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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it wrong to date when I wear my wedding ring?

38 replies

PandaBearBear · 23/08/2022 09:33

Please be gentle with me.

I lost my DH approaching 2 years ago, and I have very recently started to consider dating. I'm still of course grieving, but a lot of good therapy has shown me that I always will be, and that it's ok to have some joy for myself at the same time.

I went on 2 dates recently with a guy who was lovely but just not for me at all. He was a bit intense and it turned me off. However he made a few comments about the fact I still wear my wedding ring. Things like 'when I propose what will we do then?' Which was mental because I barely knew him anyway. As much as he was making jokes about it it was clear it actually bothered him (I had explained my situation before we went on the first date, and told him I still wore my wedding ring).

It's made me wonder if I actually shouldn't be dating, and is this something nobody would be ok with? I have no desire to take my rings off, not because I still feel married but because they mean a lot to me and my children also like to talk to me about them.

I understand that my situation is a unique one, I am only 31 and a widow. Anyone who dates me will need to be quite understanding - we will always have pictures of DH in the house, we will always talk about him and miss him etc. But is keeping my rings on a step too far?

I may take them off in future I don't know, I just have no desire to yet. I imagined when I took them off it would be for my own reasons other than 'because I want to date'.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 23/08/2022 09:36

You do whatever you need to do. I lost my partner young, too. We weren't married but have two DC. So I didn't have the ring dilemma but as with all things widowhood, there are no 'rules'. I am so sorry that you lost your DH.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 09:36

Personally I would be put off by that. Perhaps you could wear it as a necklace? But it's up to you and is a good way of sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Sleepyquest · 23/08/2022 09:37

He sounds like a dick!
You don't have to take them off if you don't want to, a lot of men wouldn't even notice. Would you consider wearing them on your right hand instead? It might take some time to find an understanding man who doesn't make stupid 'jokes' like that on a second date and who is actually very considerate about your loss. Wishing you all the best x

Whataretheodds · 23/08/2022 09:38

I wouldn't date a man who was still wearing a wedding ring on his ring finger.

Regardless of how that particular date went, consider whether you are ready to make space for someone new in your life.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 09:38

Given that you explained why you wore it I think he's a dick for raising it. You're doing the right thing raising it early imo. I'm sorry for your loss.

Shakirasma · 23/08/2022 09:41

Sorry for your loss.

I cant imagi e ever being comfortable going on a date with somebody wearing a wedding ring. It's a symbol of a commitment to somebody else.

IMO if you dont feel ready to remove it, at least when on a date, the you're probably not ready to move on just yet. And that's okay x

ClaryFairchild · 23/08/2022 09:44

As with the others, I wouldn't be comfortable dating a man wearing a wedding ring in his ring finger, but if he wore it on his other hand I wouldn't see it as being as bad.

TitInATrance · 23/08/2022 09:45

I’m sorry about your DH. I was widowed in my 30s and moved my wedding ring to the other hand for the next 25 years. At the time I read an article saying it was best to swap them over after the funeral rather than making a separate occasion of it.

I would have been embarrassed at that age to have been seen on a date with a man wearing a wedding ring. I would have been deeply upset if anyone had assumed my date was my husband, which is more likely to happen when you wear a ring.

In later life, no-one makes assumptions as so many have been through it.

WendyAndDave · 23/08/2022 09:47

It's not wrong but I think it sends a message that you're not emotionally available or ready for a new relationship. and perhaps that is the message you want to send.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 23/08/2022 09:48

I'm sorry for your loss.

When I was dating I wouldn't entertain a man still wearing a wedding ring. It was telling me he hadn't moved on.

Most ladies I know who are widows either wear the wedding ring on a chain or had put it in the coffin with their late husband.
These are ladies who wanted, eventually, to date again BTW.

Those that have no interest in dating/re-marrying keep wearing them.

wb3 · 23/08/2022 09:51

I think many men might see that as a sign that you have not yet moved on enough to be dating.

Could you melt it down and turn it into another piece of jewellery so that it will be with you forever but in a different form?

FlowersareEverything · 23/08/2022 09:52

I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I just wonder if it’s too early for you, emotionally, to start dating. If you’re sure you do feel ready to date perhaps wear the rings on a necklace? I can honestly see why it could be off putting to someone who could potentially be a good match for you. Take care. X

mamabear715 · 23/08/2022 09:54

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking I think you're right.. my rings are still on, 15 yrs down the line.

sweeetpotato · 23/08/2022 09:55

Wearing the ring, and where you wear it, is entirely your choice.

If I was in your shoes I think I would wear it for a long time.

