Can't help but worry about my DD ?

[singingstar]

She's two and a half.

I can't work out whether my expectations of her are just too high ( I suspect, just from inexperience with children in general ), or if something is wrong.

She goes to nursery and they say she's absolutely developing normally, according to her age. Is that reassurance enough would you say ?

She's quite unruly sometimes and doesn't always listen. She can be pretty defiant. Obviously has tantrums when she can't get what she wants.

Language wise, she is being raised with a couple of languages in the mix, but her main one is English for sure. She speaks in sentences, but doesn't respond to what's your name. I've been trying to teach her that for ages, but she just doesn't respond. She knows her name, as she says it when she's referring to herself sometimes or when she sees herself in a mirror or in a photo.

It takes her a while to learn people's names. I have noticed some children in her nursery know her name, but she won't refer to the children by their name, rather a generic term - like child. The world is split between children, mum and dads and grandpa and grandmas. It's super cute, but takes a while for her to refer to people by name, if she does it at all.

Also she doesn't respond to how old are you? I've also tried teaching her that for ages.

At nursery they say she's bight and confident, defiant at times and knows what she wants. Surely they know if something was not right ?

I feel like I've always been worried about her. But I suspect that's really because of her, but I think I have really high expectations of what a child her age should be able to do perhaps. I would say I expected her to be at her current level of understanding about a year ago.. which is probably just silly.

She struggles to play age appropriate board type games. She sometimes plays, but most of the time, she just throws stuff up in the air. I guess she can't be bothered..

She also does this weird shaking thing when she's angry and can't get her way sometimes. She clenched her fists and shakes a bit. I tell her to stop and she does. Sometimes she laughs afterwards, like she finds it funny.

My 2.5 year old can't grasp names and definitely wouldn't be able to tell you how old she is. She does know her name but doesn't quite get the concept of names, like if you got a cuddly toy dog and said 'what's his name' she would say 'dog'. She's never described any children at nursery by name, the best we got was her saying her key workers name once.

She also reacts physically to anger- she will put whatever she is holding in her mouth and clench.

She is also quite defiant although usually has a pretty good rationale for why she's determined to do something and can usually understand your reasoning if you need to tell her to stop (eg she would reach for a hot drink because she's thirsty but if you explained it was hot she would then know not to)

So all in all sounds quite similar to your little one. I've never had any concerns about her development except slow speech, we are only just starting to get the beginnings of sentences

I do think your expectations are too high OP.

She's only 2.5, most 2.5 prefer racing around to sitting down for board games, i'm not sure any are truly appropriate for children that age.

If nursery say she is bright then I would trust their opinion and enjoy these young years when they are funny, lively and get things wrong. They don't last!

Ah that's interesting.

My DD knows the names of some of her cuddly toys and also, funnily she remembers dog's names- more than people's names.

It just freaked me out because at nursery, the children recognise me and say ' it's XXX's mum ' when I pick her up. So I assumed that she's way behind on that part. I don't think she's ever been behind language wise. She's not advanced, just average I think.

The thing she was late at doing was pointing.

Now what she does, which is also frustrating, often when she wants something or is unhappy about something, she will just scream at you. Like if she wants something on the table and can't reach, sometimes she'll be trying to reach it and just scream, rather than asking for it.

Other times when she's hungry she says ' a bit hungry mummy 'takes my hand and takes me to the foot cupboard. Other times she just stands in front of it screaming. I'm really trying to get her to express herself with words more. It's very frustrating. Some days there is so much whining.

She sounds perfectly normal.

None of what you describe sounds "wrong". A few of the things you describe (non use of names, not answering about her name, the anger/laughter thing) I've seen in conjunction with autism but in that case there were bigger, more obvious markers present also. And toddlers are masters of random, strange behaviours most of which they just grow out of.

I tried to take her to a tennis lesson recently. Absolute nightmare. She just kept running around, followed no instructions. Kept just dropping her racket on the floor, taking balls from other kids, using the cones as a hat etc. she had a really good time, but way too young.

I did tell the trainer she was too young and won't follow the lesson, but the trainer insisted we try. They start them at 2.5 apparently ! The other kids there were at least 4-5 though.

She had fun though..

She responded TO her name. She just doesn't SAY what her name is when you ask her, if that makes sense ?

So you say : ' what's your name ? '

She just looks at you.

But if you call her by her name, she'll respond ( unless she's distracted or cannot be bothered at all ).

OK in light of your second post maybe take a look at high functioning autism in girls. But bear in mind I'm resoinding as someone who had a child diagnosed at 14 after convincing myself everything was OK when he was little. Ie I don't want to totally dismiss your concerns but I could be adding 2 and 2 and making g 5.

X post. Yes I understood what you mean.

I think that tennis coach is wrong.

2.5 year olds , unless exceptional, would have neither the co-ordination nor the concentration to learn tennis.

About 4 is right, ,my eldest played at national level at 10. He would have been just like your daughter at 2.5, he was a live wire though and loved climbing!

I feel like she's just being 2 - but I understand that as a parent of a young child it's so easy to worry about these things. There seems to be a lot of emphasis / videos / posts about autism at the moment so it's easy to be triggered by it!

For reference my little boy was 2 in July.

He throws things when he doesn't get attention or he's frustrated or angry. His tantrums are unbearable at times. There's no way he would play tennis properly or engage in an actual 'role play' style game how it was meant to be played. He would rather run around than play board games. He shakes his arms around when he's frustrated. He can't speak in full sentences but he does attempt to say most words that we ask now. The only thing he doesn't say (even though I've tried for ages) is love you. He won't say it back 😂🙈
He wouldn't be able to respond to 'what's your name?' I don't think, but he does know what his name is.
But he can count to 10, knows a variety of animals, knows half his alphabet and all of his colours.

