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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable

45 replies

DettyPig · 23/08/2022 12:12

Persons A and B messaging about having a catch up over a bottle of wine or two.

A: I’m free tonight but I have no wine in and I can’t get any as husband has the car and I’m putting the baby to bed now. Maybe we can do this another night?
B: That’s ok, I’ll come over anyway to catch up. Do you need anything from the shop?
A: Well, in that case, could you pick me up a bottle of wine and I’ll transfer you the money over.

blah blah blah, had the catch up, B turned up with 2 bottles of wine, one that B drinks and one that A drinks.

B: Oh, I’d feel bad asking you to pay for both bottles but they are £7 each so can you transfer me 14.
A: I wasn’t going to lay for both, I only asked you to pick me up one bottle and you decided to get one for yourself too? I’ll pay for one bottle.

A only drank 2 glasses anyway, and B drank the rest. Also, when A went to the bathroom, A’s husband caught B pouring some of A’s wine into B’s glass.

Hope this isn’t too difficult to follow. Fairly sure that B is being unreasonable but want to get a full perspective!

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 23/08/2022 12:17

When B hosts, does B usually pay for a bottle each, or does A bring their own? If B normally pays for both, A is being unreasonable, if not, B is.

KyaClark · 23/08/2022 12:21

A pays for the one bottle they asked for.

Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 12:21

A brings their own, but will accept more if offered. Same as if A has more wine in will always offer more.

OP posts:
Meraas · 23/08/2022 12:23

B is being an unreasonable tight arse.

Bloody well down to A for speaking up, instead of the MN classic 'I was too gobsmacked to say anything and just handed over the money.'

fairycakes1234 · 23/08/2022 12:27

mortified for the friend, i think id even be embarrassed asking for the one bottle, i would have said you can get it the next time (unless you are a bit mean and arent inclined to pay up and she knows this) , otherwise your friend is mean and id be embarrassed on behalf of her, and robbing more wine, how old is she?

Georgeskitchen · 23/08/2022 12:27

B is a CF.

Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 12:31

I honestly didn’t mind paying for a bottle, we were both fairly skint. Usually, I always have wine in anyway and am happy to share if I Invite someone over. However, this time she kind of invited herself and then turned up with more wine than I asked for an expected me to pay which I just think is really cheeky! Not to mention the stealing it from my glass!

OP posts:
KupoNutCoffee · 23/08/2022 12:31

Does the host normally provide the wine - so if A visits B - B buys all the wine? Or does the visitor also bring a bottle?

If I was B, I'd be bringing a bottle anyway - so A saying she has no wine would read to me as 'could you pick up a bottle for me also, as well as bringing your own'

If I was A, I'd pay then arrange to meet at Bs House next time and come empty handed.

Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 12:38

It’s always at my house as I have the baby and older children here and my husband works very late. I usually have plenty of wine here but didn’t this time for whatever reason.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 23/08/2022 12:41

You pay for the bottle you agreed to pay for. Unreasonable behaviour from “friend”, btw.

jellybeanjc · 23/08/2022 12:45

DettyPig · 23/08/2022 12:38

It’s always at my house as I have the baby and older children here and my husband works very late. I usually have plenty of wine here but didn’t this time for whatever reason.

Just an alternative perspective on this after your last post. I've been 'B' in the situation that I always have to go to 'A's house because she has a baby and I don't. I found it really frustrating- like I was putting all the effort into our friendship (always had to buy a bottle to bring with me rather than using what was at home, contributing more than I should to cooking food together, never having the comfort or convenience of being in my own home, feeling resentful of leaving half-finished food/drink because it felt rude to ask to take it)...

In this case, I think B is a CF, but I think A needs to consider whether she can even up this friendship a little more as this may be the reason why B is asking for payment for both bottles.

MRex · 23/08/2022 12:46

I don't have friends like either of you. When we were students, we would agree an amount to spend, say £5, and pitch in to share. As full adults, expecting money for a bottle or two as either guest or host is rude, we just treat each other as needed and turns naturally come about without the need to keep score on every mouthful sipped. I know this is judgemental, sorry, but honestly it comes across as very irresponsible for an adult with children to be drinking alcohol when money is so tight that a £7 bottle of wine becomes a drama.

CrystalCoco · 23/08/2022 12:47

I'd assume under 'normal' circumstances that:

A would have one bottle in the house to share with B
B would also bring one bottle to share
one bottle provided by each party

so...it follows that B is only due the price of one bottle from A, the other bottle she would have been bringing anyway

The stealing wine from A's glass is not on, who does that!? Is she ok in terms of her alcohol consumption normally or is she a CF?

Trisolaris · 23/08/2022 12:51

Are you walking distance from each other? From the face of it your friend is being cheeky but again if it’s always at your house, does she have travel costs that you don’t because it’s always at your convenience not hers?

Chdjdn · 23/08/2022 12:53

Taking some from your glass was very odd behaviour. I would only have expected to pay for one; if I go to someone’s I always take a bottle so I’d have expected the second one she brought to be what she was contributing

Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 13:00

MRex · 23/08/2022 12:46

I don't have friends like either of you. When we were students, we would agree an amount to spend, say £5, and pitch in to share. As full adults, expecting money for a bottle or two as either guest or host is rude, we just treat each other as needed and turns naturally come about without the need to keep score on every mouthful sipped. I know this is judgemental, sorry, but honestly it comes across as very irresponsible for an adult with children to be drinking alcohol when money is so tight that a £7 bottle of wine becomes a drama.

I wasn’t expecting any money thanks. I told her I would pay for the bottle that I had asked her to pick up on her way as that’s the polite thing to do. As I’ve said, I usually have lots of wine here anyway that’s fine, I don’t expect reimbursing for that but she always brings a bottle as that’s the polite thing to do. Same as if I go to hers, I always bring a bottle with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 13:01

Yes walking distance. I appreciate it’s a pain to come here all the time but what can I do? I can’t bring the kids with me to hers so if she wants to catch up she has to come here.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 23/08/2022 13:06

You asked her to bring you one bottle, the other is on her. If she usually brings a bottle with her, that's the other bottle she bought at the same time she picked up the one you asked her to bring.

Trisolaris · 23/08/2022 13:12

@DettyPig Walking distance sounds reasonable then (on your side). I was just asking from experience of going round to peoples houses with young kids all the time - happy to do it as it’s understandably it’s much easier for me than for them, but it gets grating when the travel costs are never factored in but we are expected to bring wine and split costs of any food. Doesn’t sound like it applies here.

Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 14:00

I think I’m just going to ignore it! I haven’t seen her since and she’s being really weird about sending me her back details so I can transfer the money over.

OP posts:
Bumbers · 23/08/2022 14:03

You should pay for 1 bottle. Not both.

PlacesIGo · 23/08/2022 14:04

B is tight! Of course I'd bring a bottle if a friend invited me over - and I'd never expect reimbursement!! I'd expect they'd do similar next time round.

Thornethorn · 23/08/2022 14:11

I think your friend has been using you as a free wine bar.

Not a friend.

WhiskerPatrol · 23/08/2022 14:11

Who doesn't keep wine in the house? YABU for that. Also your husband obviously was back as you've mentioned him busting your friend for stealing wine from your glass!

Original poster
DettyPig · 23/08/2022 14:12

Yes he got back at about 11 pm….

OP posts: