How long can a sexless relationship last?

[emilynorthlondon]

First time post! Need some help to work out a plan.

It feels awful to say this but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to my DP. Been together 20 years, two DS (8 and 2). He has put a huge amount of weight on over the years (when we met he was L, he’s now XXL or sometimes XXXL), he’s suffered depression, he’s very lazy, he rarely showers and has bad dandruff. I never was massively physically attracted to him (we met at 19) it was always more about personality with him. We were friends first and got together after a drunken night out.

I am no goddess - 39 now and size 10-12 with lots of cellulite on my thighs and a terrible tummy from 2 horrific c sections. I used to be pretty but definitely lost it over the past few years as I’ve aged and my DS2 has been very hard work. I still look ok with my Spanx on and when I make an effort with nice outfit / make up etc.

I go out so much these days, I think it’s a kind of escape for me. We never go out together. I have never kissed or slept with anyone else during our relationship.

The thought of having sex with him now makes me feel sick. I used to get the urge when I was drunk as long as I knew he was clean but I honestly can’t even do that any more. Not sure if it’s peri- menopause kicking in too…

He has made comments that we never have sex and I’ve just told him I have no sex drive. He was putting a lot of pressure on me at one point after DS2 which turned me off even more and I just said to stop asking me and that I’d let him know when I was ready. I haven’t told him it’s him rather than me. If I do, he will go into a state of depression for weeks and tell me I’m tactless and rude. He’s very sensitive and can’t take any feedback on board so I just don’t give him any criticism at all any more.

I put on a lot of weight after DS2 was born (and went up to size 16). He didn’t say anything to me apart from ask me how long it would take me to lose the weight - I was very focused and did it over a year.

Sorry for long post. Not sure what to do now and how to approach it. Would appreciate some advice, especially from others who have been in a similar position.

Divorce?

And sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation - I would try gently speaking to him especially about hygiene and how it’s a turn off

I guess my questions would be do you love him? Do you want to make it work? Can you see yourself growing old with him?
if the answers are no then there’s your answer.
good luck op.

My question is how long would you like it to last?

i think WineIsMyMainVice sums it up. Ask yourself those questions and listen to your answers. A sexless marriage can work if both partners are ok with the lack of sex, they love one another, it’s an equal relationship, they enjoy one another’s company and respect one another.

I don’t think anyone should be allowed to force celibacy on someone else (you can’t have sex with anyone else because we are married but you can’t have sex with me either). It’s bullshit.

However, this isn’t even about sex. The man cannot even be bothered to keep himself clean. I would worry about your self esteem if you DID sleep with him.

His depression isn’t your problem sweetheart. Time for a heart to heart

That’s impossible to answer because it depends on how long it takes the one who wants to have sex to get so frustrated that they leave.

No sex in your relationship is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Also, 39 is not peri menopausal! Size 10-12 is gorgeous

So he can be obese but you cant be overweight after having a child?

Why doesn't he wash? Have you told him? Noone wants to have sex with an unclean person.

A honest conversation is required here.

I could not stay together with someone who is putting their health at risk and doesn't look after themselves.

I certainly wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship unless I really loved them and they had an illness or disability for example that prevented a physical relationship.

His depression is clearly a concern that you need to discuss.

Do you still love him? Do you want to try and work it out?

And no you don't have to have sex/stay in the relationship. I would probably called it a day already.

Thanks. This is really useful stuff. I feel less of a cow now. I would rather stay together for the sake of the kids, but you’re right, it can’t go on like this and I need to see if he is willing to change…

The first thing - You should 100% be honest with him.

As hard as it will be for him to hear it - and I appreciate also it'll feel even harder for you to say it, he needs to know the truth as to why you feel this way.

Once he understands it, he can choose whether or not to do something about it. The likelihood is that he'll either sink or swim. It may be that the former happens first, and at that point if you love him and want to keep your family together, support him through it.

I'm very sorry for you. It's hard when you are watching someone you love slowly fade from the person you fell for. But he can get back to it. He just needs his eyes opened.

If it is purely these physical things then I would suggest that the pain of raising them is less than letting the relationship die. I would first talk to him about the showering and dandruff issues because they must be fixable in the immediate future.

Obviously weight loss is a very long term commitment that will not be easy to discuss with someone who is reacting so emotionally to any criticism and it might not be a good idea to link this to the lack of sex. If you are worried about his health then it is legitimate to raise it in this way. Presumably you would both like him to be able to actively take part in parenting your DC and continuing to neglect his physical health won't help with that.

I have struggled with no sex drive myself and at times it felt purely like a physical revulsion but my own issue was actually the lack of emotional and practical support while I was the primary parent. When I had spent all evening doing the menial house jobs, juggling children, and feeling touched out by a toddler, I could not switch modes to be present for my husband. I resented sex for feeling like another chore to tick off on my list of never ending tasks, yet at the same time the less I wanted it the less my husband engaged and the cycle perpetuated.

This might not be relevant to your situation at all but I wouldn't discount the emotional side of sex in a long term relationship. If your DP is depressed and not physically or mentally present then you are more likely to focus on the flaws and lose your romantic interest. Equally he may be overwhelmed with tasks and responsibilities and unable to sort out his own hygiene and health as a result. It can be very hard to be objective about sharing the work with small children around and both parties can end up feeling like they are carrying the other.

As others have said, you should consider whether you truly want to be together for the future. It's OK if you don't want to be in this relationship any longer, even though you have young DC together, and if you feel that you would be better off as just friends then that would be a perfectly good base for co-parenting apart. If you want to stay together then I would suggest that improving communication in your relationship separate to the lack of sex may be the best place to start and that the intimacy may well follow.

