Do I hate my husband

[Dontpullcarlstail]

Do I hate my husband?

For context: 2 DC, one nearly 2 years, 1 3 month old EBF.

I am tired. Bone crushingly tired. I feel physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. The baby wakes twice for a feed plus can need resettling and then is up from about 5am although I can get them back to sleep only on me from this time. Rest of time in next to me. Husband works long hours blah blah usual shite. He will take baby downstairs early morning when he’s not got work but then baby doesn’t go back to sleep, gets overtired etc.

He also regularly sleeps in spare room for various reasons.

I’m so tired and miserable. I go to bed early but then resent husband staying up while I have to be in bed around the same time as a toddler and yet I’m still the tired one the next day. He’s merrily snoring away and then gets to be fun energetic parent during the day. Meanwhile mummy is grumpy.

When I say I’m tired during the day he’ll tell me to go and nap. But I don’t find it easy to switch off during the day like that especially when I can hear the dc and know I’ll be needed soon enough (mainly for nursing). Plus what’s 30 minutes during the day once in a week or less going to do really?! It doesn’t feel worth it.

We’ve not had sex at all since baby was born. I can’t think of anything worse. I’d probably enjoy it once we got back into the swing of things but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction (literally) meanwhile I’d be even more tired as I’d be staying up for this!! But this is what is worrying me. I feel I resent him so much and to not want to make him happy… I really must hate him right? :(

I am feeling extremely touched out from two young DC. Eldest is very clingy now which I do understand but it’s hard.

He tries to slide up to me on the sofa, cuddle etc but I know where he thinks it might lead to which puts me off. If I do reciprocate cuddles kisses etc then he wants more and more until I snap and tell him to leave me alone now.

Don’t know what I’m hoping for from this… someone to tell me it’s normal and we’ll get through this I guess. Or some advice.

AIBU to my husband? Do I need to try harder? Will this improve in time?

Sounds normal to me, but if you’re that tired and your relationship is failing I’d consider the option of switching to bottle. I’m not saying you should, it’s just that he could then take his turn at feeding and you’d feel less touched out.
If that’s not an option then keep going, baby is still young.

Oh and I used to give my BF babies a bottle last thing at night to try and get them to sleep a bit longer.

What does he do to pull his weight?

Not surprised you don't want to shag him as he sounds lazy and selfish.

If you’re that tired then switch to a bottle

How does he spends his evenings? Hopefully doing bedtimes, the laundry and house work?

I have thought about bottle feeding but with the price of everything increasing so rapidly I’d rather not incur the extra cost.

plus when he is working late/early or staying overnight (for work) it would be more work for me.

I’m sure he would do the extra work involved the washing sterilising etc when he could.

when he can he comes home earlier for bedtime (to help can’t do it himself obviously 🤱). And then will work in the evenings. Plus yes he will clean and tidy etc. so he’s not just downstairs having a great time. This is what makes me think I’m being an arsehole.

Will your baby take a bottle? I used to go to bed early (about 8:30 ish) but DH would then do a dream feed as he was going to bed (10:30 / 11:30). It meant I got a larger chunk of sleep before the first night feed.

Also DH slept in spare room so I wasn't disturbed and he was in charge of sorting out toddler if they woke up in the night.

Also your baby is still really young, don't put pressure on yourself.

Going from 1 to 2 kids can be a real shock to the system and I think it's normal to resent your partner at this point. You've just got to get yourselves through this stage as best as you can and rebuild the relationship later.

You're not being an arsehole.

You have two DC under two and he really needs to be looking at ways of how he can better support you - maybe do the settling and nappy changes after feeds?

And I agree switching to a bottle is more work at this stage due to sterilising and washing bottles and then making these up.

@ThePoetsWife is right

Also with breastfeeding at least you don't have to physically get up through the night and make bottles etc

Also formula gave my DC terrible colic which would have them up screaming for 3 hours a night. I regretted switching over, but It was too late to go back as my milk supply dried up very quickly. I felt I'd shot myself in the foot because I was trying to lessen my workload and ended up adding to it

He needs to help in other ways, cooking, cleaning, looking after toddler etc

I feel like I have enough support to not feel this way. Older DC at nursery 1 full day plus 1 half day. Husband does take older DC out maybe once a week on average for a while. My parents live close by and will pop in and help.

i guess I feel angry that no one else can deal with BOTH of them for a substantial amount of time, which is because of breastfeeding of course

You are knackered. Napping makes a huge difference. Try to get an hour in a day when baby is sleeping and toddler is out. And stop being so hard on yourself. It is very early days.

I don’t want to stop breastfeeding at all.

he could help with toddler more but I worry about toddler feeling pushed out. Plus I still have the baby so can’t just go off and sleep for hours!

I’m not looking for a miracle (although if anyone has one…). I guess if the general consensus is that it is shit and hard but it will get better I think I can cope.

i just worry that we won’t get through it together

My baby is one now and still up every two hours through the nigh from about 11pm-7am. I am still feeding back to sleep. So in understand tiredness. What I'm wondering is if your baby only wakes twice and you're going to bed at 8ish then sleeping until 5, what else is going on to make you so tired... and could your husband help with those things? For instance if it's just the general exhaustion of two young children and running the house could he take more of that off you? Does he do the settling and holding upright if needed (we had a reflux baby) after the second night feed so you can go to sleep in the spare room and get a deeper sleep away from the next to me?

