To report my ex stepmum to social services?

[worriedsister1]

Hello

I'm looking for some advice.

I have 3 half siblings aged 15, 14 and 13.

The 13 year old is ADHD diagnoses and hasn't been to school in 3 years, he has told me he does no school work at home. He plays Xbox until 3/4am then sleeps until the afternoon however he does go out and socialise with local friends.

The 14 year old has broken away from her Mum and is always out with friends (especially now in the holidays since all of her friends are off school) she hasn't been to school in 2 years.

The 15 year old, I don't know where to begin. She was diagnosed with mild dyspraxia and learning difficulties when she was a toddler. However she was a bubbly, funny little girl with lots of friends at school. Since she was around 8, she has a fear of everything. Lifts, escalators, anything that flies or crawls, boats, planes, she won't eat in public places as she's convinced the food is poisoned. She won't drink unless it's out of one particular cup and she's made the drink herself. She hasn't been to school in 5 years. Has no friends whatsoever, she barely leaves her room, she barely washes, won't attend her CAHMS appointments, lashes out over the tiniest thing, she wants to be "anorexic", she hates herself, she's spiteful to the 14 year old. Instead of being told she can achieve anything she puts her mind to, maybe she'll need a little extra help but she can do it, she's been told she cannot do this and she cannot do that because of her dyspraxia and learning difficulties. This has resulted in her becoming a hermit, deeming herself a failure before she's even tried and she dislikes herself.

Their Mum has had them all medicated from toddlers on something or another, my Dad ended up pushing back when they were turning up to his with sleeping tablets, tranquilisers etc which has meant that only the middle one wants to come and stay now.

He sees the other two every weekend (ex stepmum moved them 40 miles away and told him a week before) as he used to see them 3 times a week and have then every other weekend.

He's tried and tried to help my stepmum, speak to the kids, he's offered support and help but this results in her blocking my Dad for months so they can't communicate. She left him after having their 3rd child and said it's because he didn't want anymore (she's never gone on to have anymore).

I'm just extremely worried and it breaks my heart, my dad has once again been blocked after the middle child came to stay Thursday-Monday and because the eldest didn't want to come as she has rules here (no phone after 10pm only books or she can watch tv, eating at the dinner table) she has lashed out saying nobody loves her even though Dad had been encouraging her to come and stay. Now we are all blocked on this side of the family.

I don't know what to do but as an adult with depression which developed in my teen years, it's breaking my heart to see her like this, and I'm worried about the other 2 with no education.

Do.

Contact the early help service at the county council where they live, or get their dad to do it. If they haven't been at school for that long then they will either be registered with the same council as home educated or they will be on the radar of the pupil investigation team (your dad would likely know this as both parents can be fined for non attendance at school)
Presuming your dad is on their birth certificates, he can contact the local authority about their schooling and have this looked into. Early Help are useful as they can give assistance before it gets to the stage of a full blown social services referral. I'd also suggest your dad finds out if they already have a social work or child and family worker assigned to the family.

Yes, I would.

It’s not really early help when the children haven’t been to school for years.

Yes. - more importantly why hasn't your dad contacted social services or taken her to court? This is clear child abuse.

@Lightuptheroom they had a social worker who was updating my Dad regularly then she emailed one day to say she had left there and they were "feral".

He had a letter about being fined, he contacted them to say he could not physically drive there every morning to get them to school as he works full time and they'd moved so far, he asked for advice and then he never heard back.

He's asked for advice and help from social services, they said they aren't able to do anything unless the children are in danger. He asked for that in writing and they sent him a letter.

It's like nobody is listening and my Dad is depressed and sad over it, my stepmum doesn't know how to help because avenues have lead to dead ends. It's all a mess.

@GoneWithTheWine1 he doesn't have the money to go to court, he pays £850 per month child maintenance and the rest of his wage covers his house and bills.

Has there been no intervention by the authorities over them not attending school for years?

Are the children registered as home educated? Their mother should be providing some sort of annual update to the coucil if they are.
Has your dad not contacted social services to see who their new allocated SW is? A child in need plan is unlikely to just end simply because the SW left.
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If they were in school and then withdrawn they will be known to the Education Team. You could try contacting the children missing Education team (cme) at the council to see if that sparks some action. If the attendance team was already in contact with him as the non resident parent then it's likely some sort of action such as a school attendance order if they have failed to register at a school or attendance prosecution was at least started. Your dad could also male a request to the r ouncil re personal data for the children

Your dad could self rep if he felt the children were at risk, ultimately they are his kids and if he is worried but taking no action then he is helping keep them in those circumstance.
If he is paying £850 a month CM that suggests a salary of around £60k if paying CMS minimum so is he sure there is no financial wiggle room to go to court.

This is failure to thrive and SS should be notified and take action.
Those poor kids are wasting their lives away, their mother sounds deplorable.

Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts.

@HobnobsChoice he doesn't earn 60k. My stepmum has told me that once he pays child maintenance, he is left with £2200 which just covers the mortgage and bills/car.

This is what I'm saying, every avenue appears to be a dead end and he doesn't know what to do next, which is partly why I'm asking for advice too.

@OnaBegonia this is just a little bit of the battles we've had over the years.

Making my other sister wear nappies to bed until she was 10 convincing her that she would wet herself (she was fully potty trained as a young toddler). That all stopped when she accidentally packed nappies for her weekend stay with my Dad and my sister cried when he found them and said she hated wearing them and my dad hit the roof with the mum.

There's been lots of worrying things like this.

