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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH out every Sunday evening

40 replies

RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 15:57

DH has a hobby that involves getting together with a few other guys. This used to usually be a Friday or Saturday evening for a couple of hours and he usually went out after the kids were ready for bed etc. This was fine.

Now it has changed to Sunday evenings and instead of him leaving about 8pm it's now more like 6pm and he gets home about 10.30 or even later. So basically now dinner has become a rush and then he dashes out and I'm left to sort DC, Ddog and any other jobs that still need doing. If it was another evening I wouldn't mind but I suppose I have always seen Sunday evenings as time to chill together before the next hectic week starts and I look forward this one small bit of downtime that we get. Suppose I feel a bit of a mug now that I valued this time and he clearly didn't 😔

For context, we have two young children, the youngest still can be very difficult at bedtime so it's not like I will get a nice evening to myself. Last night I spent most of the evening trying to get DS to settle and then tidied up a bit, feed dog and felt like going to bed myself after that feeling a bit miserable as, well it just feels a crappy end to the weekend really.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 22/08/2022 16:14

You aren't losing any time with him though. The time he was away on Fridays or Saturdays, he is now at home. Dinner doesn't have to be a rush unless you want it that way. You both have almost the whole weekend to make sure that there aren't any other jobs that need doing. So kindly, I think YAB a bit U.

luxxlisbon · 22/08/2022 16:16

So he only does it 1 night a week? I think you are being unreasonable, you are holding up Sunday as this special thing when it really doesn’t need to be. There is no reason you can’t pause the chores and things after dinner on a mid week or a Friday night and make that time to chill and relax together.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 22/08/2022 16:19

One evening a week? That’s hardly unreasonable. If you want to feel like it’s fair then get him to do bedtime on Friday or Saturday. But going out for a few hours one evening a week really is not unreasonable.

Original poster
RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:20

I know but like I said, our week is very hectic so we don't really get any downtime together during the week, day or evening.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 22/08/2022 16:25

RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:20

I know but like I said, our week is very hectic so we don't really get any downtime together during the week, day or evening.

But there is no reason any other night has to be more hectic than a Sunday, you are making it like that in your head. If mid week is really that difficult for you then you can do a Saturday night together. Make a quick pasta dinner for the kids so there’s no washing up and order a takeaway when the kids have gone to bed.
Its unreasonable to claim the only possible night you can spend time with your husband just so happens to be the one night a week he has plans. If he was out every weekend might then it’s a massive issue, but one evening? Everyone is allowed to have a life outside their spouse and children, it doesn’t mean you love them any less.

Suppose I feel a bit of a mug now that I valued this time and he clearly didn't 😔
This is really unfair to your DH and quite dramatic.

Hoolahulahoop · 22/08/2022 16:28

I understand if that was your special night. I find (only my opinion) men will make time for hobbies regardless. Make sure your dh does bedtime tonight! Also dinner.

Can you go out even if it's just for a coffee ☕ let him at it.

SallyWD · 22/08/2022 16:37

I'd be absolutely fine with this. One night a week? That's fine (I'd also arrange nights out for myself!). Just be flexible. Have your main meal at lunch time on Sundays and something simple like toast on Sunday evenings.

Fairislefandango · 22/08/2022 16:38

I don't see why it makes any difference that it's Sunday evening rather than Saturday evening. You may have always viewed Sunday evenings in that particular light, but that doesn't mean other people do. If you are busy every evening Mon-Fri, surely Saturday evening is just as good a time to relax together as Sunday is?

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 16:38

I suppose I have always seen Sunday evenings as time to chill together before the next hectic week starts and I look forward this one small bit of downtime that we get. Suppose I feel a bit of a mug now that I valued this time and he clearly didn't

I don't understand why you can't have 'downtime' together on a Friday or Saturday night, though? I'm sure he values time with you, but simply doesn't have a strong preference for a specific day on
which to spend that time.

One evening a week doesn't seem that big a deal to me at all. I'd much rather have Friday evenings with my other half than Sunday nights. So I think that just because you personally like that one specific time to spend with your DH, YABU to think that it should be sacrosanct and that he should feel the same way about a certain day of the week.

Original poster
RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:39

Without going into the exact details of both our work schedules and DC activities, basically Sunday is the only day not tied up much with other stuff. When he did his thing on Fridays I didn't mind as I am knackered from work (I do long days 10+ hour days) so evening was a write off anyway. Saturdays we often get back later from days out or visiting the GPs so by the time everything is sorted, the evening is gone really. Hence why Sundays always used to be the one evening we actually relaxed together.