But back to your overall questions... resentment seems to be quite normal yes. Mostly be having a baby is harder on the woman!

I'm not convinced stopping breastfeeding is the solution everyone seems to think it is to be honest. My logic with 2 kids was that at least I don't have to get up off the sofa to give baby a feed. Bottle feeding would only be easier if you had someone to facilitate it most of the time if you ask me.

OP, my DH and I got into a similar situation after our second was born (same age gap as you). It came as a shock to me actually because things had been brilliant after our first was born.

Things got worse before they got better… learn from my mistake (basically, not saying anything about how hard I found it and just emotionally and physically further and further) and speak to your husband really frankly now.

Between the two of you, figure out a way to make it through the next few months.

Take those naps, but ask for more than 30 minutes - he can take both kids out for at least a couple of hours each weekend day at those ages, with baby in carrier or pram, and even if you can’t sleep you can lie down with an audiobook and maybe drift off. It does make a difference and maybe that will help you feel less resentful.

Forget sex for now but what about him giving you a massage or some other sort of close touch that you feel comfortable with?

This tough time will pass and you do want your marriage to survive it! I have to say that after DH and I had a proper chat about how I was feeling, he stepped up in ways I wouldn’t have imagined… we went on to have our 3rd and he was amazing, and continues to be. Good luck OP, I actually wish I’d posted here at the time and made changes instead of letting it drag on for months.

Getting him to parent the toddler more will def help though. Think of it like you've got a battery and everything you do or is asked of you will drain it. So do what you can to conserve energy. Just having the baby sometimes will be so much easier as there's only one person's needs you're trying to meet in that time. You can swap and ask him to take baby out in the sling and just have the toddler. Basically ask him to do more so you don't have two of them so much just at this difficult time.

I think the pp who said he was lazy and selfish is harsh. It sounds like he's pretty hands on for the parent who isn't breastfeeding and is working out of the home. OP this is very normal. I do think it's worth sitting down with your DH and having a frank conversation though, especially about the sex. If he's a good guy hopefully he'll get the idea that you'd love a cuddle on the sofa but that is probably it right now and you feel pressured. He really can't do much to take the kids off your hands more if you're BF but maybe he can do more generally just so you aren't facing a mountain of laundry etc . Communication is absolutely key.. it will get easier.

Tbh having 2 under 2 is going to be phenomenally knackering. But it will get better! Abd no you don’t actually hate DH but might feel like you do as he snores away and you’re shattered. Lack of sleep is a form of torture for a reason….
Can you put toddler into nursery for 3 short days, eg 9-3? That way presumably you’d be able to sleep while baby is sleeping at some point. Even if baby is on you and you’re lying down with your eyes closed it’s better than nothing. And at weekends, give baby a big feed then hand over to DH to take out for a couple of hours. Literally feed, then hand over. Don’t stick around for any nappy change, checking bags etc. DH can do that. Knowing they’ll be out for a couple of hours should enable you to relax enough to sleep.

This is the post natal exhaustion of having a BF baby and a clingy toddler. You need to talk to DH (dramatically burst into tears I'm needed ) and make him realise you are on the verge of collapse. He should take both kids out for 2-3 hours at a weekend to let you sleep.

And it will get better. I went through this and still have a strong marriage with DH (and kids who sleep) 10 years on.

My DC were the same ages and age-gap. It’s none-shatteringly exhausting, the touched-out feeling is real and intense, and my marriage didn’t feel great either. I remember being feeling depressed by the evening when it was time to go to bed, because I knew the night was coming and it would be shit whilst my husband happily slept.

It gets better, I promise. You need to talk about it, though. Talk about feeling touched out, talk about how having cuddles always seems to add pressure to have sex, and you’re sad about that. Talk about practical things to help like solid plans for early mornings and weekend lie-ins and above all try to ditch the guilt about the toddler - let people help you. Let your parents take the baby with some expressed milk when the toddler is in nursery. Let your parents take the toddler for the day and sleep when the baby sleeps.

Lack of sleep is no joke - there is a reason it is used as a method of torture. This is mostly what is screwing with your head, and you need to keep reminding yourself of this.

You reap what you sow with the close bonding stuff - it's very, very hard graft to EBF and be hands on all the time with two young children, but my kids are entering the teen years now, and they are affectionate, confident, trusting souls which in my mind has made it all worth it. When they were little I was so tired, my sanity was shot and like you my resentment got big. The best thing I did by far was to recognise that resentment was not a helpful emotion at all and actively chose to simply not allow it to take up any of my precious time. Honestly this was transformative, and allowed me to focus on the task in hand, being the best mum I could and being kind to myself.

Thank you all. Great emotional support and practical advice too. Couldn’t ask for more ❤️

Yabu

(Except from the sex)

Presumably you knew your dh worked long hours and you knew that bf would mean you would have to do the nights feeds.

Sounds like your dh does a fair bit, your eldest goes to nursery and your parents help?

I'm not sure what else you want him to do? Especially as you say when he does you can't relax anyway.

Maybe you should speak to your hv about how you're feeling.