Is it wrong to date when I wear my wedding ring?

[PandaBearBear]

Please be gentle with me.

I lost my DH approaching 2 years ago, and I have very recently started to consider dating. I'm still of course grieving, but a lot of good therapy has shown me that I always will be, and that it's ok to have some joy for myself at the same time.

I went on 2 dates recently with a guy who was lovely but just not for me at all. He was a bit intense and it turned me off. However he made a few comments about the fact I still wear my wedding ring. Things like 'when I propose what will we do then?' Which was mental because I barely knew him anyway. As much as he was making jokes about it it was clear it actually bothered him (I had explained my situation before we went on the first date, and told him I still wore my wedding ring).

It's made me wonder if I actually shouldn't be dating, and is this something nobody would be ok with? I have no desire to take my rings off, not because I still feel married but because they mean a lot to me and my children also like to talk to me about them.

I understand that my situation is a unique one, I am only 31 and a widow. Anyone who dates me will need to be quite understanding - we will always have pictures of DH in the house, we will always talk about him and miss him etc. But is keeping my rings on a step too far?

I may take them off in future I don't know, I just have no desire to yet. I imagined when I took them off it would be for my own reasons other than 'because I want to date'.

So sorry for your loss.
My mum was a young widow. I always felt that she prioritised us (her kids) and that made my life feel safer and happier -she made very gentle changes when she did get remarried.
As you rightly said, whoever you bring into your life will need to be understanding -you can discuss it or decide what to do when that happens.

He sounds like an idiot, but I don't think he's wrong to have concerns about dating a woman wearing someone else's ring.

I am sorry for your loss. My friend was widowed very young. Whilst she doesn't wear her rings, her late husband is still part of conversations alongside her current partner. This is in balance of course, she never compares the two or anything but I find it so touching how she manages to keep his memory at hand whilst moving forward with her life and building a lovely relationship. This does involve a kind, understanding man however, rather than some boorish,egotistical fool like the one you met on your date. Once you'd explained why you were wearing a wedding ring, he should have left it at that stage, not kept on at you because it didn't suit him, it wasn't as if he would be proposing there and then. A first date wasn't the time or place to query your choices re this.

I suppose what I mean is that you won't be leaving your late husband behind, not with the right person who understands.

I have done a lot of dating though, and whilst I wouldn't have said anything critical to a widower, I wouldn't have felt the most comfortable dating a man wearing a ring on his wedding finger. I would have probably assumed he wasn't quite ready to date and just moved on unless I felt an enormous connection.

Could you move some jewellery around and wear them on your right hand, perhaps wear some of the other pieces in rotation if you have loads of rings on?

I don't think it's wrong. It is going to put a lot of potential partners off, and not just ones who are as insensitive about it as the bloke on the date. But it would be completely ok if you decided continuing to wear the rings on your ring finger was more important.

To be honest it would read it that the person I am dating has not moved on. As others have suggested maybe wear the ring on another finger? I don't think anyone is expecting you to 'forget' your late husband but equally the suggestion that you 'may' never remove your rings you are sending out a very strong message that the person you are dating and perhaps eventually looking to forge a long term relationship with will always be 'second best' which is not a position I would personally like to be in.

A good friend of mine lost his wife to cancer and after about five years he returned to the dating scene and eventually met a wonderful woman who he ended up marrying. He confessed at first that his house had become a bit of a shrine with photos in every room of his late wife but he also, after a lot of processing, realised that it would be quite insensitive to any new person he was inviting into his life and home to keep such an overt display of memories on show. He keeps a memory box with photos, various keep sakes and his wedding rings and has a few quiet moments on his own around key anniversaries involving his late wife. But bar one photo on the bookshelf in his office he has allowed his home to become a blanc canvas for his new relationship paint.

*blank

What about swapping the rings to the other hand or a necklace. Have to be honest I wouldn’t go on a date or date someone that wore wedding rings. To me it would be a sign they aren’t ready to move on.

I wasn't expecting the replies here to be so helpful, I'm really grateful.

It definitely feels like something I'm ready for, but it's also a big step and as I've never been in this position before and there's no rule book on how it is supposed to work it can feel really confusing.

I am part of a young widows network online, and whilst it's great the general consensus on there is always 'there is no right or wrong, just what works for you'. And of course that's true, but if I am going to enter the 'real world' of dating I have to be realistic about how things are going to work.

I will need to find someone understanding and hopefully more sensitive than the guy I mentioned in my OP, but I suppose I also need to be understanding myself too.

I think someone dating a widow has to be quite sensitive to that fact. Moving on is different when the partner has passed rather than a break up, and even more so when there's children involved

It also depends what you want and what you are looking for, if you are just dating, looking for company something relatively casual then it's not a problem. If you are thinking about a serious long term relationship then I would gently suggest you aren't ready. However you may need to casually date to get to a point where you are ever ready

Do what's right for you. It may put people off but that's okay, they probably aren't the right person for you at this stage

I agree with pp that you need to do what's right for you and of course you may continue wearing your ring on your ring finger. I also agree that it might indicate you're not emotionally ready, but that's OK.

Just wanted to say I think you've been brave to post in aibu and i'm so sorry you find yourself in this position.

I wouldn't pursue a widower who still wore his wedding ring. Absolutely not.

But you need to put yourself first and do whatever works for you. It's still early days really. Maybe take some more time before dipping back into the dating pool.

In the kindest way if you’re not ready to remove your wedding ring, you are not ready to date.

Is it intimacy you’re craving or just friendship?

If it’s just friendship then how about getting a new hobby and meeting people that way. Then if you happen to meet someone who you fancy you can decide if you’re ready to move to the next stage of dating or not.
It’s a much more natural transition.

If a man turned up with his wedding ring on, I would leave there and then and not listen to his excuses.

I think I understand how you feel. Take it in stages
Keep it on that finger until you like someone then try a chain around your neck.
I think photos around the house would be more of a challenge if they are portraits of DH or you and him. Family groups easier for new friend to process.
I presume you don't want to make new friendships or romances to be conditional on liking the late Mr@PandaBearBear.