and even if he has never hit her by punching holes in doors he is using violence to intimidate her. she needs help to leave and she may well go back many many times before she leaves for good, all you can do is be there when she does leave.

If she managed to have two abortions without him finding out, she can definitely get a contraceptive. Obviously she needs to leave too, that goes without saying. It’s the same as anything though, you can take the horse to water… It’s her life to ruin if she so wishes, you can’t prevent that.

She can get the contraceptive injection without him knowing. Does she want to do that?

The copper coil is a fairly good contraceptive & very few women have any side effects. No hormones, so it doesn't affect weight.

Please try and persuade her to go for the contraceptive injection, as you already know , having a cheap with him will be disastrous for you and the child. Also please dont apologise for the weed comments, just because others "know people who smoke weed and they are fine"
doesn't mean it can't turn someone into a paranoid and violent piece of shit. It can and it does.
Hope you can get through to your sister xx

*having a child not a cheap!!

Implant or injection is the best idea, he might feel the strings of a coil.

I’m so confused because she knows what he is like! After an argument, she tells me how awful he is to her, and how she deserves better and that this time she means it but then she still goes back! I don’t know how he has a hold over her.

He has a tracker on her phone now, it wasn’t on there when she had the abortions.

Thank you for the suggestions on contraception, he is tracking her cycles as he is trying to get her pregnant. do you know if you still have periods with the coil please? I think I need to do some more research!

Yes you do still get regular periods with the copper coil.

Why not give Women's Aid a call, or your local GP/sexual health clinic and see if they can help you with getting her contraception in a way he doesn't find out about.

She could leave her phone at home for the duration of the trip, for instance.

@inmyslippers I’ve just figured out how to reply to you all individually! Thank you for your kind words, I’m sorry you found yourself in a similar situation.

@Sunnyqueen I apologised for my weed comment. We have tried to “welcome” him into our family, hoping she will get bored. My mother cooked a meal for us all and some of her jewellery went missing. We suspect he took it but we don’t have any proof. We are really struggling to be “accepting” of him.

@AquaticSewingMachine Thank you for your suggestions. Sometimes she says she wants to go on contraception but then worries about him finding out. I want to help her book an appointment but I’m worried she would cancel by the time it comes around and about wasting appointments!

@OurChristmasMiracle She knows what he’s like and still doesn’t leave, I just don’t understand. His Ex messaged her not long after they got together and warned her to stay away from him. He sold all the baby things whilst she was in hospital. She came home and had nothing! He claims she’s crazy and made it all up but I doubt it. Sounds like something he would do.

@Sartre He has since installed a tracker on her phone so we are trying to think of a way around it!

@CloseYourEyesAndSee She changes her mind all the time! If we make an appointment, I don’t know if she will turn up to it! Do you know of any walk in clinics maybe?

@LilianLenton Thank you, I am going to look into this now!

@ZealAndArdour Thank you for the suggestions! I am worried that Depo needs to be done regularly I think? Is an implant easy to hide?

An implant is going to be easier to hide once it’s in and has healed up but there may be bruising for a few days or so and she will need to keep it bandaged

I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it is really very difficult to get out once an abuser has their grasps on you. It took me a number of years to leave but eventually I did, having left a number of times before. The thing about abusers is they aren’t always abusive- sometimes they are nice and lovely and thoughtful because that’s what keeps you trapped. Then they will say things like “I only did it because you made me” and “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just love you so much….”

your sister will need you when she does finally leave him

I would take her to get the coil asap

Depo! She leaves her phone at yours whilst she nips out for her appointment or says she's seeing the doctor for a different reason.

And don't apologise for the weed comment, I know plenty of people who have been made severely mentally ill by smoking it daily. Sure, some people are ok on it. For others it can ruin their minds.
nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/there-link-between-marijuana-use-psychiatric-disorders

She will get pregnant again and have his baby. Probably multiple.
He will be a thoroughly shit father
and she will struggle to parent likely always prioritise his needs over hers and her children

I am sorry OP but the best you can do is you ensure you stay in her life and stay close for the sake of your future nieces and nephews

Also stop blaming weed, there are loads of people who have very successful careers and healthy, loving relationships that smoke it every day for years on end. I know quite a few. He's just a wanker and a loser, no excuses.

And there are plenty who smoke weed who are a complete waste of time and who suffer from mental health problems.

Unless you grow your own you have no idea what you are smoking. Maybe your successful friends have mini cannabis farms in their spare bedrooms.

Coil isn’t a good choice as he may feel the strings.

the risk of him trying to remove it is massive.

@helplessister It won’t really help I know, but it does take on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before it’s successful. So there is still hope your sister will eventually leave.

I know plenty of people where you can see the implant under the skin. I would not trust someone like him to not try and cut it out if he found it. And get the strings cut really short if she goes for a coil for the same reason. Depo sounds like the safer option even if it needs redoing more often.

I could see my implant so wouldn't do that. Depo provera seems to be the best route to stop pregnancy. Some women have periods and some don't, I do but my dd doesn't. She then needs to contact Womens Aid to get some help on leaving him.
I can feel the worry you have for her from your posts and hope she finds the strength to leave him

God this is awful. Fwiw you could swap phones when she goes for the depo and you take her phone to lidl or whatever she is 'meant' to be doing according to the abusive arsehole. But really it would be better if she left for good. Or he went to prison or something.