To ask is this cold and heartless

[Asdson2022]

Dh mum suddenly died last year which devastated him to say the least. During that time we adopted a hamster from a friend who runs a small animal rescue. Dh became extremely attached to the hamster and hammy had the best of everything. I think because his mum passed away.
He found the hamster very poorly this morning and unfortunately the vet suggested to put him to sleep. Dh is devastated and looking at pictures of hammy on his phone while crying:(

I suggested that we pick up a new one today from friend as she's completely full and he obviously likes hamsters.

He called me cold and heartless and informed me that he doesn't want a new one. He just wants hammy back.
I was just trying to make him happy!!!

The pet gave him something living to focus on as he was grieving. Something that gave him comfort and happiness, maybe reminded him of being a kid when his Mum was alive and well, and now it's gone.

'Oh, well, shall we go and get a replacement thing if you're bothered about it? It'll save having to chuck the rest of the bags of food and bedding away.' (I'm paraphrasing how he would have heard it).

Yes, that is cold.

Smaller, scaly, watery, spiky, multiple legged or scuttling animals are still living things, not disposable toys for children to learn about death from and can be replaced within a couple of hours. They're no different in that respect to fluffy, feathered or more intelligent ones. It's normal and healthy to develop attachments to pets; to treat pets that aren't cats or dogs as merely malfunctioning items isn't healthy.

A while after my DF died a character in The Archers died. I was ridiculously upset about it.

I realised afterwards that it was a kind of transposed grief. It was easy to be upset about the character.

The emotions around DF's death were more complicated. In the initial aftermath there was relief, anger, guilt but very little sadness. The fictional death allowed me to feel an uncomplicated sadness.

At least the hamster was real!

@Asdson2022 "I was just trying to make him happy!!!"

I think this is the bit that jumped out most to me.
Maybe I'm reading too much into your post but it sounds like you were uncomfortable with his difficult feelings so you were trying to fix them.
You can't make someone happy, you can empathise by joining them in their place and listening, but as soon as you go into trying to control someone's feelings, the walls will go up straight away and they are likely to have even more difficult feelings. Hence him then lashing out as a (poor) way of dealing with the heightened feelings.

Take care and remember to listen and via experiencing difficulty feelings together you will strengthen your relationship rather than weakening it

I couldn't cope with someone with so little emotional resilience that they couldn't cope with a hamster dying - they literally have a life span of a couple of years. Fine to be sad of course, but that's too much. I'd be wondering why he's so attached to a hamster but happy to call his own wife names. You were clearly trying to make him feel better and help out another homeless hamster and he only had to say 'no that wouldn't work for me thanks'. I'd find his behaviour totally emotionally dysfunctional tbh and suggest he needs professional help with it.

Where does it say he can’t cope? It happened today. Being upset is a normal reaction to something sad, especially if you’ve had to make the decision to put your pet to sleep.

It’s a fucking hamster. The best thing about them is their short lifespan.

Jesus, there really are some ice queens on here today.

I think it’s tactless to suggest getting a replacement pet on the very same day the previous pet dies. I would have thought that to be obvious.

He has lashed out in grief and I think you need to apologise.

Imagine being so lacking in....something....not sure what...friendships? Exposure to different personalities?.....during the emotional development phase of your life that you can't understand why someone might be upset over something you wouldn't be.

I find that quite sad 😞

Few Twatty McTwatfaces here.

When my last pet died I cried for 3 days. I didn't cry for 3 days even when my family member died! It was actually the only time I cried in 4 years...

He was attached, people can get attached, considering when you got the hamster, it's not just about hamster. Just let him deal with it in own pace and for the love of god, don't offer new pet anymore. It's not a broken cereal bowl.

For few people here
"Why don't men ever have or show care and feelings?"
"Eeew, what is he a 4 year old?"
Doomed of the do, dommed if they don't, eh

Hey similar username - I totally agree. Our dd’s hamster died a short while ago. It was a shame but we have a very poorly and deteriorating older relative who is loved by everyone and it seemed utterly ridiculous to grieve over a rodent during those circumstances.

I don't think it was cold and heartless to suggest a new hamster. Some people like to get a new pet ASAP after one dies and some people like to have a long gap, neither is wrong imo - just different ways of dealing with it. You just suggested a new one to see if it'd help. I'd agree it sounds like a displacement from his grief over his mum and maybe he's lashing out at you a bit.

I didn't cry when my brother was killed. It was more of an empty, helpless, realisation. Couldn't do anything about it, no more than I could when my grandfather died. It happened, I had no power over it, everything else was taken care of afterwards by professionals. I had no responsibility, morally, physically or legally to influence the outcomes.

Fucking cried when my cat was put to sleep, though. I'd hand reared her from 3 weeks old, spent more time with her through her life than I ever would have done with the humans, she adored me without exception, utterly trusted me with her entire existence and I had to tell somebody that I wanted them to kill her because it was the kindest thing for her, whatever my feelings about it. And I had to hold her whilst she purred and slipped away.

There's a difference between something happening and something you are directly responsible for. You don't have the power of life and death over people, but you do animals. It's your responsibility, nobody else's, yours. That does have an impact.

I don't think you were being cold and heartless to suggest getting another hamster.
No matter what the time lapse, no other hamster will replace the one who had to be put to sleep.
It'd be a different animal with different characteristics, another pet to love and have fun with.
I hope your DH will see this and allow himself to love another pet again after the loss of hammy.
I have lost many pets but still went on to get another. Not to replace the pet who died, but to continue to nurture and love and have fun with another pet.

It's as if your DH sees getting another hamster as some kind of disrespect to hammy, or that it would mean he didn't really love hammy.

Who named the hamster? (misses point of thread)....

If he wanted a pet to emotionally fill the void of his mother's death (!) a hamster, with their short lifespans, was a pretty stupid choice.

I'd find his behaviour totally emotionally dysfunctional tbh and suggest he needs professional help with it.

In the space of a few hours he found his much-loved pet suddenly ill, took it to the vet, and had to have it put to sleep. He's been going through an emotionally tough time in his personal life that would be difficult for anybody, and presumably this little animal helped him through it. He cried about losing the pet, looking at some old photos. When an immediate replacement was suggested on the day of its death, he was upset and said that was cold and heartless. I'm not seeing the emotional dysfunction here. It all seems well within the range of normal human reactions to me?

I think one poster has hit the nail on the head as to why some people are being so shitty about his upset

hes a man. He’s not supposed to be emotional. He needs to man up and not cry.

Yeah very tactless, I think you need to swallow your own upset about being called cold at heartless on this one

I don't t think it's just about the hammy is it .....

It's displaced grief .

Saying that tho I did grieve one of my pet rats ....had a massive personality and character and I really loved him ! So it's quite possible to get attached to any pet but I think this is more a case of it bringing back the feelings from losing his mum .

Just apologise, give him a hug and let him be.

Maybe a bit tactless. Believe it or not, hamsters really do have great personalities and can be nice pets, I was very sad when ours died. He's obviously still grieving for his mother as well, and minor in comparison as it might seem, it's still another loss added to his first. Maybe leave it a few weeks.

He knows that being called cold really hurts me. Which is why im so upset he called me it

you're upset about being called cold when what you said was pretty cold. (call it tactless if it makes you feel better)
It's not about you, it's about him.