In-law and the ex

[Summerinparis]

Posting here to vent as I guess there’s nothing really I can do on a practical level. Name changed as some close friends are on here and don’t want this to be too outing.

Been with my partner 4 years and we have an 8 month old baby. We live in his home town close to his parents who we are on really good terms with. My entire family and most of my friends are 300 miles away down south. Since having my baby I’ve struggled. I’ve made some ‘mum friends’ but no one really close and most of my other friends from this area are working and busy. It’s lonely…like many new mums find it. Partner works long, demanding hours and we’ve been renovating our house until recently. Baby doesn’t sleep well at night and has never been a good napper in the day so I’m utterly exhausted. I also have a medical condition- not serious thankfully- but a big part of that is tiredness. I also do nearly all of the housework/life admin.

Which brings me to my next point. Partner and his ex (split 11 years ago well before he met me) have a child who we have regular contact with. The child is 12 so self sufficient in many ways but yet my in laws constantly go on and on about how his ex is struggling and needs help and has had it tough. They say it’s hard because she must be skint etc. They are constantly offering to babysit to the point they are taking my stepdaughter away on holiday next week so the mum can have a breather. I am under no doubt being a single mum is tough and I admire single parents everywhere, I’ve learnt how hard parenting is. But it’s like they constantly feel sorry for her. She works two afternoons a week only despite her daughter being in secondary school so if she was truly skint she’s got the ability to work more hours. My partner pays over the minimum amount and always has done, he’s been a great hands on father over the years and her family-whom I know she is close to and also provide childcare- are 2 mins away.

i don’t understand the need to be so supportive to her yet I’m genuinely finding things hard. My partner told MIL I was struggling months ago so she offered to take the baby a morning a week but never followed up. Recently when I asked her to take baby for a few hours she was too busy. Do they feel sorry for her or have some sort of feeling of loyalty?

I appreciate it was my responsibility to have a baby and I know it shouldn’t feel like me against her but it does. Where does this mindset of their’s come from?

Hi I didn’t know where to post this. My daughter split with her partner about 3 months ago. They have a son who is 3 today. Ex’s mother isn’t showing up today for 3rd birthday, some lame excuse, but she was invited, she’s kept all his gifts at hers, but we found out she has sneakily organised a family (her family only) birthday party for him Friday knowing his mum is at work. The ex and my daughter have stayed friends and take grandson for teas etc together. So there’s no reason to exclude her, they still do things together . My daughter is very upset, is there anything she can do? She has been really reasonable about access etc.

I think you need to create your own post about this in relationships thread maybe? It will get more responses that way.

Thanks

so she is alone with a child 12 out of 14 days (minus 2 days "after school") and you think that's not tough? You have your child 100% of the time of course, but that's not really much less than her and you have a partner helping and earning and sharing the emtional burden.

What your ILs are doing for the mother of their grandchild is kind. I would lay off the comparisons and stop being jealous. Because that is what it sounds like is the issue.

She has an involved co parent and family help from both sides. OP has no family help at all.

I’d like to say wait h til yours is 12 and then tell me how self sufficient they are. They might not want to need their mum but they do need guidance a lot and they step wrong a lot. It’s emitjjbally a very hard age for them too, my DS was so emotional at 12 and my DD is just so grumpy now that she is 12.
also doing it alone (10 years for me with 3 DC) is tough, everything falls on just you.

maybe instead of asking them to take your baby out for a few hours you ask them round for coffee and encourage them to just hold baby.

No matter how difficult you found 12 year olds, they are objectively far more self sufficient than a baby under one year.

Yes but OP is minimising the other parents struggles when she doesn’t have a clue what those might be.
yea babies are tiring but easy AF compared to older kids

The ex has a 12yo and works 2 afternoons a week and has family 2 mins away and exPIL constantly offering to babysit and taking their DGD away for a week to give her a break. I'd say she has it pretty good.

I think you are focusing too much on your DPs ex. You can’t control how much spare time she does or doesn’t have, but you should be able to control the workload is split between you and your DP.

As others have said, is he doing a fair and equal share with your joint child and around your joint home? If not then the solution is for him to step up more, rather than expect his parents to make up for his lack of support.

I do think that there is an issue with you being so far away from your family and therefore the fact that they cannot support you more. I think you / your DP need to ask his parents to babysit occasionally so that you can spend time just the two of you. I still think that you need to change the focus from, ‘they should babysit because they are helping out DPs ex’, to ‘it will be nice for DC to spend time with grandparents and you and DP will get some time together’.

She has more than a clue what they might be. She knows that the ex has far more help and support than she does.

It's interesting that the posters here are reinforcing exactly the thing that OP is talking about.
Single parent: always thought to have the harder life, no matter what. No matter if they have a co parent who has the child/ren 50% of the time so lots and lots of free time, even if they work extremely part time, even if they have family on both sides giving childcare, holidays, and support.
Married parent: no family near, young baby, uninterested inlaws...told to shut the fuck up and get on with it and feel sorry for the single mother.

It's not only grossly unfair, its patronising as fuck to single mothers.

He doesn't have the child 50% of the time. He has one evening a week, Eow and half the holidays. The ex no doubt does all the hands on practical stuff, uniforms, kit, hobbies, homework, dramas, moods, tech issues (sorting out phone storage, contracts, password issues takes an unusually large chunk of my time). I actually find my 12 yo DD and teen son far more emotionally draining than when they were babies and hugely appreciate the help I get from grandparents. Sorry Op, but assuming your partner is a decent father to your baby and does his share of parenting, YABU.