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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel suffocated by friend?

34 replies

PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 14:41

I have known my friend for nearly 3 years, started out as colleagues but became friends over lockdown. Still work together.

It’s gotten worse over time but she messages me constantly. If we’re not working she’ll message me on Facebook. If I don’t look she’ll just continue to message. I haven’t looked at Facebook since Friday and she’s sent 10 messages and that’s on the much lower side for her. Same at work over Teams, I’m busy trying to do my job and I’ve actually had to mute her on Teams as she messages me just about constantly. It’s usually about her problems and it’s just constant, I’m going through a tough time myself and she will complain and make a problem about just about everything.

She also is an absolute one upper. If I’ve been to Tenerife she’s been to Elevenerife. She was trying to make plans to go on numerous holidays/weekends away and I told her I was trying to save money to pay off some debt I had been stressed about. Suddenly she now has plenty of money problems too, has no savings, is deep in her overdraft and very stressed. She lives at home for very low rent and buys tonnes and tonnes of stuff each month, and still trying to suggest holidays. Similar with health issues and others.

We went away a couple of months ago (before my money issues) and she still owes me money for the hotel. Everytime is comes up in topic she launches into an explanation of how she’ll have to go in her overdraft to pay it to me and she’s so stressed about money. And then talk about all her other issues to the extent I feel bad for asking for it and I’ve told her I’ll wait until she’s out of her overdraft. But it’s taking the piss now when she’s buying so much crap constantly. While we were away she spent more on merch at the concert we went to than what she owes me for the hotel.

This sounds absolutely pathetic but I do like her as a friend, and I feel sorry for her as I know she’s quite lonely single and living at home with her parents aged 30. I just need her to calm down a bit and rely on me less.

Even just typing this out to post has helped as I don’t really have anyone irl to talk to about it. Advice from anyone who has been through similar would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 18:01

Hopeful bump for the evening rush.

As well as messaging me on teams, since finishing work I’ve had another 5 messages already

OP posts:
pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 22/08/2022 18:35

You need to tell her she messages too much. Honesty is the best policy here op before you end up losing your head about it one day and having a go at her.

Grumpusaurus · 22/08/2022 18:37

Ask about the money over and over! She has zero shame in not paying!

Riverlee · 22/08/2022 18:40

I think you are doing the right thing by not responding to every message. Answer them on your terms not hers.

Regarding the money, don’t back down. If she starts talking about money problems, then set a payment plan. Twenty pounds each payday, for example. You may have to get tough with her if she keeps evading repayment.

You can be a friend, but you don’t have to be responsible for her wellbeing.

Tolkienista · 22/08/2022 18:41

I sympathise with you, but I'm not forward enough to say to someone enough is enough. I have a similar situation but to a much lesser degree and the way I cope is by not answering all messages so that the penny will eventually drop that the conversation is very one sided..........it rarely does!

Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 18:44

Thank you for the replies Smile

I want to tread carefully as I don’t want to lose her as a friend, and she hasn’t always been like this.

More messages this evening - her sister is ill apparently.

Its payday next week so I’ll broach the subject of a payment plan then.

OP posts:
TheCutter · 22/08/2022 18:48

Oh gosh. That's a lot. You need to either be honest with her and tell her it's too much to message constantly (I can't get back to you immediately all the time as I'm working / busy) or slowly step back from the friendship.

If she's a good friend as you say, I'd stop replying to every message or I'd just be honest with her.

Tolkienista · 22/08/2022 18:49

I really sympathise with you, it's hard when so many messages are coming through.......I wonder if you're the only one she opens up to?

Allyouneedislunch · 22/08/2022 18:50

I’d be honest and say you have a lot on your plate at the moment and you just can’t cope with the deluge of messages. You could say that we all deal with things in different ways - her way of coping is by reaching out every 3 bleeding minutes and yours is retreating a bit. We’re all different, and you are there for her, but you are absolutely not responsible for her happiness.

Brigante9 · 22/08/2022 18:52

I have a family member like this. I basically told her I would delete and not read further messages when I got an absolute shitload. For every message she sends, I’d be asking about the money she owes you in reply, every single time. Tell her you are equally stressed/strapped for cash and you’re disappointed she hasn’t yet returned the loan.

icelollycraving · 22/08/2022 18:52

Message her back each time asking when you’ll see your money, as you’re in debt. Every time. Bet she eases off then.

