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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this really awful of me?

46 replies

Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 12:13

I live in Italy and had my 3rd baby in February. The other two were born abroad and have lived here and in the Middle East. Even though I'm from the UK, I've never been through the UK postpartum system.

Here, you get loads of hospital appointments after you have a baby. There is no health visitor or midwife who comes to your home. You have to bring the baby to a paediatrician every month. My kids have been assigned a paediatrician who doesn't speak English. I'd say my Italian is just below GCSE level. We are learning but it's really difficult when work and and home life and all in English. I'm making progress but it's complicated.

When baby was 1 month old I brought her to a private English speaking paediatrician. He picked up that she wasn't gaining enough weight. I got in touch with a lactation consultant (ex midwife) who helped me make more milk and gave me some tips about the baby's jaundice. I bought my own scales and monitored her weight gain v carefully. She was thriving soon after.

Things were stressful at home so I missed the 2 month check. At 3 months I made an appointment with the Italian doc but we both had covid at the same time so that got cancelled. When baby was about 4/5 months I tried to make another appointment but she was booked out until the end of September.

So my baby hasn't been seen by anyone since she was 1 month old and is now almost 7 months.

She has had all of her mandatory hospital appointment checks, which included an ECG and hip scan. She is up to date with all of her vaccinations. She regained her birth weight by 5 months. She is happy, smiley and cheerful, in fact the most pleasant and sweet child. I started her on solids at 6 months old, exactly as I did my other 2 and she is feeding just fine. I give her vitamin d drops (when I remember!) and she is on breastmilk still. She's meeting her milestones.

When I was at home in the UK during the summer I tried to make an appointment with a private paediatrician and nobody got back to me.

Suddenly yesterday it hit me that she hasn't been seen by anyone since she was 4 weeks and I had such a wave of guilt and anxiety about being such an irresponsible mother. However, my other kids were never followed so closely and I don't feel that there is a problem. I'm going to get an appointment at the end of September for a check up with the free doctor but I feel so guilty.

My experience with doctors here is that they can be a bit old school, quick to tell you to stop breastfeeding and write a prescription for everything. I'm aware that's just my experience so far.

What do you think?

Yabu: you should feel guilty for not bringing your baby to the Dr

Yanbu: your baby is hitting her milestones and is getting the basic checks and procedures so really doesn't need monthly checks

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2022 13:00

It actually sounds perfect, you and your baby just doing your own thing without any interference! And this is your third, so you must know roughly what you're doing by now. Wink

Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:06

FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2022 13:00

It actually sounds perfect, you and your baby just doing your own thing without any interference! And this is your third, so you must know roughly what you're doing by now. Wink

Roughly 😂
Thank you. I feel bad when I don't follow whatever the guidelines are. My friend had a baby at the same time as me (in the UK) and didn't seem to be followed overly closely, and that little baby had a few issues with reflux etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:10

I met someone in the park last night and told them how my baby is just eating what we are eating, albeit mashed. Eg, potatoes, carrots and a tiny bit of meat very finely mashed.

He seemed shocked and said 'did her doctor say that was OK?'. I suddenly felt really, really awful! Because "her doctor" has never met her!

Guilt-cringe!

OP posts:
PinkDaffodil2 · 23/08/2022 13:13

In the U.K. you would usually have a single check at 6 weeks with the GP to check hips, listen to heart, check weight gain etc.
Nothing else is routinely offered unless there’s a medical problem. As you’ve already had a check at 4 weeks, hip scan, good weight gain and another appointment booked next month I wouldn’t bother trying to book another in the meantime.

PinkDaffodil2 · 23/08/2022 13:16

Out of interest what do they do at all of those appointments, especially if baby is doing well?

bloodywhitecat · 23/08/2022 13:16

Regained her birth weight by 5 months? If that is correct that is a cause for concern.

greywinds · 23/08/2022 13:21

the birth weight by 5 months - surely that's 5 weeks and that's a typos? I'd follow the rules in the country I'm staying in for fear of them getting people involved to waste my time otherwise, but assuming it is 5 weeks then YANBU

GoAround · 23/08/2022 13:22

She regained her birth weight by 5 months.
Presume that’s a typo?!

I’ve had one American kid where they are in the paediatrician’s office all the time for one thing or another and one British kid that excluding the vaccine nurse hasn’t seen a medical professional since 5 days old so I know what you exactly mean!

tenbob · 23/08/2022 13:25

Has your baby had vaccinations?
Presumably they were done by a doctor or nurse who would have picked up if anything was obviously wrong?

