To feel suffocated by friend?

[PinkFrogss]

I have known my friend for nearly 3 years, started out as colleagues but became friends over lockdown. Still work together.

It’s gotten worse over time but she messages me constantly. If we’re not working she’ll message me on Facebook. If I don’t look she’ll just continue to message. I haven’t looked at Facebook since Friday and she’s sent 10 messages and that’s on the much lower side for her. Same at work over Teams, I’m busy trying to do my job and I’ve actually had to mute her on Teams as she messages me just about constantly. It’s usually about her problems and it’s just constant, I’m going through a tough time myself and she will complain and make a problem about just about everything.

She also is an absolute one upper. If I’ve been to Tenerife she’s been to Elevenerife. She was trying to make plans to go on numerous holidays/weekends away and I told her I was trying to save money to pay off some debt I had been stressed about. Suddenly she now has plenty of money problems too, has no savings, is deep in her overdraft and very stressed. She lives at home for very low rent and buys tonnes and tonnes of stuff each month, and still trying to suggest holidays. Similar with health issues and others.

We went away a couple of months ago (before my money issues) and she still owes me money for the hotel. Everytime is comes up in topic she launches into an explanation of how she’ll have to go in her overdraft to pay it to me and she’s so stressed about money. And then talk about all her other issues to the extent I feel bad for asking for it and I’ve told her I’ll wait until she’s out of her overdraft. But it’s taking the piss now when she’s buying so much crap constantly. While we were away she spent more on merch at the concert we went to than what she owes me for the hotel.

This sounds absolutely pathetic but I do like her as a friend, and I feel sorry for her as I know she’s quite lonely single and living at home with her parents aged 30. I just need her to calm down a bit and rely on me less.

Even just typing this out to post has helped as I don’t really have anyone irl to talk to about it. Advice from anyone who has been through similar would be much appreciated.

Oops - she's great face to face but just can't engage with messages. I understand and don't take it personally. Could you just tell your friend you don't have the head space for messages but you could meet up every couple of weeks (or whatever) and have a face to face chat?

@SparklingLime and @lola006 As to what I get out of the friendship. In all honesty, I’m fairly lonely too. I’m not overwhelmed with friends and know she hasn’t always been like this gives me hope things can go back to how they were.

That’s hard, OP. But, from experience, it’s never the way forward to let your boundaries slip and allow someone to treat you in a selfish way or owe you money etc.

Also, she’s unlikely to go back to how she was. She’s probably showing you the real her - warts, insecurities, selfishness and all - now that time has passed. Probably best to do more activities that lead to meeting more people (MN cliche, advice, I know) than to hope for your old friendship back.

Ask her for half this payday, half next. Thats not unreasonable at all.

I sympathise.
I had a friend like this, it took for me to really distance myself and for her to latch onto someone else to calm down.
Now we message once a week and that's fine for me.

I’m not overwhelmed with friends and know she hasn’t always been like this gives me hope things can go back to how they were.

You've only been friends for three years. Has it occurred to you that this is the real her, but she wore a mask at first? If she'd been like this from the start you wouldn't have entertained her as a friend. But now she's reeled you in, she's dropped the mask. So sponging off you, draining you emotionally, and demanding that you dance to her tune.

OP you know your debt that you mentioned?

She's contributing to that by not paying what she owes you.

You are more in debt because she doesn't want to go into her overdraft. Think about it. It's ludicrous! And not how friends should act around money.

When you get that money you'll be able to chip a bit more off the money you owe. It's outrageous she's taken ownership of that £260.

You may still like her but you really need to set some decent boundaries in this relationship.

The messages would drive me mad.

You’re all right.

I think I need to accept losing her as a friend. Everyone pointing out this is the real her is probably right, and even if she went back to how she was I’d feel on edge waiting for this to start again.

First I’m going to get my money back, then I’ll reset my boundaries.

Thank you all

Definitely mention the money before payday, before she has a chance to spend it all, otherwise the repayment will just drag on and on.
With the messaging, I’d probably leave it a day or two (and don’t read the messages, assuming it’s WhatsApp or whatever, where she can see you’ve ‘seen’ them) - let them build up. Then reply something like “woah, I had a phone-free day and I’ve got like 15 messages from you” and see what she says when you point it out.