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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Return party invites

27 replies

Itsmypartyillcryifiwantto · 25/08/2022 10:44

Just venting really

daughter about to go into year two. Fair few parties over the last year, most of which were whole class parties in village hall type things, a few expensive activity ones which only all the girls or all the boys were invited to etc

Because of this, for our daughters sixth we invited all the girls in her class. She originally said there were a few she wasn’t bothered about inviting but when i explained about leaving people out etc she said it was fine. It shouldn’t be about the money, but it was a SUPER expensive party (not least because of how many girls we invited) and the girls were really spoiled.

Since then have found out two girls who came have since had parties where the vast majority of girls were invited and my daughter wasn’t. Their parents clearly don’t give two hoots about leaving people out - which to an extent I get (can’t have everyone etc) but to just leave out the kid who’s literally just invited you to theirs??

my daughters found out as her little bestie has been invited to both and the mum told me in all innocence presuming we’d been asked as it seems like everyone else has. Daughter is so upset 😭 no reason for leaving her out im aware of, not being naive, she’s a lovely kid

i really hate this playground politics stuff. Really not cut out for it. Last time I make that mistake and try to be nice and include those particular girls.

OP posts:
User354354 · 25/08/2022 10:49

You said yourself the Party for all the girls was expensive. Maybe the other parents couldn't afford to invite everyone.

Beamur · 25/08/2022 10:53

Try not to take it personally.
You set the example of inclusion to your DD. But there might be reasons why the other parties didn't include all the girls.
You and your DD need to accept this is how it will be sometimes. Have a strategy for dealing with the inevitable times she will be left out. Don't expect all invitations to be reciprocal.

TopGolfer · 25/08/2022 10:55

I think it’s a fairly standard thing to happen, in reception you often have the whole class or all the boys or girls, then it turns into about 8 or 10 for soft play and then in our case eventually 3 friends for something like Thorpe Park,

Dammitthisisshit · 25/08/2022 10:57

Yup, bad etiquette. We’re having a class party this year, previously haven’t but even when we don’t we invite close friends + those who’s parties she’s been to. Inevitably there are sometimes a few ‘misses’ like one we got invited to when we’d already sent the invites out for a party and it was too late to include them but we try our best not to exclude anyone that they’ve been to.

DillyDilly · 25/08/2022 11:03

When my kids were that age, if you had a smaller party than whole class, there was no pressure to invite everyone that had invited your child iykwim.

Invited to a party, bring a gift, job done. No need to extend an invitation back.

Original poster
Itsmypartyillcryifiwantto · 25/08/2022 11:04

I bet you can’t invite everyone all the time but surely if it comes down to it and you’ve got to leave someone out, you don’t leave out the kid who’s JUST had you to their party?

it makes me feel worse that daughters bestie has been invited tbh, because I know for a fact she’s not close to the girls who have had the parties, so I’m just a bit like ‘if they’re inviting her, why not my dd?’ It’s clearly not just for close friends ifyswim

OP posts:
GlueyMooey · 25/08/2022 11:07

It's hard to know. If it's literally just your daughter who wasn't invited then that's not ok but if a few weren't invited then I think it's ok. Sometimes parents will have a set number or say 10 guests and the kid has to pick ten. It's not that the people not invited are excluded more that there wasn't room.
I think you have to try and go with the flow with this type of thing. Chances are is just a numbers thing and not malicious.

HeartofTeFiti · 25/08/2022 11:13

I think I agree with your broadly OP but IME you have to just sigh and roll your eyes and ignore it, getting cross about it will get you absolutely nowhere.

Once you get past this age it matters less as you can just select a handful of people.

pennysarah · 25/08/2022 11:34

You don't invite people to a party to get one in return though. If your daughter is the only one not invited then that's an issue but if she's one of a few not invited then that's ok. Whether her bestie has been invited is a bit irrelevant- the parents of the birthday child don't need to consider who is friends with the other people they invite.

The party organisers/birthday child shouldn't feel they have to invite your daughter at the expense of another child just because you invited them to a party.

My children have missed out on party invites and we've not reciprocated invites in the past if numbers are small. It's inevitable once whole class parties are off the table. I'm afraid it's just one of those things.

