Husband always puts DD to bed late

[HolyCow83]

Aibu here. Have a 10 month and a 3 year old DD who has just dropped naps. She’s knackered at the end of the day and needs to go to bed. I am bf the baby to sleep and need DH to put the 3yo down..I do dinner for both at 6.15 and at 7pm start bedtime. He comes down from work at 7. Surely DD could be in bed by 7.30. On nights when I do both I manage to get her done in 20-30mins. I request this to him - she needs to go to bed ASAP but still he faffs around and takes an entire hour sometimes even without a bath, reading multiple stories and taking ages. It’s driving me insane. He tells me it’s not my business, he is doing his best etc. He starts going crazy if I pick up on it. Literally no idea how to get her to bed earlier. We have to wake her up in the morning often to get her ready for childminders. Help!

Kids are always knackered after dropping a nap. It’s simplistic to assume that more sleep at night will fix everything - the problem is often that they just aren’t used to staying awake for that long chunk in the day. An earlier bedtime won’t fix that. It’s so tough when they drop that nap but it gets better.

what is really hard for a child is being around a parent who is stressed. @HolyCow83 It might be worth making sure you don’t accidentally make a nice hour with dad reading stories hour into a stressed and rushed half hour. From your oh’s POV, he will be aware that every minute after 730, you are listening and getting more and more critical of him.

Why have you dropped the nap if she is so tired?

I think you sound too controlling, he probably enjoys spending time with his DD, and she with him.

Leave him alone. You're not his line manager. He's also her parent, and is doing a good job. A lot of men would not do much if they get home at 7, I know I'd want to have a cuppa and wind down for half an hour.

My dh is exactly the same. I put the younger to bed (breastfeeding too) and he does the older lo. I don't say anything generally, but occasionally if my older lo is really tired, I'll just put him to bed myself before the younger lo to make sure he gets that early night. If you feel your oldest is really need of some extra sleep, perhaps try doing that once or twice a week to give her extra catch up time. It's hard when they drop their nap initially. My oldest was going to bed at 6.30pm for a bit after dropping it, but he soon adjusted and became more resilient.

I agree that your dh should be able to do his thing without criticism, but I also get what it's like when you're the main one with the kids and see (and feel!!) the effects that over tiredness can have on a young child. You want them to feel rested and I hate seeing mine get all worked up because they're dead on their feet.

How much of the parenting decisions are inside his control?

The downside to making yourself the default parent who makes all the parenting decisions and doesn't like your DH do it his own way is that in years to come you will be making all of the decisions, carrying all of the mental load with a DH who no longer tries to do anything due to the criticism. You only need to look at the relationships board to understand what happens next.

You say sometimes he doesn't give her a bath. Does she need a bath every night? Has he looked at her, made a decision that she doesn't need a bath and you are frustrated with this because you always give her a bath and you aren't considering that just because its in the routine doesn't mean it doesn't have to be.

If she is tired the next day then 30 mins wont make that much difference, there's no guarantee she will even drop off 30 mins quicker if he put her to bed at 7, especially if she is excited from seeing her dad and wanting more stories.

He's right though, its not his business. One parent has put the child to bed in the timescale they think appropriate, with the routine they think appropriate. Your way isn't always the right way just because you are the mum, its just your way.

How would you feel if your DH suddenly started criticising all your parenting routines?

At what time does she have to get up?

I'm also always on at dh to put DD to bed earlier but in this case I think if she's spending quality time with her, reading stories, etc then it's worth the extra half an hour. Otherwise all the time he spends with her in the day is just rushing to get bedtime done, which isn't good or pleasant for either of them. Both parents need some time to relax and have fun with their child.

Out of interest - you say she is tired but you also say she has just dropped naps

Was dropping naps a joint decision?
Was there a conversation with your DH about shortening the bedtime routine temporarily to make up for the lack of naps?

Or did you decide by yourself to drop naps, not discuss it or the consequences with your DH and when your child was tired start blaming it on his bed time routine which as far as he was concerned was working perfectly well up until that point?

Was dropping naps a joint decision?

In fairness, dropping naps is usually a unilateral decision by the child, and perfectly normal when they are 2 or 3.

Fair point, and I wasn't trying to imply it wasn't normal to drop naps at that age

It just feels like (and without the OP confirming I could be totally wrong of course) that naps were stopped for whatever reason, which means the OP thinks bedtimes need to be sooner to compensate but instead of explaining that to her DH she is telling him his routine is wrong and takes to long.

To be fair to the OP she has a two little ones and is probably sleep deprived and no one is perfect and her DH could be an arse for all I know. I just think shes risking making herself the default parent and thinker in the relationship.

It’s much nicer for him to spend the time with her!

Maybe the routine takes longer because she enjoys spending that time with her dad?

We do a similar thing (me with baby, DH with toddler) but when we swap over, DD1 and I sing songs in the bath, chat about the day, chat about the next day, play with bath toys, then in her room she has a longer cuddle with me and sometimes asks for an extra story. I'm not going to say no to that (as long as it's not 5 extra stories!)

It's too late for your 3 year old!

You said he "comes down from work". Is he working from home, and is it flexible? Could he come and help with bedtime earlier and then go back to work for a bit afterwards?
That way you could shift everything a bit earlier, and he could have more quality time with DD and still get her to bed early enough. If he can come down in time to eat with you, too, that saves on prepping meals.

My DH used to do that when DD was that age - he worked two minutes away - because she needed dinner and bed earlier than was possible if we waited for him to be home.

If he won't put her at the time you want, could you put her to bed while he looks after the baby?

He might want to spend an hour with her instead of 20 mins.

Kid will not die from sleeping 30-45 mins late!!