If you cannot have an open conversation with him without it causing a dark mood then he may need outside help with this. It is also worth considering if he is using his mental health to manipulate or control you.

@emilynorthlondon

Obviously, the reason you are in a sexless marriage is due to your husband's lack of hygiene and self-care. That situation will remain all the time he does not do something about his issues, unfortunately. The only real choices you have if he doesn't change are to stay as you are or leave and have a life worth living.

I say this as someone, who due to his wife's health issues, has lead a sexless married life for over 15 years. Nothing she can possibly do will change our situation and I have learnt to accept that it is what we have. Not what I would have chosen but here we are. If she had a way to change the situation, but refused to, I would be looking at things very differently.

Your husband basically doesn't give a shit about you. If he did then hygiene and cleanliness would be a discussion he would be happy to have. So what if he thinks you're tactless and rude, surely the only person being rude is him expecting sex when he's a filthy bastard? I do think you need to have that discussion as you will only regret wasting your life. You cannot go back and relive any time you've wasted. you're 39 and still have so much to look forward to.

Good luck.

Sex is just part of a much bigger problem with your relationship...

Your husband is lazy, lacks personal hygiene and seems unwilling to address his mental health issues or do anything to improve his life in general. No wonder you are no longer attracted to him.

He is a grown adult and you should not have to sort his life out for him.

Frankly it sounds like it is time for you to go your separate way. That's what I would do.

But if you really want to give him a last chance to change, have an honest conversation, tell him you are unhappy and that you expect him to do (seek support for his mental issues, improve his hygiene, contribute to the partnership). Make it clear that you will leave if he does not sort himself out and be prepared to carry this through.

Please don't stay together because of the kids. They won't thank you and they will model future behaviours and relationships on what they see growing up. They will think it's normal to be lazy and dirty. And that the lack of respect and affection in a marriage is normal.

And as for him asking when you will lose weight when he's massively obese....fuck this shit.

There's no rule for this. Some sexless marriages survive happily for decades, others fizzle out within months. It entirely depends on what the couple wants from their marriage.

That said, based on what you've written here the lack of sex isn't the primary issue, its a symptom of the fact that your DH has no respect either for himself or for you.

Lack of basic hygiene, refusal to do the bare minimum to safeguard your health for your family's sake, pressuring a spouse into sex, pressuring a spouse to lose weight (when you can't be bothered to do the same yourself) are all indicative of an individual who is either chronically selfish or has checked out of the marriage. Or both.

Others have suggested talking to him and I suppose you will have to but TBH I think the ship has sailed. I find it hard to believe anyone could be stupid enough to fail to join the dots between their total slobbishness and your lack of attraction. If he lacks even that basic self awareness then what is the point of being married to him, with or without sex?

As for staying together for the children... staying with a sex pest who can't be bothered to wash or take care of himself sends a very poor signal to your children.

I think you know what you have to do.

"I haven’t told him it’s him rather than me. If I do, he will go into a state of depression for weeks and tell me I’m tactless and rude. He’s very sensitive and can’t take any feedback on board so I just don’t give him any criticism at all any more."

"I put on a lot of weight after DS2 was born (and went up to size 16). He didn’t say anything to me apart from ask me how long it would take me to lose the weight - I was very focused and did it over a year."

So he's managed to emotionally manipulate you to the point where you can't discuss problems in your relationship openly with him. But he can freely comment on your weight after giving birth?

It sounds like the lack of sex isn't the problem here. What does "go into a state of depression for weeks" actually mean? If he's not bothering to shower regularly, is he not depressed right now?

There are some harsh comments on here .
I agree his hygiene is t great but that is down to depression and that is what needs to be addressed once that's addressed the rest follows suit . He doesn't care about himself because he feels worthless . When your that down you don't care about your appearance, some don't want to get out of bed , days , weeks some longer . He needs help not someone bailing on him . If you truly feel you can't be with him and you don't love him then I agree with the rest , leave him .
He needs someone who can help him through this and know there is a way out of it .
The reason he is seeking attention is because he wants to know if your still there for him . He needs that reassurance. It's not an easy ride to get him through this , he needs specialist care with medication, it won't just go one day .
You have to decide what it is that's best for you and your family but he needs to be pointed to the right direction for help .

All of this. I think you need to leave this relationship. He sounds quite manipulative.

Sorry for the delay replying. Been working today and only just checked back. Woh this is brutal. But it’s true and it’s what I need to hear. I feel quite angry now. Going to try and talk to him later this week. Thanks very much for your comments, I really appreciate it

You've got nothing to lose. Talk to him, see if he's willing to change and sticks to it. If not, divorce. If you've never really been physically attracted to him it's unlikely even if he does change that you'll magically be fixed. You don't have to live like this

Firstly you’re a size 10, aged 39
and you’ve got a c section scar like a million other women in the country
why are you talking about yourself like you’re a hideous beast? Is it because when you had a baby your slob of a husband made clear the priority should be how you look ….for him. And he saw you trying to lose weight and at no point thought he could do something about his own appearance since clearly it’s important to him? You just have to deal with anything (but he doesn’t) and you can’t speak about it. Because it’s not fair to him. Even though it sounds like he’s doing nothing to help himself

i think it’s unfair on him and you to tell him it’s your sex drive that’s the issue when that isn’t the case. I think he deserves to know the truth and you deserve to not take the blame, and if you want to repair your marriage that’s your only option really.

I think it would be really cruel to say all of this unless you could actually see yourself wanting to have sex with him again if he changed. If you don't then maybe tell him gently during a break up but not as harshly as some have on here. Weight gain and poor hygiene are of course turn offs but some people's wording is unnecessarily harsh for someone who has been rejected.