Purpleforthewin · 25/08/2022 11:43

Do you know for sure it was only your daughter that was left out?

dmask · 25/08/2022 11:43

I’m not sure you can really compare the two. You had a big class party, it might be different if your child had just had a party with her close friends, then one of those close friends didn’t invite her to her party the following week. Personally I see class parties as a bit different and wouldn’t invite a child solely for the reason they’d invited mine to theirs.

skgnome · 25/08/2022 11:46

I get how you feel
my DD’s primary class had 12 girls (some years 11) so when the parents did a party where numbers were limited to 8 (quite common on party places in the area) the majority of the girls were invited except a couple - several times my daughter was not invited
sometimes, as in your case, just after her party!
it boils down to timing of the invites, what kid they played the week before the invites were sent, and of course which mums know each other
honestly I took it more personally than my DD - there was a particular girl that I had to invite every year (for about 4 years) who never reciprocated! But DD wanted her in her party, so be it
you never really know the rationale behind the “cut off” for the party - it’s never really personal… it’s hard but try to not let it get you

Mardyface · 25/08/2022 11:47

It is annoying and hurtful but people think differently about these things. You're not upset because it's not fair really are you? You're upset because DD feels bad. That's understandable but if she can deal with it now (acknowledge it's upsetting, think of reasons someone might not invite everyone or be able to, try to forget about it by doing something else) she is really setting herself up for a lifetime of resilience to this sort of stuff! It may well be bad or cow-y behaviour but it doesn't help to take it personally.

Original poster
Itsmypartyillcryifiwantto · 25/08/2022 15:47

@dmask we didn’t have a whole class party, we had all the girls, now dd’s being left out

thanks all, I know I’m taking this too personally, I need to toughen up but find her disappointment so upsetting (especially when the unfairness of it rankles!)

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 25/08/2022 15:54

In principle I agree with you OP and would always go with:

  • all the class or less than half, or
  • all the girls (or boys) or less than half

However I also agree with this:
I think I agree with your broadly OP but IME you have to just sigh and roll your eyes and ignore it, getting cross about it will get you absolutely nowhere

You did a nice thing in thinking about the kids' feelings and inviting all the girls. But you can only control your own behaviour, not other parents/kids. You will come across loads of mean or unthinking party behaviour over the years, and I think you just have to roll with it, and minimise it to your kids even when you feel upset yourself ("ah never mind, they were probably only allowed 8, we'll do X instead").

Original poster
Itsmypartyillcryifiwantto · 25/08/2022 17:26

thanks all!

OP posts:
Gottoomuchgoingon · 25/08/2022 18:21

We have a small group of girls and we all agreed to give £10 each for our immediate group. 2 years running now I've given one of girls £10 and not even received a happy birthday glide my DD let alone a card. Pisses me off

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 25/08/2022 18:24

So all the girls were invited but not your DD? Or only a few children were invited to these parties? If the latter then sadly I think that’s just life. If the former then it’s very harsh to invite all but one child.

Unorthofox · 25/08/2022 18:34

Hang on, so the other parties were not all the girls, or all the class?

Was your DD the only girl not invited?

I don't agree that inviting others entitles you to an invite back.

Maybe the other girls were given a number of people they could invite, say 10 or so. It might not be personal at all. They might have invited 8 class members and 2 cousins.

Does your DD have fall outs with any of her class? Or are they all friends?

Original poster
Itsmypartyillcryifiwantto · 25/08/2022 19:51

As far as I’m aware there haven’t been any fallouts

hard for me to say for certain but fairly sure dd is the only girl who hasn’t been asked

OP posts:
GlueyMooey · 25/08/2022 20:11

Might it have been a mistake? Inviting all the girls except one is unusual

Original poster
Itsmypartyillcryifiwantto · 25/08/2022 22:56

@GlueyMooey i don’t see how it would be tho?

OP posts:
sheepdogdelight · 25/08/2022 23:05

Look at it this way.

I'm organising a party for my DC. I tell them they can invite 10 guests.
My DC has been invited to 10 class parties.

Do I invite just those 10 children?
Do I invite the 5 children who had the most recent parties and 5 others of my choice?

What happens if you're a child with a birthday at the end of the year, so you haven't had a party yet?
What happens if you're a child whose parents can't afford parties at all?

Actually maybe I'll just invite the 10 children that my DC happens to like best that week (accepting that this might be different the following week). Nothing to do with playground politics and absolutely nothing personal.

Farmmum77 · 25/08/2022 23:39

I really do feel your pain, these things suck and seeing your little one hurt and left out is the worst 😢

Wenfy · 12/04/2023 17:46

I always try to do whole class parties at this age as it’s easier. If DC don’t get a reciprocal invite I view it as money saved from buying their present. But my kids parties don’t tend to break the bank.