If I was dating a widow it wouldn't bother me that they were wearing a wedding ring, as long as they were mentally in a good place for dating.

I think if the time comes that a widow gets engaged and remarried, it would be nice to perhaps wear the original wedding ring on a bracelet or a necklace like a charm, or keep it in a memory box.

It's a very sensitive thing and there is no right or wrong answer, but there should be no pressure to do what someone else thinks you should do.

Original poster
PandaBearBear · 23/08/2022 09:57

I appreciate everyone's honesty, it's given me some food for thought.

Tbh I can see that before this had happened to me, if I dated a man in my position and he still had rings on it would make me quite uncomfortable.

I do feel ready to date and potentially have someone new in my life, but I can understand the message that the rings send.

I don't really have space to move them to my right hand (DH really loved buying rings I guess) but I think I will start thinking about what to do next, or atleast trying some days not wearing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaBearBear · 23/08/2022 09:59

@sweeetpotato thank you for your lovely understanding reply xx

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 23/08/2022 10:00

First of all, the man you went on those dates with had absolutely no business going on about your wedding ring when he is aware that you lost your husband. He was being incredibly insensitive. Honestly, what an absolute dick. He barely knows you, ffs!

If I went on a date with a man who had lost his wife, and he was still wearing his wedding ring, I honestly don't think it would bother me at all. It would bother me if they were divorced, but not if his wife had died. A friend of mine is engaged to a man whose wife had died a few years before they met. He was still wearing his wedding ring when they met and then he moved it to the other hand when they got serious.

Only you know whether you are ready to date, and I'm not sure whether it's your wedding ring and how you wear it that would actually tell you.

Suzy14837 · 23/08/2022 10:02

Either remove the rings just for the date, or better still, start wearing them on the other hand. That way they're still there, always present in your life, but symbolic of you beginning to open up your heart to someone else. Which, by dating, you are doing.

Pollyjun · 23/08/2022 10:05

I could see how it would make a potential partner feel like you were not ready to move on. If a man was still wearing his wedding ring I would not date him and consider him emotional unavailable.

The photos around the house are understandable and important for your children, but a ring feels like the union between you and your husband.

It’s a tough one OP, to me it sounds like you need a more time before you date?

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/08/2022 10:06

Do you have any local support groups. A friend of mine’s DH sadly died when he was 32 and I know she took a lot of comfort from a group that brought together people in similar circumstances. She has had a few relationships but the one that’s lasted is someone she actually met through the group who has had similar experiences.

I’m very sorry you lost your husband.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 23/08/2022 10:07

You’re absolutely not wrong for still wanting to wear your wedding ring. And you don’t have to feel the need to e.g. melt it down if you don’t want to.

But tbh a ring sends a message that you’re not available. Also a ring sends a message to others that the person you’re seeing is dating a married woman.

If a poster posted here that her friend had started seeing a man who was wearing a wedding ring not one poster would suggest he was a widow. Instead people would brand the woman as the OW and suggest people should think less of her.

So while in principle someone would understand that a widow wanted to keep wearing their wedding ring, in reality someone choosing to be involved with someone who still wears a wedding ring does so in the knowledge that they will personally be judged without the circumstances (which they’re not obliged to disclose) being known.

Thehonestbadger · 23/08/2022 10:09

It depends what you want from dating. If it’s casual companionship and joy/fun you want then I don’t see any issue wearing your ring. Just be very up front about it.

If you are looking for a ‘relationship’ though and are considering things like second marriage and or kids (I don’t know your personal circumstances) then I wonder if maybe you’d be better waiting a little longer until you feel ready to switch the ring to the other hand or wear it on a necklace or even store it in a jewellery box. I don’t think you can go into a potential relationship if you’re not ready to move on from your last xx

SpaghettiNoodle · 23/08/2022 10:09

I think you can still wear them, any new suitor should understand your loss and what your DH meant to you and your children. Maybe you’ll change your mind if you remarry, but that’s not today.

If you have instagram, look up the singing widow. She was widowed in her 20s and talks a lot about her new husband and her old husband, and how those lives confusingly and messily sit together - but she shows it’s possible to find someone and remarry while still honouring the memory of your DH.

KimberleyClark · 23/08/2022 10:09

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 09:36

Personally I would be put off by that. Perhaps you could wear it as a necklace? But it's up to you and is a good way of sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Or wear it on the ring finger of your other hand?

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/08/2022 10:09

The first step is sometimes moving it to your right hand?

if you don’t feel ready to do that, then it’s possible you aren’t ready to date. But either way, yes it will bother people probably - they will just assume you aren’t ready.