Was this really awful of me?

[Thejoyfulstar]

I live in Italy and had my 3rd baby in February. The other two were born abroad and have lived here and in the Middle East. Even though I'm from the UK, I've never been through the UK postpartum system.

Here, you get loads of hospital appointments after you have a baby. There is no health visitor or midwife who comes to your home. You have to bring the baby to a paediatrician every month. My kids have been assigned a paediatrician who doesn't speak English. I'd say my Italian is just below GCSE level. We are learning but it's really difficult when work and and home life and all in English. I'm making progress but it's complicated.

When baby was 1 month old I brought her to a private English speaking paediatrician. He picked up that she wasn't gaining enough weight. I got in touch with a lactation consultant (ex midwife) who helped me make more milk and gave me some tips about the baby's jaundice. I bought my own scales and monitored her weight gain v carefully. She was thriving soon after.

Things were stressful at home so I missed the 2 month check. At 3 months I made an appointment with the Italian doc but we both had covid at the same time so that got cancelled. When baby was about 4/5 months I tried to make another appointment but she was booked out until the end of September.

So my baby hasn't been seen by anyone since she was 1 month old and is now almost 7 months.

She has had all of her mandatory hospital appointment checks, which included an ECG and hip scan. She is up to date with all of her vaccinations. She regained her birth weight by 5 months. She is happy, smiley and cheerful, in fact the most pleasant and sweet child. I started her on solids at 6 months old, exactly as I did my other 2 and she is feeding just fine. I give her vitamin d drops (when I remember!) and she is on breastmilk still. She's meeting her milestones.

When I was at home in the UK during the summer I tried to make an appointment with a private paediatrician and nobody got back to me.

Suddenly yesterday it hit me that she hasn't been seen by anyone since she was 4 weeks and I had such a wave of guilt and anxiety about being such an irresponsible mother. However, my other kids were never followed so closely and I don't feel that there is a problem. I'm going to get an appointment at the end of September for a check up with the free doctor but I feel so guilty.

My experience with doctors here is that they can be a bit old school, quick to tell you to stop breastfeeding and write a prescription for everything. I'm aware that's just my experience so far.

What do you think?

Yabu: you should feel guilty for not bringing your baby to the Dr

Yanbu: your baby is hitting her milestones and is getting the basic checks and procedures so really doesn't need monthly checks

What would they even do at all those appointments? Surely you’d spend most of it undressing and dressing the baby.

Our daughter has faltering growth and suspected CP and doesn’t have that many appointments routine appp

The baby is fine so don’t worry, a lot of age checks are a tick box, if there is an issue most parents will have noticed, especially if something serious.

I'm in Italy too and my youngest has rarely seen the paediatrician. You have older kids so I'm sure you know what you're doing!

My youngest was born abroad at the start of covid and he has had very very minimal input from HCP. Think he was seen by a HV once before a year then maybe again at 2.5.

You’re her mum, you’ve had two other babies, you think she’s fine. She’s had her vaccinations, she eats , drinks. You say she’s met all her milestones so what is a doctor going to tell you that you don’t know already?
I’ve also lived in Europe and the Middle East, parents could become obsessed with paediatricians and visited them for everything from a sniff to an injury that really should have been seen in A&E!

The Italians have crazy but strongly held ideas about health and about babies! Have you been told yet that you can't feed mushrooms to the under-3s or they will surely die? Or that if they aren't wearing the maglia della salute the colpo d'aria will bring terrible illness?

DS is 13 and a strapping 6 footer who seems impervious to disease and is not very accident prone, plus he’s number 2 and we know how that is.
Other than the GP when he has been really poorly ( twice) or his vaccinations he has not been seen by a medical professional since he was around 8 weeks old. They didn’t do the 2 year check due to staff shortages, we used to joke that until he started Pre school at 2.5 nobody official knew where he had been since around 8 weeks old !!

Of course YANBU.
It sounds like you are doing a good job, you are an experienced mother and if your baby seems happy, she probably is.
You've got an appointment booked in so relax.
If there was anything wrong you would have noticed and taken steps, you are clearly not shy about seeking advice. Try not to worry.

OK I'm feeling a little bit better now, thanks everyone. Yep, baby is great. Alert, happy, loves rolling around and interacting with us, is smiley and tries to 'talk', loves her grub and milk. I guess I felt guilty trusting my instincts.

Your baby sounds like she is thriving and also remember it's your third child. You know the development milestones. I'd be similar to yourself I don't see the reason for appointments and seeing doctors for no reason . My three year old had her first gp appointment a few weeks ago. She had her six week check up and nothing since apart from vaccinations. I'm only delighted that I'm lucky enough to have such a healthy little girl her siblings were constantly unwell at the baby and toddler stage.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to chill out now and not feel guilty.

I'd personally find all those appointments really stressful and intrusive but I'm the sort of person that (outside of necessary appointments just likes to be left alone and if there's a problem I'll reach out myself. Sounds like you're doing a perfectly fine job.

I love Italy but in general Italians are VERY concerned about their health - sometimes that is great, they look after themselves well, sometimes it can be neurotic, he sounds like the latter.

Anyway it sounds fine, your baby is doing well. Babies in the UK don't normally see a doc as a matter of course for a while after the 6 week check. Italian doctors can be old fashioned as you say, although I always found their healthcare good.

Having an Italian speaking doctor sounds completely pointless, so emergencies and hospital treatment apart it sounds like you do need a private English speaking GP.

Thanks for your insight. She was assigned a public doctor when she was born. I was able to pick from a list but I don't know who spoke English.

My Italian is definitely improving and I've recently noticed a difference but that's all conversational, day to day stuff. I can speak OK but my comprehension let's me down so my worry is not properly understanding something important. I'll see how we get on in September.

Can I pm you please?

Wrong thread!

Sounds fine, but who gave her the vaccinations? In UK you don't have to see a hv or gp unless there is a problem.

Our 2 year old grandson wasn’t seen by anyone. There was one phone call with an HV who gave a mobile number in case of any issues. Vaccination appts. sent by letter and a couple of GP visits with infections. He’s thriving. Expect it’s a very common experience in the UK anyway since Covid.

A doctor at a vaccinatiom centre, not her doctor or a GP.

But presumably one who checked she was well.

Yes she just asked me was everything OK and I said yes. She didn't examine her but there was no need to.