Other than the 6 week checks and vaccination appointments, none of mine had any doctors appointments until/unless they were ill

Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:25

bloodywhitecat · 23/08/2022 13:16

Regained her birth weight by 5 months? If that is correct that is a cause for concern.

Should have said doubled!!!!

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 23/08/2022 13:27

Where I live there's nothing after six weeks either, the next check up I think is 12 months.. If you're concerned about anything you could get it checked at vaccine appointments..

Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:28

tenbob · 23/08/2022 13:25

Has your baby had vaccinations?
Presumably they were done by a doctor or nurse who would have picked up if anything was obviously wrong?

Other than the 6 week checks and vaccination appointments, none of mine had any doctors appointments until/unless they were ill

Yep she is up to date with vaccinations but the Dr doing it didn't do a thorough check, just asked me if she is doing OK, any concerns. She didn't examine her but in honesty, I'd nothing to report!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 13:28

Your baby is perfectly fine, and I can't imagine what that person in the park was going on about.

Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:30

I think she is fine. I brought her home in the summer and everyone who met her commented on how smiley she is, how bright and alert she is, what a little chunk she is and generally what a little dream she is. I feel the same! She seemed more advanced than my other 2 at this stage.

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 23/08/2022 13:30

Don't listen to people in parks. I've had miserable old Nonni shake their head at me for having my kid in Sandals, in August, in Puglia! Too many busy bodies in Italy, and i swear they all live in the park. If you're happy baby is well, that's all that matters.

FlyingSaucerss · 23/08/2022 13:31

I don’t know what you think happens in the U.K., but I had my daughter 5 years ago and it was one check at home with the MW and one with the HV then never saw them again since my “baby” was 10 days old, if you need them you go to the clinic yourself (I never went she was number 4 so I didn’t really need any additional support)

eldora · 23/08/2022 13:33

When I was at home in the UK during the summer I tried to make an appointment with a private paediatrician and nobody got back to me.

I don't think you should feel guilty, but I thin if you'd wanted to take a baby to a doctor, you would have found a way.

With a happy, thriving bay though, it wouldn't have been front and foremost. You would have pushed for it if you had any concerns.

Georgeskitchen · 23/08/2022 13:34

Your baby is doing absolutely fine. Doesn't seem to be a need for so many medical checkups, unless there is a problem, and mothers instincts are usually pretty good at spotting when something is a amiss

Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:35

FigTreeInEurope · 23/08/2022 13:30

Don't listen to people in parks. I've had miserable old Nonni shake their head at me for having my kid in Sandals, in August, in Puglia! Too many busy bodies in Italy, and i swear they all live in the park. If you're happy baby is well, that's all that matters.

Haha it was a nonno!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:37

eldora · 23/08/2022 13:33

When I was at home in the UK during the summer I tried to make an appointment with a private paediatrician and nobody got back to me.

I don't think you should feel guilty, but I thin if you'd wanted to take a baby to a doctor, you would have found a way.

With a happy, thriving bay though, it wouldn't have been front and foremost. You would have pushed for it if you had any concerns.

True. I mean, I've brought my older two to doctors when they needed it and always found any way for them to be seen if they were sick. My attempt was quite half hearted and I kept forgetting about it as baby seems fine!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thejoyfulstar · 23/08/2022 13:38

PinkDaffodil2 · 23/08/2022 13:16

Out of interest what do they do at all of those appointments, especially if baby is doing well?

I've no idea!

OP posts:
Treabrea · 23/08/2022 13:42

DS has never been ill enough to require a Dr so apart from his vaccinations he hasn't been by a GP since his 6 week check and last saw the HV at 10 months. He's now 2. I wouldn't be concerned providing baby is doing well.

shazzybazzy34 · 23/08/2022 13:56

Your child is thriving, you are doing a fab job, don't worry!!

Choconut · 23/08/2022 13:57

Mine had the 6 week check I guess? and saw the HV maybe twice before I decided it was a waste of time.

Roozkitty · 23/08/2022 14:03

If she's been vaccinated she's presumably been seen by someone medical? I live in France, similar setup to Italy by the sounds of it - all they do at these visits is jab and weigh them, nothing more involved than that. Some mothers will discuss weaning with the paediatrician, but by no means all.