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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FIL was not joking

37 replies

Footbal · 22/08/2022 08:25

MIL had a medical procedure last Friday after being unwell for months. She is not in good health but refuses to do anything about it even though she has all the resources available to her. My DH has been worried about her for months and feels guilty that he doesnt spend much time with her.

Anyway FlL text in the group WhatsApp that the procedure had cost more than expected and could the family contribute. My DH has three brothers. They all said yes of course they would. A couple of days later FIL replied saying that he was joking as he just wanted to see who he was keeping in his will.

My DH told me last night,I was pissed of because DH had offered to contribute without consulting me first. We have 3DC and have only just secured a remortgage to build an extension. We are in our current home 12 years so long overdue. We have never asked for a penny of any relatives and would never.

MIL and FIL are extremely well of. I just don't think it was a joke from FIL. It looks like MIL will require more looking after and I think he was testing the waters for the future. I'm pissed of with DH and FIL.

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 22/08/2022 08:28

What a stupid ‘joke’ - why would anyone need to contribute financially to medical costs anyway? Where are you?

Original poster
Footbal · 22/08/2022 08:36

We don't live in the UK so a different health care system to the NHS. The procedure was free.

OP posts:
Duettino · 22/08/2022 08:57

Would you consult him if it was your mother? What if he said no?

Whilst I see what you're saying, I don't think this is something your permission would be required for unless you are sole earner and it's your money he would be offering.

Mindymomo · 22/08/2022 09:02

I get both your points of view, but it’s pretty low of FIL to put this out there, who jokes about their wife’s illnesses, not funny at all. Most people would automatically say yes to paying towards medical costs for parents without a second thought, so I expect your DH was caught off guard.

Original poster
Footbal · 22/08/2022 09:12

I don't have a good relationship with his parents. They have treated me horribly over the years so that's why I would be against contributing anything. Myself and DH have worked hard and sometimes struggled financially but we have never asked for money from anyone.
@Mindymomo, yes I agree my DH was caught of guard and he loves his mother very much so yes to contributing was an automatic response.
@Duettino, our children and our home is my priority. I'm not responsible for his parents who are very comfortable.

I know my FIL and I know that he is testing the waters. MIL will need more help shortly and I know he will ask for everyone to help take care of her. I know I sound bitter and mean but they have literally never done anything to help us and not just financially,little or no time for our children and favour other grandchildren and family members.

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 22/08/2022 09:22

Tell King Lear over there to fuck off because you're not dancing to his tune. What a dick.

skippy67 · 22/08/2022 09:29

If my DH's mum needed money for medical care, I wouldn't expect him to consult me before offering to chip in. Just as I wouldn't if it was the other way round. I agree it was a crap joke though.

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 09:56

Whatever your feelings for your in laws, it's pretty [insert not nice word] to be angry at your husband for offering to contribute to his mother. It's his mother FGS.

Hoolahulahoop · 22/08/2022 10:01

FIL is really mean and cruel.
What type of a sick joke is that. I'd block him and dh just contact his mother directly.

Iliveonahill · 22/08/2022 10:05

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 09:56

Whatever your feelings for your in laws, it's pretty [insert not nice word] to be angry at your husband for offering to contribute to his mother. It's his mother FGS.

This. Just remind yourself what parents do bringing up children. It’s his mum. Stop being cruel.

Fuckitydoodah · 22/08/2022 10:07

I don't think it's fair to be pissed off with your DH. He loves his Mother and of course his initial reaction is going to be to help.

It does seem an odd thing for FIL to do though, especially if they are comfortably off.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2022 10:09

Your FIL is a world class arsehole.

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 10:14

LetHimHaveIt · 22/08/2022 09:22

Tell King Lear over there to fuck off because you're not dancing to his tune. What a dick.

Massive LOL at this, and yes, agreed.

Original poster
Footbal · 22/08/2022 10:26

I'm worried when the time comes that MIL needs more help that my DH will want to contribute. We have our own DC aged 11,13 and 15 and are about to start long awaited and much needed renovations on our home. FIL is a cheeky swine and mean. He has no problem buying himself a new car every year, treating himself to the best of clothes and meals out in nice restaurants but wants hand outs from his children to look after his wife.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 22/08/2022 10:29

So you need a conversation with him about how difficult it would be to find the money. He then needs to prepare the ground with his brothers, too.

'Of course if they were in need, we'd manage. At the moment our DC's need is greater than your parent's.'

Just a gentle mention to him every time they change their car, brag about a fancy restaurant, book a holiday.

It's about perspective.

caulescens · 22/08/2022 10:38

I think he probably was 'joking' but rather than it being funny he has proved himself to be deeply unpleasant.

CustardySergeant · 22/08/2022 10:59

Footbal · 22/08/2022 08:36

We don't live in the UK so a different health care system to the NHS. The procedure was free.

If the procedure was free, why did your FIL ask for contributions because "the procedure had cost more than expected"?

Overpaymymortgage · 22/08/2022 11:08

I don't have a good relationship with his parents. They have treated me horribly over the years so that's why I would be against contributing anything. Myself and DH have worked hard and sometimes struggled financially but we have never asked for money from anyone.

So I presume when the time comes you will be refusing any inheritance? I assume you would not want to take money from someone you are so strongly against helping if they needed it.

(FILs actions so make him sound like a prick but i was more interested with your reaction to DH offering help)

Blossomtoes · 22/08/2022 11:17

He has no problem buying himself a new car every year, treating himself to the best of clothes and meals out in nice restaurants

And here we have it. Why shouldn’t he do those things if he can afford them? Jealousy is a very ugly thing @Footbal.

Livpool · 22/08/2022 11:32

Overpaymymortgage · 22/08/2022 11:08

I don't have a good relationship with his parents. They have treated me horribly over the years so that's why I would be against contributing anything. Myself and DH have worked hard and sometimes struggled financially but we have never asked for money from anyone.

So I presume when the time comes you will be refusing any inheritance? I assume you would not want to take money from someone you are so strongly against helping if they needed it.

(FILs actions so make him sound like a prick but i was more interested with your reaction to DH offering help)

Exactly!

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 22/08/2022 11:35

Iliveonahill · 22/08/2022 10:05

This. Just remind yourself what parents do bringing up children. It’s his mum. Stop being cruel.

Show quote history

It was his mother's choice to have children. I assume that no-one forced her to do so.

He does not owe his mother money if his own family needs it.

Hugasauras · 22/08/2022 11:37

Crap joke but natural response from your husband

Auntpodder · 22/08/2022 11:42

Since your FiL sounds likes the divide-and-conquer type, how does your DH get on with his brothers? If they can have a united approach in the future, it might be enough to nip messages like this in the bud/or - if they want to help MiL with funding/feel its the right thing to do - they can it between themselves.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 22/08/2022 11:55

LetHimHaveIt · 22/08/2022 09:22

Tell King Lear over there to fuck off because you're not dancing to his tune. What a dick.

Best reply ever!

Original poster
Footbal · 22/08/2022 12:24

Not jealous at all. Why would I contribute for medical care and support when they are very comfortable. I have absolutely no interest in any inheritance. Any inheritance would go straight to my DC,I don't want a penny from it. Unfortunately the other brothers would be very much on board with contributing but financially they are better of than myself and DH.

OP posts:
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