To ask is this cold and heartless

[Asdson2022]

Dh mum suddenly died last year which devastated him to say the least. During that time we adopted a hamster from a friend who runs a small animal rescue. Dh became extremely attached to the hamster and hammy had the best of everything. I think because his mum passed away.
He found the hamster very poorly this morning and unfortunately the vet suggested to put him to sleep. Dh is devastated and looking at pictures of hammy on his phone while crying:(

I suggested that we pick up a new one today from friend as she's completely full and he obviously likes hamsters.

He called me cold and heartless and informed me that he doesn't want a new one. He just wants hammy back.
I was just trying to make him happy!!!

He knows that being called cold really hurts me. Which is why im so upset he called me it

How did he react to his mother's death?
Could this be a delayed reaction?

Or is he an irredeemable 4 year old?

Not cold and heartless, but very tactless.

Have you had pets before? It takes a while to get over the deaths and some bereavements are always painful, same with humans.

Most people generally don't feel ready to start looking for another pet for a few weeks at least.

Maybe this is cold and heartless but this seems very strange for a fully grown man to be over a hamster... I know his mother died but surely a hamster doesn't even come close to your actual mother.

I'm not sure this is about the hamster to be honest.

Even if this was purely about the hamster, people who really love their pets often need a bit of time to grieve them. It's really not a case of oh, it died, let's pop down to pets r us.

In your shoes I would apologise.

Why are people acting as if this man is strange for loving an animal? Small flurries can be wonderful companions

He found comfort in this creature and has now suffered another loss.

If it were a dog would you suggest going and getting another right away?

He needs to grieve his friend.

Maybe it wasnt quite heartless but it was a silly thing to say

That's sad. You aren't cold and heartless, perhaps said they wrong thing, but it was coming from a kind place.

Think people generally look at hamsters, gerbils etc. as not a real pet so can't understand it when someone grieves for the loss of one. They can be wonderful little things with loads of personality....like teeny tiny dogs really!

As pp suspect this isn't all about hammy but it was a bit tactless (and yes, a bit cold) of you, when a dog/cat passes people don't usually suggest getting another immediately.

I’d guess he isn’t just crying over the hamster per se but because of how he’s connected it emotionally to his mum’s death. So in his head, you’ve kind of almost suggested his mum is replaceable. It’s a bit tactless regardless, to suggest replacing a pet the same day the old one died, regardless. Most people need some time to be sad before they do that.

Are you cold? Its a strange thing to be regularly called.
Yeah suggesting getting a replacement for a pet that isn't even cold yet is, ironically, cold.

Yes thoughtless and cold. Apologise.

The hamster comforted him when his mum died. Of course he’s upset. And of course he doesn’t want to go out and get another one before it’s even cold. Yes, heartless.

The same day? It was too soon to suggest a replacement!

I think it’s a very slow day on Mumsnet…

Tactless yes i agree. I've alway thought he didn't grieve his mum well but instead became attached to a hamster ( He was adorable and very tame)
We haven't had pets before which doesn't help. I'm not a cold person just i keep on going regardless. He's always been a sensitive soul ( at times to much so) Which in normal times we balance eachother out.

It was insensitive. I’d apologise.

I did apologise when i realised how hurt he was btw

Yes, suggesting you immediately go out and get a new hamster was a bit tactless.

But a grown man's attachment to a hamster to this extent? That's not normal. There's got to be something else going on.

Has he been through the grieving process for his Mum properly? Has he had any counselling etc? Is he behaving oddly in other ways?

What’s wrong with being attached to a pet?

My mom is like you and will replace a pet instantly its not something I can understand but it's how she is it doesn't make her cold or unfeeling it is how she is

A little tactless given how attached he clearly was to it. You should have waited a bit.

It is however a very unusual reaction by an adult (especially a man, sexist as that is) to the death of a hamster. Is he often this emotional? Has he been OK otherwise recently? I'd be a bit concerned tbh.

When the first of my DD's gerbils died a few years back me and DH were inconsolable. My DD was fine though!

Dh and I have been the same when our guinea pigs have died. We are normal, well adjusted people.

It’s clear that some posters on this thread don’t understand that people can care deeply about their pets.

Of course it’s cold and heartless!
You don’t just act like it’s replaceable like it’s a stuffed toy.

Can you imagine if your mum died and someone said oh well you’ve still got your dad or why not see if you can get another mum instead.

You would have been better saying something associated with the dead hamster eg we could get a special box to bury it in or have a photo enlarged.

I’m sure it came from a caring place so just apologise and explain that you didn’t mean it that way, it was just because he looked after this hamster so well that another hamster would appreciate the same and it would be in memory of the other hamster.
But you realise now it way very insensitive to say it so soon.

It’s always difficult to know what to say when someone’s grieving. I don’t believe you are normally cold or heartless.