They all develop so differently so it's very hard to compare! I think most of these things are just normal toddler behaviour!

Obviously if you are worried, it's worth checking in with a HV or GP. Has she had her '2 year' check?

The not pointing and the taking your hand and leading you to something were both things I was asked about in my autism assessment.
I don't know if they are part of NT development though.

@Zoeslatesttrope she definitely points all the time now. I just felt it took her a couple of extra months to do it all the time.

She also leads me to her toys or to play sometimes. I thought that was just normal. If I'm chilling on the sofa, she'll take my hand and say ' come on mummy let's play with the doll house ' and take me to it. I thought this was a good thing !!

Sometimes she'll just scream at me from the kitchen whilst she's standing at the cupboard ' want more food mummy ' or ' want biscuit mummy '

The kind of hand leading your describing sounds normal to me - she’s dragging you off the sofa to play and also vocalising what she wants, not using your hands for you.
2.5 definitely can’t play tennis.

She sounds 2.5. even if she does turn out to be ND I don't think what you describe is automatically indicative of it, especially since she's being raised bilingual - to me that completely explains the generic 'child' word use for example. There is a lot to learn.

When you said you took her to a tennis lesson and it was a nightmare it made me giggle a bit because what tennis lesson with a 2.5 yr old wouldn't be a nightmare?! There is a reason people start school at 4. It may be that people start at 2 and a half but I would expect that to be practising getting used to balls and racquets for ten minutes and the rest of the time the kids running about. That's what toddler dance class is like generally.

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete dick, but do you spend much time with her so you can you see a gradual development as she learns skills and gets better at them (better being a relative term)? You are not just born knowing the rules of tennis or how to concentrate.

Board games and tennis lessons for a 2 year old?

Does she imaginary play by herself? ie does she get the dolls in the dolls house to do different things without you there to direct or do it for her?
She's only 2.5 so it's almost impossible to tell (mine was diagnosed with ASD at 11) it could be her very young age or it could be high functioning ASD.
2.5 for tennis is crazy young, I would do anything not strictly aimed at very young children at this age. Board games are still a little old for her IMO - I'd stick to imaginative play, messy play, reading to her, playing outside. You can start encouraging her to take turns with things though which is a skill needed for board games.

What I would avoid at this age is trying to directly 'teach' her things. Have fun with her, count things in front of her ie count out blocks or the chairs for her dolls house, talk to her about everything she does and you do, describe things ie colours - 'oh Lucy doll why don't you sit on the red chair'. She will pick everything up from this over time rather than you trying to teach her the right answers.

Mine (with ASD) is still terrible with names, at secondary school he could be in a class for 6 months and still not know the teachers name!

Just have fun with her, if you spend all your time worrying about her or judging her abilities compared to others, or trying to push her on too fast then you'll miss out on all the joy. Be led by her, when she takes your hand to play dolls houses go with it, make up a story, describe everything, use funny voices, be overly dramatic. And remember she will probably be happy with you playing out the same/similar stories time and time again. Don't feel you have to come up with something totally new every time.

*I wouldn't do anything

She sounds utterly normal. Are they meant to like board games at 2?!

Do you hang round with other 2yo because you'll get a huge range from ones hiding behind their parents through to ones you have stop climbing fences. None of them really know how to play anything let alone tennis.

You are expecting a 2.5 year old to play board games? You are being vvv unreasonable.

And tennis lessons, really?

She sounds like a normal 2 year old being asked to do things that are not suitable for 2 year olds. That is never going to go well!

Now what she does, which is also frustrating, often when she wants something or is unhappy about something, she will just scream at you. Like if she wants something on the table and can't reach, sometimes she'll be trying to reach it and just scream, rather than asking for it

Other times when she's hungry she says ' a bit hungry mummy 'takes my hand and takes me to the foot cupboard. Other times she just stands in front of it screaming. I'm really trying to get her to express herself with words more. It's very frustrating. Some days there is so much whining

Does it work though OP? Does screaming and whining get her what she wants? If it does, she's got no reason not to do it.

She sounds like a perfectly normal 2.5 year old to me. Your expectations do seem a little high, especially if you are taking her to tennis lessons.

She sounds completely normal to me OP, and your expectations way too high!

Tennis and board games are not the kind of thing you can do at 2.5! My 10 and 8 yr olds struggle with tennis, and board games are not their cup of tea either! At 2.5 my boys never managed board games. At 5 they quite enjoyed hungry hippo type games, but if why try something more grown up and competitive now it never ends well!

At 2.5 if my boys had tried tennis, they would probably have run around holding the tennis ball, and used the racket like a gun pretending to be a superhero I imagine!! (My children are very normal for their ages and NT)

2.5 is still super young. The main things to start to master at that age are potty training, reducing nap length, sleeping most of the night, eating healthy meals and snacks and learning to use a cup and fork, and learning to play (gradually with, rather than next to, other little kids).

Sounds like your DDs language is developing nicely, it will continue on that trajectory and she'll be naming everyone soon enough (Einstein couldn't talk at all til 5! Speaking is very individual! One of boys was speaking like an adult at 3, his cousin said no words at all til 4 and is now marked as gifted.)

They are all different OP and your daughter is normal

Language makes a huge difference. One of mine was slower to get to grips with bilingualism and the terrible 2s were as a result very intense. She may not understand what you/ others are saying, she may not be able to express herself properly with you/ others. Wouldn’t you be furious?? I would!

Who cares what a tennis coach says, you know your daughter better and it sounds like it is far too early for that sort of caper.

It’s called the terrible twos for a reason. There is a lot happening in their little heads. Doesn’t sound like there is much need to panic. Stay calm and keep trucking would be my advice.