Dating someone with a child. Worth it?

[dmwalker]

I've been seeing someone who has a child. (I wouldn't ordinarily date someone with a child). Been together 7 months, but friends for many years prior. Dates are often cut short because he can't manage his time, his ex still contacts him daily as they run a business together. They still plan on taking family holidays together, work together etc... it is really bizarre that they don't seem separated at all. He said it's because they have to/want to remain friends for the sake of the child - which I totally understand - and encourage.

But there's zero 'separation' and I feel like his life is some strange juggling act. He's constantly messaging and taking her calls even when we are together.

Whenever I mention it; I'm told that I 'don't understand' because I don't have a child and that I'm being 'immature'. I'm tired of being made to feel like I am asking too much - when it's really the bare minimum. I work as a Dr so my time is limited.

I'm 32, live alone in London, otherwise have a great life, friends etc...

Should I just break this off and not waste anymore of my time?

I did and married him and have a 12 year old step son who I love very much. Husbands relationship with ex is nothing like this and he's also never been to me like your partner is.

And I would still advise anyone I know against it.

It's absolutely not worth it for you.
If I was your age with no children and a good job, I would opt not to date men with children unless someone absolutely blew my mind. This man clearly doesn't. He's not nice to you, dismisses your reasonable concerns and calls you immature. And the ex wife will always be in the relationship.

As others have stated, the problem is not the the child.
It actually sounds like he is in love with the ex. Are you sure you are not just around in a pathetic attempt to make her jealous?

its easier if they don’t have baggage

You’re in a throuple - you, him & his xP. Is that what you want for the rest of your life, cos I know it’s not what I would want.

Anyway, he deserves to be ditched for calling you “immature” - you’re a doctor FFS, you can’t get much more mature than that. By calling you immature he’s trying to “neg” you and make you doubt yourself so you fall in line with what he wants.

Throw this one back in...

I agree with everyone else, it's too complicated. If he is calling you immature and saying you don't understand because you do r have a child can you honestly see it getting better?

Out of interest why did they split?

Far too complicated. They share not only a child, but also a business? In constant contact? And he says you're immature and don't understand because you're not a parent? What a catch!

There has to be someone better out there. I'd keep looking.

How much are you involved in family events or is he keeping you very distant from any involvement with child/mother?

I was a couple of years younger than you when I went out with a chap who had a young child. I met the Boy's Mother and she told me she preferred dealing with me with the Boy's needs than the father! So I was very clear where I stood in that picture...

if you are being kept at arms length, then I would suggest to you it's time you moved on. For your own sake.

As a doctor, like my DD, you know how to make tough decisions and how to break bad news - stick a DNR on this relationship; you know what to do and how to do it. One of the most impressive things I've seen with the way my DD is how she has handler her personal relationships - head ruling her heart - and she has absolutely made a very similar decision after a year with a nice enough guy - she would have moved to do her F1/2 years with him IF he had said he was thinking the relationship was going somewhere - a difficult question to ask after dating for only 1 year but - she asked the question that needed to be asked as she had big decisions to make. He never gave her a solid answer so she broke the bad news - dated (basically interviewed) a lot of people in a 6 week period and she's still with the guy she hooked up with 5 years down the line.

I like what @WhereYouLeftIt wrote "he's really not emotionally available for a relationship."

No way. His dismissal of you is way out of line. It will start to apply to other situations where you dare query his approach.

His life is way too intertwined with his ex and they have no boundaries. If he wants a new relationship then he has to prioritise that too. Obviously not above the child but certainly above continuing his relationship with the ex, which is what he is doing. Emotionally and codependently if not sexually.

Ditch this one. It’s got less to do with the child and more to do with still being enmeshed in life as a family unit with his ex. It’s not you, it’s him.

As an aside, I never understand people who announce they’re splitting up but then still go on family holidays. No one can move on properly when you’re still acting as a couple, even some of the time. I can’t imagine it does the children from the relationship any good either.

Well he's basically still with his wife in all meaningful ways, they're (probably) just not sleeping together which presumably is where you come in 😳 let's say you married him and had your own kids together, would he still be taking family holidays with them? Are you sure he's actually separated? This doesn't sound healthy for the kids if they are as it'll just be confusing them.

People can have children and date but they need to be properly separated.

Remaining friendly for the sake of the child doesn't have to extend to taking holidays together and constantly texting/ phoning - that is actually quite unhealthy if they are meant to have broken up and be leading separate lives.

If he wants to date new people, he needs more clearly defined boundaries.

I wouldn't do it - you will never be the priority over his ex.

Op I suggest that you head over to the step parenting board on here and have a browse of the threads there, you'll find some recurring themes. I'm 100% in agreement with 100% of responses, this relationship will only bring misery for you.
@EFJM Has very eloquently outlined the almost inevitable reasons why you should run for your life!

You are 32, don't waste your good years on this man who is entangled with his ex.

Move on and find someone with a more straightforward life, and preferably no DC.

I don't think dating someone with a child is an issue. I hope it isn't!! I have 2 and I am fully separated from my ex. We are cordial for the kids and communicate about them but I don't like him or respect him. I want to spend less time around him not more.

The issue here is the connection between your dp, his ex and their (but especially his) disregard of your feelings.

Move on.

I was going to say dating someone with kids is totally fine, as I’ve been with my partner 10 years (his youngest was 2 when we met). But your guys set up doesn’t sound normal. Dp doesn’t do anything with his ex. They communicate in a civil manner for parenting purposes and that’s it. He does always take her calls, but that’s just in case it’s an emergency. If say we were out for dinner he would answer, but shut things down if it wasn’t an emergency and suggest that she either send a text or call later/tomorrow as he’s busy.

Exactly what I thought. He is getting everything from the not-so-ex except sex, so he's "dating" you. Box ticked, need fulfilled. Chuck him back!

Run.
You are the outsider

Sounds rubbish.
Life's too short.

I know someone who moved in with his new partner snd her husband! He himself stayed living in the same house with his ex for a couple years due to the kids and finances. I believe they are in separate houses now but it all seemed a bit weird. But they said it was fine and everyone got on and it suited the circumstances with the kids.
I couldn't do it. If my husband worked with his ex - even that would give me pause, though I know that's not unusual. But throw in kids, and the fact they still are playing happy family by going on holidays - nope. He's not putting you in the role of partner, more like something on the side.

Thank you so much all your messages. I am relieved if nothing else, to know that I was not going crazy. I called it quits. I don't have time to waste. Head over heart. As my profession goes... and says: Time of death 1:00pm.

Such is life.

I am deeply touched by everyone's response and saddened to hear of people who have regretted choices and thus become resentful/angry. You all deserve better. May you find the happiness, safety, respect, compassion - and most importantly; love; that you so deserve.

@dmwalker it's a tough call to have to make even if it does seem the best decision. My Dr DD says she does actually see miracles in her work - very little is really text book in a lot of her work - but she, says, the miracles happen about 200x less often than friends and family of seriously ill patients want to believe. It sounded to me like you needed a miracle to turn the relationship around. Over a year after my DD split - her ex contacting her to sound out his chances... sounded like he had regrets but it was far too late. She's with a lovely guy now who puts her at the centre of his life - I'm really happy for her because she was so upset having to go through a breakup she didn't really want at that time. I was impressed that she had the mental toughness to make the decision and by what she did afterwards to control the narrative of her life. Good luck with what comes next.

You are a woman who had a good education and now do a job which was my dream but i wasnt clever enough for.
Your way too good for this idiot.
Ditch him like a landing on water.