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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeder or love language

27 replies

TenRedThings · 22/08/2022 20:35

My DH insists on offering food even when we say no thanks, he thinks he knows better and will encourage me or DC to have whatever he's offering food wise even if we clearly said no Thankyou. Big blow up at the dinner table tonight because he wanted to serve DD when she clearly said she'd like to serve herself. DH is hurt because he says it's his love language. I find it irritating and even disrespectful because whilst I concede that to offer once is kind, to insist and feel hurt or rejected when someone has clearly said no thanks is dickish.

OP posts:
Topgub · 22/08/2022 20:48

I find the whole concept of love languages wanky irritating nonsense

He's being a dick.

LittleBearPad · 22/08/2022 20:52

His desire to feed people doesn’t outweigh their choices.

Also - love language? Really? I feel quite queasy

Kanaloa · 22/08/2022 20:53

How old is dd? It’s a bit bullying to kick off because you can’t decide how much she has on her plate - obviously as long as she’s not a 3 year old who would spill food everywhere.

I don’t like the love language nonsense. If your love language is doing things other people don’t like then it’s not love for them, it’s controlling bullying.

Original poster
TenRedThings · 22/08/2022 20:54

Thankyou ! It's really dickish and he ruined the meal which , by the way I cooked so his generosity of giving only goes so far as serving. He can also be insistent on second helpings of guilt tripping as he can't bear left overs or waste and sees his family as human compost bins.

OP posts:
katmarie · 22/08/2022 20:55

Kanaloa · 22/08/2022 20:53

How old is dd? It’s a bit bullying to kick off because you can’t decide how much she has on her plate - obviously as long as she’s not a 3 year old who would spill food everywhere.

I don’t like the love language nonsense. If your love language is doing things other people don’t like then it’s not love for them, it’s controlling bullying.

This last line. Spot on.

SavoirFlair · 22/08/2022 20:56

DH is hurt because he says it's his love language.

speechless

Sellorkeep · 22/08/2022 20:56

if he understands love languages then surely he can get that the other person has preferred languages also. Or is it all about him?
And he didn’t even cook it so i am not sure what he thinks he is communicating!

Keepingupappearance · 22/08/2022 20:59

It’s controlling and making the point of not respecting boundaries

it is the opposite of love

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2022 20:59

He is in the wrong. His “love language” isn’t an excuse for aching like a controlling arsehole.

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2022 21:00

Has he always been like this? Forcing second helpings on others is quite disturbing behaviour that’s not going to lead to a happy relationship with food for your kids.

Sparkletastic · 22/08/2022 21:01

He's being overbearing and not allowing people to eat according to their appetites. Not loving at all.

SplendidUtterly · 22/08/2022 21:04

TenRedThings · 22/08/2022 20:54

Thankyou ! It's really dickish and he ruined the meal which , by the way I cooked so his generosity of giving only goes so far as serving. He can also be insistent on second helpings of guilt tripping as he can't bear left overs or waste and sees his family as human compost bins.

I had a relative like this. I vote a feeder.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2022 21:10

There’s sense in the love languages thing but force feeding people food isn’t one of them. He’s a bully. You made a nice meal and he fucking ruined it. What a dick.

WhiskyCollins · 22/08/2022 21:10

Not loving at all. If a child says ‘I’m full’ he needs to respect it because otherwise he’s denying their feelings and sensations which can be really damaging.

Would he also tell them that they weren’t cold, hungry or in pain if they looked for his help with these sensations? He shouldn’t be ignoring what his family are telling him. And yes, if food was really his love language I feel like he would have cooked ffs.

DogsAndGin · 22/08/2022 21:13

‘Love language’ is an excuse to act however the hell you want and get away with it ‘that’s what I feel love is’. It’s akin to this whole ‘identifying as a…’ nonsense to me. Crock of shit, he needs to back TF off

Original poster
TenRedThings · 22/08/2022 21:14

We are all strong willed enough to not accept it but it's seriously annoying. We've explained that we don't find it thoughtful or loving when he ignores our clear requests but he just doesn't seem to get it.

I like to serve myself so I can choose how much I want. If I've cooked the meal I find it proprietorial when he starts serving everyone. He makes me feel like Im being controlling by not wishing to be served. The whole freaking thing has become a minefield of him feeling rejected because he wants to feel connected through the generosity of giving. His Dad just loves to be waited on and will ask for the sugar when it's in front of his bleeding nose just get get the attention !

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2022 21:18

He can also be insistent on second helpings of guilt tripping as he can't bear left overs or waste and sees his family as human compost bins.

What happens to the leftover food if you’re not eating it? Why not put it straight into tubs for leftovers the next day or just cook the right amount?

Onlystar · 22/08/2022 21:18

Bleugh
love language. And stuffing food down his families necks.
I feel sick reading this.
not sure how you live with it

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2022 21:19

Have you ever tried having a serious conversation about how bad what he’s doing is for your family?

georgarina · 22/08/2022 21:20

Weird that he wants to show he cares by explicitly going against what you and DC want?

That's the opposite of loving.

Fairislefandango · 22/08/2022 21:29

I find the whole concept of love languages wanky irritating nonsense

Me too. It's a load of twee bollocks. He's just being irritating. Tell him to stop it.

DillDanding · 22/08/2022 21:31

If my husband said anything was his 'love language', I'd probably bludgeon him to death.

Original poster
TenRedThings · 22/08/2022 21:34

I've clearly explained how it makes me feel and so have DC. We have chickens so there's no need to eat the leftovers. He just doesn't get it, my DS played him at his own game the other day and he didn't like it and we pointed this out to him, but he seems incapable of stopping. DD left the table upset, then I walked out too. I just told her I'm taking her out for supper tomorrow night, just the two of us and if we want to waste the whole bloody plateful we can!

OP posts:
Stickly · 22/08/2022 21:34

Any issues around food deprived as a child? I ask as my DH remembers communism well, often recalling lack of food and he is very much a feeder.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/08/2022 21:34

tell him to cut that crap out right now. no one does that anymore, it's not healthy. leftovers go in the fridge.