Dating someone with a child. Worth it?

[dmwalker]

I've been seeing someone who has a child. (I wouldn't ordinarily date someone with a child). Been together 7 months, but friends for many years prior. Dates are often cut short because he can't manage his time, his ex still contacts him daily as they run a business together. They still plan on taking family holidays together, work together etc... it is really bizarre that they don't seem separated at all. He said it's because they have to/want to remain friends for the sake of the child - which I totally understand - and encourage.

But there's zero 'separation' and I feel like his life is some strange juggling act. He's constantly messaging and taking her calls even when we are together.

Whenever I mention it; I'm told that I 'don't understand' because I don't have a child and that I'm being 'immature'. I'm tired of being made to feel like I am asking too much - when it's really the bare minimum. I work as a Dr so my time is limited.

I'm 32, live alone in London, otherwise have a great life, friends etc...

Should I just break this off and not waste anymore of my time?

Dating people with kids doesn’t need to be this stressful.
My OH didn’t meet my DD until we’d been dating 9 months. He has never spoken to my ex. I hear from my ex-H maybe once a month or so by text only to arrange pick up times or something. I can’t think of anything worse than holidaying with my ex-H. I rarely need to change arrangements with OH (it does happen now and then) because of issues with my DD. My ex doesn’t ring me and I don’t ring him.

He sounds far far too involved. Dump!

Don’t waste another minute, it won’t change it will get worse and you’ll be in a relationship with them and never a priority. I was at the back of the queue for 4 years thinking it will change & get easier then it got worse. I’m with a lovely man who has children and an ex who gets the balance right and now see how awful that was and can’t believe I did it for so long. His Mother used to say to me what a trooper I was - I was a mug! Don’t waste your 30’s like I did.

That was exactly my reaction too. The 'immature' in particular - 'attack is the best form of defence', as it were. He has very poor boundaries. I would ditch, he's really not emotionally available for a relationship.

Nah

There's nothing wrong with dating someone normal with a child. But he ain't

Didn't like the casual blaming you calling you immature either.

Dump him. And don’t let him put you off someone with a child in future. Most single parents don’t behave like this.

32 with a great life, and friends. Is it really great? Otherwise why would you even feel the need to bother with this man, and all the hassle that comes with him?

There are other men out there and better ways to have a relationship than being a man's sideline

I could have written this post myself 3 years ago. My honest advice…DO NOT DO IT. You’ll ruin your life.

Whilst his child is the priority and rightly so you won’t even be close to being an equal and your entire life will be based around the fact he has this child. You’ll give up the right to an opinion and the right to make decisions on your future because you guessed it…he has a child. You’ll be forever hearing those words.

Don’t be me. I am 3 years in and stupidly thought things would change but they didn’t and we now have a baby together. I’m utterly miserable. And I’m angry…but I’m angry at myself for being so stupid. His ex is forever a presence in our lives in some way. Like your situation she was constantly phoning and texting. Snapping her fingers and he’d go running. She once phoned at 6am when we were in bed asleep because their 8 year old couldn’t find his other yellow sock!! I’m not joking.

I’m bearing the brunt now of his inability to set realistic and healthy boundaries years before he even met me. Yes they need to co-parent and yes they’ll be times when there’s ‘emergencies’ but separating as a couple means just that….being separate. Your guy and mine don’t seem to see this. All my choices are taken away from me from how we spend our free time, to where we live , holidays etc etc it goes on.

And don’t even start me on the child themselves. You can’t comment anything remotely negative on their behaviour or attitude. You’re just expected to sit back and keep quiet whilst these idiots do their Disney dadding. And again you’ll forever hear… “that’s my son/daughter” whilst they attempt some lame excuse for their behaviour. Often this will be happening in your own home and yet you have no control over it.

You also won’t be remotely allowed to voice any unhappiness because you’ll always be the unreasonable one. You knew what it was like to date a man with kids blah blah. But you know what 1. You don’t know what it’s like until it happens and 2. It’s up to the guy to set boundaries and respect you.

He simply should not be dating anyone unless he’s able to give the time, respect and commitment to nurture a new relationship. How dare he say you are immature…he’s turning the tables because he knows you are right. And ditching you to go running. Ask yourself this…if a bloke ditched you in a restaurant on a date would you want to see him again? My guess is you’d tell him where to go.

Get out while you can, you deserve better

Doctor, from a potential patient, please don't do this! Your brain and stomach will be screwed into knots and you'll be fighting to keep your focus on your work. You need a highly supportive partner, not one that forces you to organize your life and home around them and theirs.

He's not separated enough so I'd leave them both to it. You deserve better.

He’s not the right one for you and that’s ok. If it’s bothering you now wait until you are married!

The thing is when kids and exs are involved it's like a mini office,.some times you'll have the bosses attention, but then other times you'll be waiting in line.

For me if my ex wanted to try again, I would be intrigued to see how it would plan out, and I would give it a good attempt if the opportunity was there.

Hell no

Nope. Why settle for this?

Whenever I mention it; I'm told that I 'don't understand' because I don't have a child and that I'm being 'immature'.
He's the one that doesn't understand and is being immature. You aren't a prop for a dummy daddy who likes to make you feel.small to boost his own ego.
I'm tired of being made to feel like I am asking too much - when it's really the bare minimum. I work as a Dr so my time is limited.
You are not asking too much.You are asking to be respected and valued. You are worth so much more.
I'm 32, live alone in London, otherwise have a great life, friends etc...
You can do better. You live in an amazing city doing an amazing job. And please remember that adage. Never make someone priority when they treat you as an option. Your hopefully soon to be ex should be your lowest priority. Make yourself your priority not this prat.

He still sounds too emeshed for anything else except on his terms 100% which leave no room for yours

No. Not even when you have kids of your own.

Ditch him. He sounds like he has no boundaries in his relationships.

Yes, I would break up with him if I were in your shoes. I would also think twice about dating someone with a child (which I know is unfair, as I have one). I agree that it's best when separated parents try to maintain a good relationship for the sake of their child, but this doesn't mean multiple calls/messages a day.

Nope.

HTH

This OP.
You're letting yourself in for a world of hurt.
Run.

Whenever I mention it; I'm told that I 'don't understand' because I don't have a child and that I'm being 'immature'.

Oh my god the patronising bastard. How on Earth have you lasted 7 months?!

This is spectacularly dysfunctional and neither of them will have a successful relationship while they’re so entangled.

Kid and ex aside how dare he speak to you that way. Please chuck him back and tell him why, he’s got no business dating anyone else while still tied to his ex.

This guy should not be dating. Shame he’s too immature to realise that. Show him the door

I don't think you should date him- it sounds too complicated and him calling you immature is a red flag.

I think it also depends your nature and what stage you're at in your life re dating parents. I've avoided dating parents because I'm still happy going away for the weekend, eating at restaurants and binge drinking, or going to a spa - I don't think any of this is compatible with a parent who likely has their kid at the weekends, so it wouldn't be fair on the kid or the parent (& I'd grow resentful from compromising). I wanted someone to couple up with, not be a family with iyswim. But this might not be the case for you!

The child isn’t the issue, it’s the way he’s handling the situation and deprioritising your feelings. And the immature comment is just offensive.

But we can’t tell you whether to ditch him! If he’s charming, gorgeous, amazing in bed, a great listener, and rich then maybe give him another chance. If not don’t bother.

Nothing about this is to do with the kid and everything to do with an absolutely mental non-split. I’m a SM to two and it was never like you describe.

Run.