ManateeFair · 22/08/2022 18:54

I know she’s quite lonely, single

It’s not difficult to see why, is it?

Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 18:55

Great ideas thank you everyone Flowers

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 22/08/2022 18:56

I wouldn’t engage in anything else much until she has paid you the money. “Please can you pay me what you owe me. As you know, I am struggling with debts. I can’t help but notice that you are buying nonessential things regularly which makes me wonder why you don’t pay me back? It really bothers me.” Something like that?

SparklingLime · 22/08/2022 18:58

A payment plan??! How much does she owe you?

Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 19:01

@TheCutter i do usually say something along those lines when I read her messages after I’ve not responded for a while, although I usually apologise at the same time. Think I need to not apologise.

@Tolkienista I think this is definitely the case, which again makes it harder.

@Allyouneedislunch I think I’m going to go with that approach, and also say I’m going to have some more device free time for my mental health (which I probably should anyway tbh!)

@Brigante9 and @icelollycraving this is me being an absolute doormat but I do feel bad repeatedly asking for the money, and don’t want to ruin the friendship (I know it wouldn’t really be me etc but still!). I think honestly she has some mental health problems, including anxiety, and he’s got a spending addiction that gives her a little buzz. She can’t stop.

@ManateeFair Yes I do think it’s a bit of a vicious cycle. She’d love to settle down in a relationship I think but honestly if this is what she’s like with a friend I can’t imagine what she’d be like with a boyfriend unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 19:02

@SparklingLime I don’t want to ruin the friendship, or make things awkward at work, which I think being pushy about the money might do. She owes me £260. Due to her low living costs she should be able to pay that in one payday but I don’t see that happening somehow

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 22/08/2022 19:05

@PinkFrogss it’s not you creating an issue, it’s her. She ought to have paid you back by now. You should feel free to keep asking her, she’s the one who has fucked up, not you.

SparklingLime · 22/08/2022 19:08

I’m not sure why you’re so worried about losing the friendship. It might have been good once, but now she someone who freeloads off you and bombards you with messages.

I appreciate that you don’t want her to exit your life completely, but given her dependence on you, how likely is that? It’s a good opportunity to practice putting some boundaries in place.

lola006 · 22/08/2022 19:08

So what do you get out of the friendship, OP? You keep saying you don’t want to ruin it but do you feel like it’s a fairly equal give and take most of the time? I get not making things weird at work but you have every right to take a step back of the messages are too much and you’re owed a substantial amount of money.

There is a very good chance that she knows you won’t be pushy about the money and is banking on that. That’s not friendship on her part, that’s her using you because she knows you won’t rock the boat.

Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy · 22/08/2022 19:10

I checked YABU just for putting up with that draining emotional vampire and not edging away from her pronto!!

BMW6 · 22/08/2022 19:12

I voted YABU because you are pussy footing about re the money she owes you!

Time to find and express your annoyance. You value her friendship, but is it mutual?

Surely if she values you she will not want to piss you off - or is she just using you.

Why not tell her you value your friendship BUT you are annoyed as

  1. She has owed you this money for a considerable time and pleads poverty while splashing out. This must be repaid this coming payday, or you will take it further and your friendship will be terminated
  2. She is disturbing your day with her constant messaging. Time to dial it down.

You really do have to take this in hand or you'll be getting more stressed

Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 19:12

@Brigante9 You’re 100% right, on second thoughts with payday next week I’m going to message her this week saying she must transfer me the money in full on payday.

@SparklingLime and @lola006 As to what I get out of the friendship. In all honesty, I’m fairly lonely too. I’m not overwhelmed with friends and know she hasn’t always been like this gives me hope things can go back to how they were.

Im planning on being more assertive with boundaries, particularly around messages, be a bit more honest, and prepare myself to write off the friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkFrogss · 22/08/2022 19:13

And fair play to everyone voting YABU for me putting up with it, you’re not wrong Grin

OP posts:
SallyWD · 22/08/2022 19:15

One of my friends told me she just doesn't like messaging. She's great face to face but can't eb

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