Ok, your dad needs to contact children's services where they live with his concerns and make himself known to them. As a PP said, child in need plans don't just close because a social worker leaves. At the minimum they are likely to be known to the education team so he could also start there.

I would call but sounds like maybe their mother is struggling too and needs help. It's not easy raising kids and even harder when they have additional needs.

Had your dad tried to get custody of them? Pay the minimum CMS or other legal agreement tells him
to and use the rest to get a solicitor to get the kids out of there, into his care and back into education. Surely if your dad is willing to be the primary caret no judge in their right mind would want them to stay with their mum in those circumstances.

Your dad needs to stop making excuses and apply to the court for full residency. He's as shit as she is until he does.

I know I seem to be going against what everyone else has said but as someone who’s home educated a child with autism and a number of other health issues with a pda profile I guess I’m seeing it from the mum’s point of view. It can be really difficult when you have a child with special needs who doesn’t cope in school but then refuses to learn at home too. Sometimes you have to educate in a stealthy way where the child doesn’t feel that they’re learning and so if asked, they’d tell you they hadn’t done any ‘school’ work.
In my experience, as a home educator, it’s very difficult to get GP referral for things like cahms and assessments for adhd for example so the fact that the children have had cahms involvement and assessments for their different issues indicates that she must be being proactive in this (unless it was your dad who did this). I have had to push and push for any intervention for my dd.
What you say about the 14 year old ‘breaking away’ from her mum sounds weird too, aren’t 14 year olds supposed to be out with their friends all summer?
I’m not trying to pick holes in what you said but to suggest maybe you’re not getting the full picture.
A call to the the home ed team from your dad would reassure him/you though. As a pp has said, they will carry out annual contact and will do this sooner if your dad calls them with a concern.

Potentially step mum is also neurodivergent and struggling to cope - three children who have high levels of need is hard work. I’d report but as it’s rather be cautious than live with the potential consequences of saying nothing. I also agree that dad should look into what else he can do, such as compressing his hours to be around more.

Thank you everyone.

I understand all of your points of view and opinions.

What I will say is, my Dad never wanted to leave, they were happy and she filed for divorce and told him/us/family and friends that it was because he refused to have a 4th child with her (would have been his 5th because he has me too). He tried for 2 years to get the family back together and then she met somebody and he backed off (that was over 6 months later).

He has constantly reached out to her, my stepmum has even reached out offering to help, even to come and help her clean or if she needs the childrens laundry done, if she'd like her to batch cook food etc. he sees them every weekend and the middle one stays every other weekend, my brother will stay occasionally for example last weekend as my Dad took him sea fishing with some other men in the family.

When my grandparents were alive, they offered to have the children any time so she could go back to work maybe part time if she wanted to or even to go and meet friends for some shopping or lunch.

All of this is refused. The only help she accepts is financial help. My dad can message something simple like "how have the kids been today?" and she will block him and that's it for a couple of months until she decides to unblock him.

It's all really complex and shit.

This is all very one sided op. You don't seem to understand the first thing about additional needs or home education.

For those saying that the authorities will be aware that the children are not attending school that is not true. I am an LSA youngsters who have dropped out of mainstream education. Until I began this job I had no idea how many there are. We are innundated with applicants this year. They are the lucky ones who have responsible adults helping them. Children such as your siblings can easily slip through the net. There are not the resources to pursue the parents, who cannot or will not pay fines or engage in anyway and moving house ensures they can remain hidden. The best thing you and your DF can do is report, report, report! Local authority education dept, GP, Health Visitor, Social Services anyone you can think of. Be a PITA and don't be fobbed off. Apply for custody and ask about 'online school' so they can at least learn something when they visit. The children will thank you one day.

@WhereToGo1 I meant she's broke away as in she doesn't listen to her mum when she tells her that lifts, escalators aren't safe, that all flying and crawling insects will bite/sting, that she should wear a nappy in case she wets herself in bed. Apart from not going to school, she is a normal 14 year old, lots of friends, enjoys being at dads and running with my stepmum, watches football with my Dad, comes for lunch with me etc.

The 15 year old cannot do any maths, the 13 year old can barely read or write. My dad has asked them what have you learnt about recently and they'll say nothing and are adamant they don't do school work. They go online or play Xbox or sleep.

@LilacPoppy so you wouldn't be concerned if your sisters and brother hadn't attended school in years? 1 of them won't leave her room and wants to be anorexic, mum has no control over her so she won't attend any of the appointments that are given to them, 2 of them are out with friends or staying up until all hours playing Xbox instead of school.

Home education? They don't learn anything. The last time my Dad asked their mum how it's going, she blocked him. The 14 year old is old enough to know if she's being taught anything or not, she has told my dad and stepmum that they do not do any work, reading, writing, maths, they don't do any online classes, workbooks. She is very open about this.

Thank you @frami

@worriedsister1 Ah sorry I misunderstood, that’s great that she’s been able to break away in that sense then.
As I’ve said, I have some experience of similar things and if a 14 year old refuses to attend an appointment then apart from physically wrestling them into the car and dragging them in there, which isn’t possible in reality, there isn’t much else you can do. Anxiety over appointments is so, so common in neurodiverse kids. If she’s managed to get them an appointment with cahms in the first place then she definitely would’ve been doing a lot of leg work. They’re notoriously hard to get on board, especially when you don’t have a school to back you up to say that your children need to be seen.
I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t have concerns, but as someone who’s lived this life a bit my heart does go out to the mum. Raising one child with similar issues to your brothers and sisters is difficult, I can’t imagine raising three as a single parent.