How long can a sexless relationship last?

[emilynorthlondon]

First time post! Need some help to work out a plan.

It feels awful to say this but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to my DP. Been together 20 years, two DS (8 and 2). He has put a huge amount of weight on over the years (when we met he was L, he’s now XXL or sometimes XXXL), he’s suffered depression, he’s very lazy, he rarely showers and has bad dandruff. I never was massively physically attracted to him (we met at 19) it was always more about personality with him. We were friends first and got together after a drunken night out.

I am no goddess - 39 now and size 10-12 with lots of cellulite on my thighs and a terrible tummy from 2 horrific c sections. I used to be pretty but definitely lost it over the past few years as I’ve aged and my DS2 has been very hard work. I still look ok with my Spanx on and when I make an effort with nice outfit / make up etc.

I go out so much these days, I think it’s a kind of escape for me. We never go out together. I have never kissed or slept with anyone else during our relationship.

The thought of having sex with him now makes me feel sick. I used to get the urge when I was drunk as long as I knew he was clean but I honestly can’t even do that any more. Not sure if it’s peri- menopause kicking in too…

He has made comments that we never have sex and I’ve just told him I have no sex drive. He was putting a lot of pressure on me at one point after DS2 which turned me off even more and I just said to stop asking me and that I’d let him know when I was ready. I haven’t told him it’s him rather than me. If I do, he will go into a state of depression for weeks and tell me I’m tactless and rude. He’s very sensitive and can’t take any feedback on board so I just don’t give him any criticism at all any more.

I put on a lot of weight after DS2 was born (and went up to size 16). He didn’t say anything to me apart from ask me how long it would take me to lose the weight - I was very focused and did it over a year.

Sorry for long post. Not sure what to do now and how to approach it. Would appreciate some advice, especially from others who have been in a similar position.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful person just from how much thought and detail you put into your post. So I think you should LTB you won’t suddenly fancy him again whatever he does.

Please don't stay together because of the kids. They won't thank you and they will model future behaviours and relationships on what they see growing up. They will think it's normal to be lazy and dirty. And that the lack of respect and affection in a marriage is normal.

I really agree with this. I did the staying for the sake of my DC. My DD is now in a marriage that is even more poisonous than ours. My marriage was almost a blueprint of my parents. In neither case did I have the insight to see, until too late, that there was a cycle of there was no blueprint of what a healthy relationship involved. DD said she knew from early on I didn’t love her father. It was have been so much better for all of us had I called time on the marriage at least 15 years before I eventually did.

Sorry about all the typos