By no means am I saying he can't have a life and do the thing he enjoys but now it's changed to Sundays, this now takes away the only time in the week we had to relax.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 22/08/2022 16:39

Time away for hobbies is fine and when it’s sensible like this then it should be encouraged

why not carve out time for you to do something for you?

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/08/2022 16:39

Once a week is quite reasonable.

What is your hobby?

SallyWD · 22/08/2022 16:42

"Suppose I feel a bit of a mug now that I valued this time and he clearly didn't 😔". This sentence does sound like emotional blackmail and rather manipulative. I very much value time with my DH but also see the importance of seeing friends and having outside interests.

Sirzy · 22/08/2022 16:43

With two young children if things are so busy then I would cut back their activities. They don’t need loads!

Original poster
RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:48

I used to do a sport but again, very limited time when I could fit this in so ended up giving up on it as I was always too shattered to enjoy it or get much out of it. I do want to try and get back into it. Would love to cut my hours and have more of a life but I'm the main earner.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 22/08/2022 16:48

RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:39

Without going into the exact details of both our work schedules and DC activities, basically Sunday is the only day not tied up much with other stuff. When he did his thing on Fridays I didn't mind as I am knackered from work (I do long days 10+ hour days) so evening was a write off anyway. Saturdays we often get back later from days out or visiting the GPs so by the time everything is sorted, the evening is gone really. Hence why Sundays always used to be the one evening we actually relaxed together.

By no means am I saying he can't have a life and do the thing he enjoys but now it's changed to Sundays, this now takes away the only time in the week we had to relax.

You are being really inflexible. None of the things you have listed are a reason as to why it is impossible to have a glass of wine together or watch a movie on a Friday or Saturday night. Surely if the kids are young they are in bed at a fair similar time, so there is “equal” child free time any night?

PermanentTemporary · 22/08/2022 16:48

I get this totally from your pov, but I also think you are giving it emotional significance in your relationship that it doesn't need to have [sits on fence]

So don't let it undermine you as a couple, but also it's ok to say to him that you loved that time together on Sunday evening, and to ask if there's any other options for him to meet up with the guys another time, because it leaves you feeling that you are bottom of the heap.

Alternatively can you take some of the pressure off Saturday somehow? Are there things he could do on Saturday or hobbies/kid activities you could cut, for the sake of the way you feel about your life? You're worth it.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/08/2022 16:51

I know what you mean OP, Sunday is different. It's a time to check you are ready for the next week. I would feel unsettled by a partner going out then too, if I had small kids and work etc.

LadyLapsang · 22/08/2022 16:52

Why has the timing of the hobby evening changed- is it a club or just a few friends getting together?

Original poster
RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:53

Tbf the DC don't do loads, it's just due to our work hours, their activities have always been squeezed into my day off or weekends. I suppose we could look at whether it's possible for DH to at least start taking them to swimming after work on a Friday as he finishes earlier that day. Not sure how youngest DC would cope with that at the end of the week though as tired by then.

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 22/08/2022 16:53

RubbishSundays · 22/08/2022 16:39

Without going into the exact details of both our work schedules and DC activities, basically Sunday is the only day not tied up much with other stuff. When he did his thing on Fridays I didn't mind as I am knackered from work (I do long days 10+ hour days) so evening was a write off anyway. Saturdays we often get back later from days out or visiting the GPs so by the time everything is sorted, the evening is gone really. Hence why Sundays always used to be the one evening we actually relaxed together.

By no means am I saying he can't have a life and do the thing he enjoys but now it's changed to Sundays, this now takes away the only time in the week we had to relax.

Maybe you need to scale back on Saturdays.

hellcatspangle · 22/08/2022 16:54

I think it's a case of just trying to rearrange things a bit so it doesn't feel like a huge rush.

Could you fit example eat main meal at lunchtime (I always prefer that on a Sunday, as it means a more relaxing afternoon)

Maybe make a list of things that need doing and make sure he does his fair share before he leaves? Do kids bathtime early so he can help before leaving?

Christmasiscominghohoho · 22/08/2022 16:56

Scale back on Saturdays and spends sat evenings together?

PermanentTemporary · 22/08/2022 16:57

Just saying that after 3 weeks in a row of having a screaming row with ds after swimming because we were both exhausted, I gave up swimming lessons. Ds learned far more in one week of the next holidays when we swam every day. Consider dumping it.

UrsulaPandress · 22/08/2022 16:59

I know exactly what you mean OP.

Sundays have a totally different feel to any other day of the week. Used to get that nervous stomach thing before school or work on a Sunday evening. Still get it now I’m retired. 🤔😂

It’s nice to make sure everything is ready for the coming week and I’d be pushed off if that had been left to me.

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