To report my ex stepmum to social services?

[worriedsister1]

Hello

I'm looking for some advice.

I have 3 half siblings aged 15, 14 and 13.

The 13 year old is ADHD diagnoses and hasn't been to school in 3 years, he has told me he does no school work at home. He plays Xbox until 3/4am then sleeps until the afternoon however he does go out and socialise with local friends.

The 14 year old has broken away from her Mum and is always out with friends (especially now in the holidays since all of her friends are off school) she hasn't been to school in 2 years.

The 15 year old, I don't know where to begin. She was diagnosed with mild dyspraxia and learning difficulties when she was a toddler. However she was a bubbly, funny little girl with lots of friends at school. Since she was around 8, she has a fear of everything. Lifts, escalators, anything that flies or crawls, boats, planes, she won't eat in public places as she's convinced the food is poisoned. She won't drink unless it's out of one particular cup and she's made the drink herself. She hasn't been to school in 5 years. Has no friends whatsoever, she barely leaves her room, she barely washes, won't attend her CAHMS appointments, lashes out over the tiniest thing, she wants to be "anorexic", she hates herself, she's spiteful to the 14 year old. Instead of being told she can achieve anything she puts her mind to, maybe she'll need a little extra help but she can do it, she's been told she cannot do this and she cannot do that because of her dyspraxia and learning difficulties. This has resulted in her becoming a hermit, deeming herself a failure before she's even tried and she dislikes herself.

Their Mum has had them all medicated from toddlers on something or another, my Dad ended up pushing back when they were turning up to his with sleeping tablets, tranquilisers etc which has meant that only the middle one wants to come and stay now.

He sees the other two every weekend (ex stepmum moved them 40 miles away and told him a week before) as he used to see them 3 times a week and have then every other weekend.

He's tried and tried to help my stepmum, speak to the kids, he's offered support and help but this results in her blocking my Dad for months so they can't communicate. She left him after having their 3rd child and said it's because he didn't want anymore (she's never gone on to have anymore).

I'm just extremely worried and it breaks my heart, my dad has once again been blocked after the middle child came to stay Thursday-Monday and because the eldest didn't want to come as she has rules here (no phone after 10pm only books or she can watch tv, eating at the dinner table) she has lashed out saying nobody loves her even though Dad had been encouraging her to come and stay. Now we are all blocked on this side of the family.

I don't know what to do but as an adult with depression which developed in my teen years, it's breaking my heart to see her like this, and I'm worried about the other 2 with no education.

Totally this! Thank you for saying the things im thinking. I home educate our son who is neurodiverse and has high anxiety.

Thank you for your advice.

I will speak to Dad and hopefully we can pull together as a family to offer my stepmum the help she needs if she wants it, and to get the children the education they need as well as more help for my older sister who seems to be suffering from depression (recognising behaviours and traits of this that I had at her age).

Their Mum has had them all medicated from toddlers on something or another, my Dad ended up pushing back when they were turning up to his with sleeping tablets, tranquilisers etc

As a parent of a child with complex SEN and high anxiety I find this fascinating to read because we have been told up to this point that our son (6) couldn’t have medication and it is rare to medicate young children and once they are they need to be closely monitored by a paediatrician.

I feel your frustration. You think you are doing the right thing but I’m sorry OP in fact you sound judgemental of anything beyond ‘Mainstream’

Home education takes on many forms and a laid back and unschooling lifestyle ( following own interests) works very well for many children with Sen. They may say that they are ‘not learning’ but really how do you know? And who are you to judge what they should be learning?
I was a primary school teacher myself before I had the children. My son is 6 and he can’t read or write, he has limited numeracy knowledge and understanding. But he is learning so many skills in many other ways.

You are judging the mum as not raising them well but in your own words The 14 year old is just like any other normal of her age. So shouldn’t this be a success story?

Following stricter rules with your dad will be very hard for them especially if they are nerurodiverse. Flexibility and kindness are key! Its most likely that the mum isnt purposefully trying to neglect them - how do you know her laid back approach isn’t all from a place of love and care? And that another stricter/more formal approach would send their mental and emotional well-being into a greater decline.

The nappy story - my 6 nearly 7 year old still wears nappies at bedtime ( he insists) even though he’s been using the toilet confidently from 3. How do you know it was the mum ‘forcing’ her to? Maybe she was embarrassed when they were found and that story was just easier to tell?

If they are known to the LA then the mum will have to provide a yearly home Ed report.

Do you know why they stopped going to school? -many children with Sen find school too overwhelming and have school refusal. This can be so tough on everyone in the family.

I think that the reason she has shut you all out is that she feels judged, criticised and not supported. She is most probably neurodiverse herself and overwhelmed. She needs kindness.

Suggesting that your dad should file for custody - just from what I have read here in the OP that would never work! And I can see how unhappy it would make everyone. How do you truly know she isn’t trying her best in a very challenging situation?

For the social worker who used the term ‘feral’ well how supportive! My goodness there really needs to be more understanding for neurodiverse families! But at the same time they said that they can’t do anything because the ‘children are not at any harm’
This speaks volumes! We were also told this by SS when we tried to seek support ourselves!

If you truly want to help- Please, please try to be kind and build up trust with her /them! Then you can work collaboratively with the mum/your siblings instead of against them. Best of luck