Husband always puts DD to bed late

[HolyCow83]

Aibu here. Have a 10 month and a 3 year old DD who has just dropped naps. She’s knackered at the end of the day and needs to go to bed. I am bf the baby to sleep and need DH to put the 3yo down..I do dinner for both at 6.15 and at 7pm start bedtime. He comes down from work at 7. Surely DD could be in bed by 7.30. On nights when I do both I manage to get her done in 20-30mins. I request this to him - she needs to go to bed ASAP but still he faffs around and takes an entire hour sometimes even without a bath, reading multiple stories and taking ages. It’s driving me insane. He tells me it’s not my business, he is doing his best etc. He starts going crazy if I pick up on it. Literally no idea how to get her to bed earlier. We have to wake her up in the morning often to get her ready for childminders. Help!

I would have lost the will to live if I were him. Give the guy a break.

I don’t agree that it’s micromanaging anyone. Children need a certain amount of sleep. Their bedtime is something two parents might disagree about but it’s up for discussion. Again, in our house that’s too late for a 3 year old and yes it would be discussed without anyone ‘going crazy’.

‘presumably she starts going on at him that he's doing it all wrong and so I would assume he bites back.’

Talking to him about their child’s bedtime routine isn’t ‘going on’. It’s a discussion about what’s best for their toddler.

Unless she's having an absolute breakdown from tiredness while he faffs around doing stuff other than the bedtime routine I don't see why you're upset? You're feeding the baby, he's putting the toddler down but it takes him a bit longer than you 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think my DD and DH would struggle to go from daddy getting home to her being asleep in bed in under 30 mins. Surely he needs a drink/wee etc when he gets home which takes 5 mins then they want to see each other and she's excited he is home so takes a while to wind down? Unless it's impacting you in some other way than you thinking he should be quicker, I think you should relax.

I would say whoever is responsible for getting the child up and ready in the morning is the one who picks what time they need to be in their bed, quite, dark ready to sleep.

some kids when you wake up and it’s easy peasy to get them ready, others it’s a nightmare having to wake them up to get ready. I have one of each.

Different children need different amounts of sleep. It's only half an hour - my DS sometimes sleeps for 10.5 hours overnight, sometimes 11, regardless of when he goes to bed. Kids are different. Your rules don't apply everywhere.

@BackOnTheBandWagon

If I thought my rules applied everywhere I wouldn’t be talking about my own house, would I? The OP and her DP can decide together what works for them, but for us (and in her view, for her) what he’s doing wouldn’t be quite right.

He gets straight in from work then spends time with his dd reading - this is brilliant and your dd will benefit more from this quality time with her dad than an extra 30 mins of lights out. If he’s reading she’ll be lying down and relaxing anyway so it will still be part of her rest time. Cut him some slack.

Except she's described herself as being driven insane. Thats not proportionate and I doubt she is 'having a conversation' about her opinion that she is doing it right and he is doing it wrong.

DD never went to bed before 8pm, we weren't home from work and nursery before 6pm, cooking dinner as a family and then doing bedtime.

I think it's great that your DH takes his time to make sure his DD has a nice bedtime, daily bath aren't really necessary unless they are absolutely filthy.

DD still managed to be up at 6.30am to be at nursery at 7.45am.

Maybe the more important question here is why you think that your preference takes precedence over his.

We say ‘drives me insane’ pretty colloquially, don’t we? It annoys the OP. Fair enough. That doesn’t mean she’s not addressing the issue with civility.

Anyway, what time a 3 year old goes to sleep is a reasonable discussion for any parent to have. Especially if you’re the one who has to deal with the grumpy toddler who doesn’t get enough sleep.

But I don’t know, maybe half an hour wouldn’t make a big difference. It depends on the child.

But that's your house. Other people are different. There's no rule that says three year olds have to be in bed by 7pm. Mine gets home from nursery just after 6pm (because we work until 5.30), has a snack while we have our dinner, then a bath and bedtime. He's usually asleep by 8.30 and wakes up around 7-7.30am. Works well for us!

10-13 hours sleep is a normal range for that age, so if you have a child on the lower end of the sleep needs scale then you probably don't want them in bed at 7pm unless you enjoy 5am starts!

I think maybe people are forgetting that OP said the 3 year old is knackered, and tired the next day? Some 3 year olds don’t need to be bed by 7, but if this one didn’t, she probably wouldn’t be knackered.

So he gets her to sleep 30 mins later tha. You would if you were doing bed, and that’s because he’s reading with her etc. i could it get too stressed about that personally. Unless it’s having massive impact and she’s over tired and grumpy the next day.

I would say it's still an acceptable time...what time you need to get her up in the morning? At 5? I think it's nice he's trying to spend time with her after his work

Yes but she also says that she doesnt feel she has control over it, its clearly a big issue for her that her co parent doesnt agree with her

I think Id be pissed off if someone was telling me that my perfectly effective bedtime routine, straight after I got in from work was wrong and I wasnt doing it right, its likely it would show in my tone and presentation. No doubt that would be 'going crazy' when relayed back to others for effect

How would you cope if you were a single parent?

I thought you were gonna say he dawdles pissing about on his phone, then I would've agreed he's unreasonable, but an extra story or 2 isn't anything to get annoyed by. It's nice for your little one to have that routine with her dad, don't ruin it by making it stressful.

Unless she’s super tired when you wake her/ is difficult during the day because she’s so tired then I’d let this one go. If it is causing issues though, he needs to hurry things along a bit so she’s in bed by 7:30. I’d say 30 mins is more than adequate anyway, I read my DS two books which takes 10 mins max.

Poor dad can’t do right for doing wrong…

You are being ridiculous

Telling that you say its completely put of your control.

Your kids have 2 parents, why do you need to control everything?

No wonder he's pissed off at you.

I think people are being harsh. OP is one of two parents, sure, but that means joint decision-making. Her DH has told her her toddler’s bedtime is none of her business and some people here are cheering that on? I think that’s wrong. My toddler’s sleep is very much my business no matter who is doing the actual bedtime.

‘Yes but she also says that she doesnt feel she has control over it, its clearly a big issue for her that her co parent doesnt agree with her.’

Yes because her small child is knackered and tired the next day, and she’s the one who has to get her up out of bed. Perfectly reasonably, she wants to discuss whether bedtime can go a bit quicker so the child can get more sleep.