In-law and the ex

[Summerinparis]

Posting here to vent as I guess there’s nothing really I can do on a practical level. Name changed as some close friends are on here and don’t want this to be too outing.

Been with my partner 4 years and we have an 8 month old baby. We live in his home town close to his parents who we are on really good terms with. My entire family and most of my friends are 300 miles away down south. Since having my baby I’ve struggled. I’ve made some ‘mum friends’ but no one really close and most of my other friends from this area are working and busy. It’s lonely…like many new mums find it. Partner works long, demanding hours and we’ve been renovating our house until recently. Baby doesn’t sleep well at night and has never been a good napper in the day so I’m utterly exhausted. I also have a medical condition- not serious thankfully- but a big part of that is tiredness. I also do nearly all of the housework/life admin.

Which brings me to my next point. Partner and his ex (split 11 years ago well before he met me) have a child who we have regular contact with. The child is 12 so self sufficient in many ways but yet my in laws constantly go on and on about how his ex is struggling and needs help and has had it tough. They say it’s hard because she must be skint etc. They are constantly offering to babysit to the point they are taking my stepdaughter away on holiday next week so the mum can have a breather. I am under no doubt being a single mum is tough and I admire single parents everywhere, I’ve learnt how hard parenting is. But it’s like they constantly feel sorry for her. She works two afternoons a week only despite her daughter being in secondary school so if she was truly skint she’s got the ability to work more hours. My partner pays over the minimum amount and always has done, he’s been a great hands on father over the years and her family-whom I know she is close to and also provide childcare- are 2 mins away.

i don’t understand the need to be so supportive to her yet I’m genuinely finding things hard. My partner told MIL I was struggling months ago so she offered to take the baby a morning a week but never followed up. Recently when I asked her to take baby for a few hours she was too busy. Do they feel sorry for her or have some sort of feeling of loyalty?

I appreciate it was my responsibility to have a baby and I know it shouldn’t feel like me against her but it does. Where does this mindset of their’s come from?

Bump

I’d probably rather look after a 12 year old I know well for a week than an 8 month old baby for a morning. The work involved just isn’t comparable. How old are they? Remember they were over a decade younger when the first child was born, maybe they genuinely are too tired/busy or maybe they feel they have done their bit with looking after little ones. Or maybe they’re worried if they don’t help her then the ex might withhold access to the oldest. Maybe they’re worried if they start offering you significant help too then they’ll be overwhelmed. Maybe they feel their son wronged the ex and are trying to make amends. Many many possibilities and I don’t think it really matters at the end of the day - they’ve made it clear what they’re willing to do.

I’d tackle it from a different angle - can you get a cleaner? Send baby to nursery/childminder? Can your family visit? Can your partner take some time off work?

I'd suggest asking them again. If you feel close enough to them, explain it is difficult for the reasons you have listed here but do not include the ex or the other grandchild in the conversation.
I've been a single mother for 5 months now and have had more offers of help in that time than I had in the first 2.5 years of my child's life. It seems people are unwilling to help much when a partner/father is around. The expectation is they're helping, mine wasn't as he's as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike and yours isn't as he's working.
It needs you to open up and actually ask for some support. Acknowledge your OH does help but not to the extent you need. It could also be the age difference, a 12 year old is easier than a young baby but you'll never know unless you ask.

You have a partner who supports you, she does not. you're on maternity leave, she's working. It's summer holiday so she's juggling childcare and working hours. Why wouldn't the grandparents offer to take the dgd on holiday? Maybe they enjoy their grand daughter's company. They'll have a great time together. It will benefit all of them.

They have a 12 year relationship with the child whereas yours is only a baby. It all sounds completely reasonable to me.

You aren't entitled to help from the ILs. The ex is still their dgds mother. That hasn't changed so why would they stop supporting her if they want to?

If you are struggling, your partner needs to step up and help more.

Thank you for replying. I didn’t think of it from that angle they may find a baby demanding. That could be the case.

However it does genuinely have a vibe of pity towards the ex. That’s she’s somehow hard done by and I guess I find that frustrating as it’s not the case and she has the ability to have a better life money wise and she does have support around her.

My parents do visit but they both still work so they are limited in what they can do. My dad is also ill. I have asked partner to take an adequate amount of annual leave but says he’s too busy. The odd day here and there isn’t sufficient to provide a proper break. We need a full week off together or something. Childminder yes I’m looking into that and happy to do that. I just would love the family support to be directed differently.

appreciate your reply

They have an established relationship with their granddaughter who they will love in her own right. I wouldn’t assume the only reason they’re taking her on holiday is to do her mum a favour, it’s probably more to do with the fact that they love their granddaughter and want to spend time with her. It’s irrelevant to their relationship with you or their ex dil.

When you asked your mil to take the baby did you mean at a specific time that she couldn’t do, or that she’s refused to babysit any time ever? A 12yo is a lot easier to card for than an 8 month old.

@MintJulia you’re right I agree I’m not entitled to help from them. And of course I understand they have a relationship with her, that doesn’t change.

it’s more the pity angle I’m confused at. I’m just struggling to understand directing so much help and somehow who likely doesn’t need it half as much as me. Not to say she doesn’t struggle I’ve acknowledged things will be tough but on a practical level she’s not up doing night feeds, changing nappies, baby screaming etc. Equally her childcare is covered by her sister during the holidays but she only works a few hours

@ClocksGoingBackwards it was for a specific time for a specific reason. I had a hospital appointment and my partner was unfortunately working away that day and couldn’t change anything at work

Your parnter may have split up from his ex but his parents didn't. They know and love their granddaughter, and like her mother. That's very healthy. They aren't taking their granddaughter on holiday as a help, they are doing it because they love her and want to spend time with her, and she's of an age to not need mucvh looking after.

Babies are bloody knackering, especially as you get older. I noticed a difference between eldest and youngest in how tired I was, so it's not surprising they are far more willing to have the 12 year old they can chat with than an 8 month old who is physically much more demanding.

She's on her own, and you have a partner. Who incidentally sounds like he needs to step up.

@InsertPunHere they are taking her away as a help. Her mum phoned by MIL and asked her to take her for a bit. They’ll be happy to do so as they get to see her but they are doing it as they were asked

We need a full week off together or something.
Do you mean they should have your 8 mo for a week because they have had his other 12 year old?
It will be much harder for her to juggle school holidays and work (even if you don’t think it’s a lot) as a single parent. That isn’t the same as doing weekly childcare for someone who is off on maternity leave imo, nor is having a 12 year old anywhere near the same as having a baby. Most people wouldn’t even want to spend a week not with their baby!

Does your partner take the child on holiday (as this is their responsibility)
also your partner pays the minimum , does he also do the minimum to this child as a father ?

to be honest he doesn’t come out well from your op and the in laws are just trying to have a relationship with their GD which not sure what the problem is.

I think you should stop comparing your situation with hers, and judging whether people should help her/feel sorry for her. It sounds like it's starting to get to you. It would be a shame to let it spoil your maternity leave.

Her hours are none of your business. I don't understand the benefits system but even I know there are points where working more hours isn't worth it. You can't know her financial situation so best to keep out of it. Enjoy your husband and baby and forget about what others have or don't have.

Just because she’s not doing night feeds etc doesn’t mean her life is not tough. Imagine how your life would be if your partner wasn’t there , not a break etc. it’d be tough as hell. Being a parent isn’t easy. Please don’t try to break their relationship with their GD because your life isn’t easy currently or this might come back to you and bite you

I think you are looking to your DH’s parents for practical help and support rather than looking to him, he’s the one who should be stepping up and making sure you get decent rest. Yes the hospital appointment was unfortunate but maybe they had something else on, even now hospital clinics can reschedule appointments if you give them plenty of notice.
Your in-laws are going to see new baby because their son and you are together, so can enjoy grandparent time without having to do childcare. With the ex she’s probably not going to pop round to theirs or invite them over so the only way to see their older grandchild is to do childcare.
I had a gap of 11 years between my 2 children and my parents were much more involved with the older one because they were so much younger and in better health back then.

Can your DH say to his parents - look I am working long hours and OP is finding it quite hard as she does not get enough sleep and her family are hundreds of miles away. He could then suggest that maybe they could help out a little - maybe have your DC for an afternoon or morning - keep it fairly short at first in case they find a baby too tiring. They may not have the imagination to realise you are struggling.

I doubt his mum is particularly impressed that her adult son’s response to his partner struggling with the baby is to tell her that she should offer to help you with childcare. He needs to be the one giving you a break - if that means cutting his work hours down or putting the house renovation on hold for a while, that’s what needs to happen.

I have a friend with a ten-year-old and a friend with a baby. There’s no chance I’d offer to look after the baby, particularly not as a regular commitment such as a morning a week. Whereas I’ve taken the ten-year-old on day trips and away for weekends because it’s easier. They’re a proper person and can voice their needs rather than crying.

They’ll also want to retain the relationship they have with their son’s ex because they’ll lose regular contact with their granddaughter if they don’t. That isn’t a risk whilst you’re still in a relationship with their son.

You have a partner problem not an IL problem. Your partner needs to step up, take leave, do the admin etc etc. Why are you not sorting this out. Also agree with others they have know the 12 year old for 12 years. 12 year olds can be good company. They probably feel guilty too that their son failed in his marriage.

Thanks for the replies, lots to think about there.

@luxxlisbon no sorry I meant my partner needs to take a week off to spend with me and the baby. I would never expect someone to take an 8 month old away on holiday for a week without me.

@EasterIssland he actually pays more than minimum and has taken her on holidays yes. He recently took her camping two weeks ago for the weekend and I stayed home. Prior to baby we took her away to Spain etc and she’s been away with him alone. Also I’d never expect the grandparents not to see her. I don’t want to ‘break’ anyones relationship. I’m just trying to understand their reasoning for the pity angle that’s directed a lot.

as PP have said above perhaps they assume my partner is more hands on. Or it’s simply easier to care for a 12 year old

How much does your partner actually see his other child?

Your partner needs to step up to support you parenting the baby

@missbipolar every Tuesday after school. Alternate weekends and holidays are split 50/50.

I have registered just to let you know my opinion. As a child of divorced parents my grandparents had always treated me differently from all the other grandchildren. It’s not out of pity from my mom, it was out of pity for me.
If a mom with so little to do feels really stressed with a 12yo, maybe grandparents think that there is some inequacy there she’ll be better with them and therefore offer to babysit and such.
My grandparents come from the age where they saw the divorce as the worst thing that could happen to me, and have been trying to compensate here and there, so other people think Im the preferred grandchild.
but in their view the other grandchildren didn’t need them that much, emotionally and financially. I agree with them btw, I did need them more comparatively.

@Nyna thank you for your reply and for hearing it from that perspective. I’m sorry to hear you had a tough time and sounds like your GParents registered that and made a bigger effort. I did suspect that could be the case here too it’s just the only articulate it as to be doing the mum favours rather than just explicitly saying they want to see their granddaughter more etc.

i totally see your side in this now so thank you